Coming Around Again - Chapter 11

CHAPTER 11

        The following week Kate was at home when Tim and Christine arrived with a scrumptious Christmas hamper. It was full to the brim with all thewonderful  foods and drink that under normal circumstances would have Kate salivating at the very sight of it. They had tried calling her all week and as she refused to talk for longer than a minute on the phone, if she picked up at all, they had decided to call unannounced.  After the initial annoyance she felt at seeing them standing on her front porch she had invited them in. She figured the sooner she did that the sooner she could get shot of them. Now they were babbling on to her about all their mutual friends and  trying desperately to get Kate to join them for the annual Christmas Eve partners dinner.
        ‘It won’t be the same without you, you know that. Won’t you change your mind?’
        ‘Christine, it really is sweet of you both to think of me but I don’t think I can.’
        ‘You may feel a little better after a night out with everyone. We really would like you to come Kate. It’s our turn this year to host the dinner. ’
        ‘Thanks Tim. But I wouldn’t be much fun.’
        ‘We’re not looking for you to be fun Kate, honestly, why change a habit of a lifetime!’ Tim ribbed. But he didn’t get the reaction he hoped from Kate.
        ‘You know Tim I don’t have a lot to have fun about right now. You try losing your whole life in one lousy fucked up minute and see how you handle it. I bet you wouldn’t be having too much fun either.’
        ‘Oh Kate, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean..’
        ‘..You didn’t mean what by it Tim?’ shouted Kate.
He reached out to touch her arm,
        ‘I didn’t mean…..’ he stumbled over his words as she pulled it away forcefully.
Christine tried to sooth her.
        ‘Kate, Tim didn’t mean anything by it.’
        ‘Really Christine? It’s all very good for you two to lecture me but you still have each other and Lucy and Matthew are healthy happy carefree kids. I’ve been left with nothing….’
Christine opened her mouth to speak,
        ‘…… no let me finish. How do you think it feels to walk in my front door every single night and be met with silence where there once was laughter and happiness. Where do you think I should find the fun in that do you suppose? What about celebrating birthdays. You two still get to wish Lucy and Matthew happy birthday. You get to buy them a present and kiss their tiny happy faces. You get to tuck them in at night and hug their sleepy little bodies when they wake in the mornings. And what do you suppose Christmas morning is going to be like for me here. Santa Clause won’t be coming down my chimney. So don’t ever try to tell me how to have fun when you have everything and I have nothing. Now if you don’t mind I really would like to be left alone.’ Kate turned her back on her friends as she felt the tears pool at the side of her eyes.
        ‘Oh God love.’ Christine reached out to her and this time Kate didn’t pull away. Instead she turned and accepted Christine’s hug and wept on her shoulder. Christine held her tight and then as she felt Kate’s tears subside she held her out and looked into her sad eyes.
        ‘Kate, we didn’t come here to upset you. We came here to say we miss you. We miss Dan and Alex every day too. But you’re still here and we miss having you in our lives. We want you to be able to feel like you can shout and scream at us without feeling you have to apologise. Tim and I find ourselves doing it quite a lot lately.’ She paused as Kate looked at her and mirrored her small grin.
        ‘Honestly Kate. We want you to be able to talk about them both with us and the rest of the gang. We find it’s the only way we are getting through this. It might just help you too.’
Tim placed his joined hands on his knees as he reached forward on the couch.
        ‘Kate, I made a promise to Dan the day of the memorial and I mean to keep that promise. I told him we would look after you. But you have to let us do that.’
She looked over at him while Christine released her from her arms.
        ‘I appreciate that Tim. But I can’t go to that dinner. I just can’t. Please try and understand?’
        ‘We do, we do. And it was probably insensitive of us to expect you too. I’m sorry.’
        ‘Yes, I am aswell. I just thought it may help in some way to be surrounded by people who love you Kate.’
        ‘No, Christine. You’re probably right. Don’t apologise. But I know I’m not up for it this year. Maybe next year?’ Kate said hopefully.
        ‘Absolutley, absolutely,’ said Tim standing to go. ‘Kate you know where we are if you need us. The invitation stands to join us whenever you want.  No need to stand on ceremony. We’re you’re friends and we miss having you around.’
        ‘Thanks Tim. I’ll remember that. When I feel a little stronger I’ll certainly take you up on the offer. And thanks so much for the beautiful basket of goodies.’
Christine leaned in to hug her again.
         ‘Our pleasure, and remember, we mean it. Any time, day or night. We can come pick you up, we can just hang out at ours or bring you out. Anything you want.’
        ‘Thanks,’ Kate started walking towards the lounge door. ‘I mean it, thanks you two. Will you pass on my regards to the others and wish them a Happy Christmas for me. Give Matthew and Lucy a big hug for me and tell them Aunty Kate will see them real soon.’ The tears started to form again for Kate but she wiped them away. She wanted to get Tim and Christine out the door as fast as possible so she could be alone.
        ‘Bye Kate.’ Tim took her in a bear hug and kissed her cheek lightly. ‘Look after yourself.’
        ‘Thanks Tim, I will.’
They had made it to the hall door and she opened the latch. The cold night air made her shiver.
        ‘I’m sorry for the outburst.’
        ‘Don’t apologize. As I said we were being insensitive. Take care Kate.’ Tim ushered Christine ahead of him out the door and Kate stood shivering as she watched them drive off into the night. When her teeth started to chatter she realized she was still standing there fifteen minutes later. The car lights had long since disappeared on their journey and out of sight. Slowly she closed the door to the outside world and leant against it. She pushed it with her hands until she heard the click of the lock. Looking around her hallway she walked from picture to picture all the while shaking her head as the memories enveloped her. The sadness of her loss was her blanket as she once again felt the weight of it around her.

***

        ‘Probably not the best move we’ve ever made.’ Tim touched Christine’s hand as he reached for the gears to reverse out of Kate’s driveway.
        ‘Honestly Tim I didn’t think she would react like that. Before we went there I thought it was by far the best line of action to take.  I thought she would have been grateful to get out of the house and away from all the reminders for a while. But when she started talking about Lucy and Matthew I swear I stopped breathing for a moment. I don’t know how she has even managed to survive this far. If I lost any of you I wouldn’t be able to cope.’
Time stole a brief look at his wife and said affectionately,
        ‘Me neither love. I have to say she’s one hell of a woman to be able to cope the way she is.’
        ‘Do you really think she is coping? What has Jeremy or Marge said?’
        ‘Well Jeremy said they feel she’s drinking too much but I’m not sure what they think too much is. You know yourself Marge thinks you’re an alco’ if you have a glass of wine with dinner every night. Ah, I’d say all things taken into account and putting ourselves in Kate’s shoes she’s doing fairly well. We just didn’t really think that one through.’
        ‘Look there’s no point in beating ourselves up. We thought we were doing the right thing by inviting her. The fact that we haven’t been in touch much since the memorial probably leaves us at a slight disadvantage to know what’s happening with her. That’s what I feel guilty about.’
        ‘Honey let’s not feel guilty.’Tim rubbed Christine’s leg gently. ‘Let’s put it down to bad judgement and endeavour to give Kate more support, after we figure out what support she needs.’
        ‘Yes you’re right. I need to try and get her to join myself and the girls more. Maybe she would be up for a Christmas lunch instead of the whole Partners dinner?’
        ‘Lovely idea Chrissy. Maybe give her a day or two and you could visit her yourself, bring a peace offering and ask her then.’
        ‘That’s exactly what I’ll do. Maybe I should talk to Jack or Rose first just to be sure?’
        ‘That’s my girl. Chrissy the peacemaker. I knew I married you for a reason.’ Tim smiled as Christine planted a kiss on his lips.

Coming Around Again - Chapter 10

CHAPTER 10

        If her family and friends had thought the memorial would give some closure to Kate and help her move on they were sorely mistaken. Over the weeks that followed Kate’s moods became darker and more erratic and they became increasingly concerned. All any of them could do was call, try and talk to her and let her know they were there for her. Despite protestations from Rose in particular, she refused to see a professional to try and help her deal with everything she was feeling and everyone was finding it increasingly difficult to understand the mood fluctuations.
        Kate still spent most of her time in her room, venturing out once or twice a week on the good weeks. Dan’s clothes still held pride of place in their walk in closet and Alexs room was untouched from the day he had last been there.
Jack and Kate were having dinner in the Trocadero nearly two months after the memorial. Christmas was closing in fast and the winter nights were cold and dark. Kate felt they suited her mood just fine.
        ‘I thought you might like to see what Jeremy and I have been doing and talk about the investigation a little.’
        ‘Unless you can tell me they’ve arrested the bastards that killed my family then I really don’t think I need to know anything else.’
Kate’s anger was once again bubbling over.
        ‘Now Kate, please. I want to have a nice dinner with you.’
        ‘Then why did you bring it up?’ she asked abruptly.
        ‘Because I think it’s important for you to get involved in this. And quite frankly I thought you’d appreciate the amount of work Jeremy and I have been doing.’ Jack was indignant now.
Taken aback at her Dads tone Kate backed down.
        ‘I’m sorry. I guess it’s not easy to hear all the details and it’s just a constant reminder that they’re gone and nobody will be punished for it.’
        ‘That’s only true love if you and others like you don’t get involved. The more group pressure we can put on our Government as well as the Spanish authorities the more chance we have to get these terrorists. That’s all the ECF are, no matter what they say about fighting for the freedom of their people.’
        ‘What can I do though Dad? With all due respect the Spanish investigators are not interested in listening to little old me. They have bigger fish to fry. I’m not someone of importance to them.’
        ‘That’s not true love and it’s unfair. I’ve met some of the guys working on this. They are dedicated men, many have families of their own. They want to see these guys brought to justice just as much as you or I and in some cases more so. Some of their comrades in the Policia were killed. That doesn’t sit well with them. Neither does the amount of children killed. One hundred and seventy eight kids that day love. That’s one hundred and seventy eight families just like ours, devastated because they lost their own Alex. It doesn’t bear thinking about.’
Kate lowered her head lost in her sadness.
        ‘The committee are discussing an appropriate memorial. Don’t you think you should be involved in that process?’
        ‘I don’t know Dad, I don’t want to remember them there. Sometimes I think if I concentrate hard enough I can wipe away the thought that it even happened. I hate thinking that they may have felt an ounce of pain.’
Jack placed his hand over Kate's, 'I understand love.'
The waiter approached their table.
        ‘Lamb Shank with colcannon, red wine and shallot jus?’
        ‘That’s mine thanks.’ The waiter placed the food in front of Kate.
        ‘The ultimate comfort food’ she thought.
Jacks lamb chops with rosemary home fries and broccoli rabe was placed in front of him.
        ‘Thank you,’ Jack said as the waiter retreated.
        ‘Looks great, doesn’t it? Jack enquired of Kate.
        ‘Yes, in fact you may be right, it’s probably just what I needed. I can’t seem to do what’s good for me at the moment so thanks dad’.
        ‘My pleasure love. I won’t go on about this, but promise me you will at least think about getting involved?’
        ‘I will, I’ll think about it, I promise.’
        ‘That’s all I ask’ said Jack. He lifted his red wine and toasted.
        ‘To Justice.’
        ‘To Justice.’

Coming Around Again - Chapter 9

CHAPTER 9

         ‘When Kate asked me to say a few words about Alex at this memorial service I have to admit I became very nervous. I wasn’t sure I would be able to say what I really felt without messing it up or more importantly letting him down, but I never thought of saying no because Alex would never let me,’ Rachel looked up at the warm faces in front of her.
        ‘I was thrilled when Rachel and Dan asked me, before Alex was born to be godmother to their child. I have to say I felt very touched that they felt I could be bestowed with the awesome responsibility of helping to bring him up with their virtues and beliefs should anything ever happen.’ She paused, not knowing how people would take this.
        ‘Little did we know at the time that we would be here today saying goodbye to Alex only eight short years after he came into this world. But what a ride he gave us all in those eight years.’ She looked up and smiled through her tears.
        ‘Alex allowed me to be myself when I was around him. I didn’t have to pretend to be interesting and intelligent or worry if I was making the right impression. Alex loved me for being me. Just as he did with everyone else. You could never fain an emotion with Alex. It was like he had a sixth sense about these things. If you tried to tell him you were ok even when you were having a shitty day he would tell you to ‘tell me the truth or I’ll tickle it out of you’ You couldn’t help but smile at his intuitiveness which to be honest if I had half of it I wouldn’t make as many lousy decisions as I do.’ She smirked to herself before continuing.
        ‘Alex reminded me how important it is to keep in touch with that inner child we all have, to always be truthful in your dealings with people because they can see through you even if you can’t and above all else do everything in life with enthusiasm and to the best of your ability. That’s some legacy for an eight year old to leave behind and, I for one am going to remember to keep in touch with my inner Alex whenever things become too hard to handle. And when I do that I will laugh and remember not to take myself too seriously just like Alex wouldn’t.’ Rachel wiped a stray tear and continued.
        ‘I miss my godchild every single day. Just as you all do here.  I’m not going to stand here and pretend that I can see sense coming out of this horrible situation but I will say that even though it is so wrong and awful that he is no longer here with us I wouldn’t change the fact that we got to have him in our lives for the time we did. I know I am a better person for knowing him, I just wish it had been longer because I know he had so much more to teach us all. Alex we miss you. We love you and we will never, ever forget you.’ Rachel raised her head and saw the tears in everyone’s eyes as she left the podium.
        Kate stood by her seat as Rachel made her way back down and hugged her close as their tears flowed.
        ‘Thank you, she whispered, ‘that was perfect.’
Rachel kissed her cheek and took her seat beside Kate as Tim reached the podium.
        ‘Thank you Rachel,’ Tim’s powerful voice came over the sound system. ‘That was really something. I’m sure Alex the scamp is turning to his Dad right now and saying ‘I told you so, I’m cool!’
Everyone laughed gently through their tears at the image.
        ‘And now to that dad. My mate Dan. Best man at my wedding, best man pretty much through my whole life.’ He paused. ‘You know I have this whole speech written,’ he held up the pieces of card in his hand. ‘But for some reason it doesn’t feel right. I shouldn’t have to write down what Dan means to me.’
He touched his heart with his fisted right hand and took a deep breath trying to compose himself.
‘It’s right here mate.’
        ‘First off I want to thank Kate for giving me the opportunity to speak about Dan and for organizing this memorial so we all have the opportunity to say our goodbyes to Dan and Alex. I know I haven’t been able to find where to put the feelings I’ve been having and could sure do with any help at all to deal with this mess.’
Kate looked affectionately at Tim and smiled.
        ‘Dan the man,’ Tim began. ‘Well, I’ve known him since we were nippers. Our folks were friends before we were even a thought in their heads. So luckily for them Dan and I got on like a house on fire and found a mutual love of sports, rugby in particular which bonded us for life I guess.’
Tim rubbed his bottom lip between his thumb and index finger as he thought about what he needed to say next, he didn’t want to mess this up, it was too important.
        ‘Dan was the most energetic, enthusiastic, generous man I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. I’ve never met anyone who could compare to him. He was a phenomenal guy, one of a kind you might say. I know I don’t come close to having his capacity to take life and run with it. He had an amazing ability to make the best of everything he did.’
Tim looked around the congregation and noted the nodding heads of Dan’s friends and family.
‘He was always a glass half full type of guy. He was the best friend any man could have and an amazing solicitor with the ability to charm any person young or old into doing his biding.’
He smiled and looked down at where Kate sat.
        ‘Kate your man was certainly one of a kind and when he met you he knew instantly that he had met the woman he was to spend the rest of his life with. He certainly wasted no time making sure you knew that. He never tried to pretend otherwise. He wasn’t afraid to admit you were it for him, no questions asked. I never even said this at your wedding but that first night in Toners when you guys met he asked me to be his best man, and you guys hadn’t even kissed yet!’
Kate laughed.
        ‘Since Dan & Alex were taken from us everyone I meet says the same thing about him. He was a damn good man and a great friend. He was also a super business partner. I know I’ll never meet anyone again in my life who comes close to being the all rounder that Dan was but like Rachel said before when she talked about Alex, I’m certainly a better man for knowing him and no matter what pain I feel now at his loss I wouldn’t want to erase the last 30 years of friendship in order to not feel it. There’s too many good memories caught up with the pain that’s there and I hope that sometime in the not too distant future I’ll be able to think about Dan and not feel so much sadness and just feel grateful for knowing him. Tim took a deep breath before he continued and raised an imaginary glass in a toast.
        ‘For now I want to say, Dan, you‘re the best, always were, always will be. Take care mate and look after that incredible son of yours. We’ll look after Kate for you at this end. See you around.’
        The congregation stood and applauded as Tim finished speaking. Kate walked towards the podium and embraced Tim. ‘Thank you so much for that Tim,’ she whispered to him.
        ‘We love you Kate,’ he embraced her and kissed her cheek. ‘You going to be able to do this?’
        ‘Yes I’ll be okay, thanks,’ she said as she made her way to the microphone.
As people composed themselves and the applause died down Kate coughed to clear her throat trying to compose herself.
        ‘Thank you for that Rachel and Tim. I really appreciate you’re kind words’. She bent her head and took a moment to think.
        ‘Where to start?’ Kate smiled sadly as she looked towards the pictures of Dan and Alex on the altar.
        ‘I guess I’ll start at the beginning.’
She looked down at her parents for encouragement as Jack nodded at her and mouthed ,
        ‘You can do this,’ back to her.
        ‘I remember when I first saw Dan. People say they don’t believe in love at first sight and if I’m honest I was amongst that group until the 21^st March 1998. He was standing at the bar counter in Toners with Tim, Brendan and Ian. They were such a good-looking bunch of guys that myself and the girls thought all our birthdays had come at once,’ she allowed herself to smile.
        ‘But Dan was the one I picked out and once he looked in my direction that was it. I was smithen. I think I may have even warned the girls off him, they’ve just always been too polite to bring it up.’ The congregation smiled companionably with Kate.
        ‘Tim mentioned to me earlier that Dan’s line on that night was “holy shit I’m a gonner”, sorry Marge.’ Kate looked at her Mother-in-law who smiled curtly up at her and bowed her head  quickly, embarrassed by the relaxed, almost irreverent manner which Kate was determined to use to describe her life with her son.
        ‘Many of you here knew Dan and I as a couple so you will understand when I say we ‘fit’ each other. Over the past two weeks since I decided it was time to hold this memorial I’ve tried to think of an appropriate way to describe what we had. And that’s what I came up with,’ Kate smiled, ‘I know you probably would have done a lot better Dan,’ she looked towards his framed picture, the congregation smiled again.
        ‘Dan made me the happiest woman on this earth, and for those that know me well that’s some feat,’ pausing she looked around the pews at the faces of all her family and friends.
        ‘As Tim said before, he was an amazing man. He was caring, honest and hard working. Everyone who knew and loved him knew they could depend on him. He had a great sense of humour and an ability to make everyone feel comfortable in his company. Dan brought all of his wonderful qualities into our marriage and made life so fantastic by just being around him. But most of all Dan was an amazing father. Alex was truly the love of his life and I knew I came second but it never occurred to me to care. The moment Dan held Alex in the delivery room he was – to use his own words once again ‘a gonner’.  I wept tears of pure joy when I saw them together for the first time. But Dan had a very special role model in his own father Jeremy and had always said how lucky he was that he had a father who he loved so dearly and respected so much. He always knew that how he wanted to bring Alex up was exactly the same as his father had done for him, no exceptions. He loved you dearly Jeremy.’
Kate saw the tears well in Jeremy’s eyes and blew him a kiss.
She took a deep breath before she lifted her head and looked at the picture on the altar of her son. His big smiling face, blond wavy hair and inquisitive brown eyes looking back at her.
        ‘My son, what can I say?’ the last words caught in her throat as she broke down.
Rose half stood to go to her, Jack grabbed her arm.
        ‘She’s ok,’ he whispered in her ear and placing his hand in hers squeezed it tight.
Kate raised her head again and this time she smiled.
        ‘He came from the incredible love Dan and I shared between us. And for eight wonderful years my son Alex held my heart in his hand. He still has it and he always will. I think Rachel summed him up when she spoke so lovingly about him. My son was very lucky to have gotten so many of his Dad’s traits, he may have looked like me but he acted like his Dad, some might say the perfect blend.’
        She looked around laughing as she wiped the corners of her eyes where the tears had lodged.
        ‘The one saving grace I can hold onto through all of this is that he is with his Dad. Alex adored Dan. He was completely sports mad as you all know and can see by the choice of gifts placed at the foot of their pictures here. Dan and Alex found a common thread in their love of the outdoors and sport and could play something every day and never tire of it.’
Kate looked over to her left where Alex’s school friends had gathered with their parents.
        ‘I want to thank you all, because Alex loved every minute he spent with you guys. He loved his friends and in turn he loved school because of it. He would come home so excited telling me everything you lot got up to during the day and his face was the picture of happiness. So thank you for being a part of his all too short life. Thank you for being his friends and giving him so much joy.’
Pausing Kate looked loving at the front row of people in front of her.
        ‘I would like to thank my parents and Dan’s parents and family as well. They have been a tremendous support to me and I really don’t think I would be here talking to you today if not for their love and strength.’
        ‘My last thank you is too you all here. For your unwavering support, the food, flowers, chocolates, and wine, many thanks. And for being here today to celebrate the life of my two boys, thank you.’
        ‘One other thing before we finish up. As most of you know, Dan and I were to celebrate our 10th Wedding anniversary at the end of September.  True to form my darling husband had already planned his gift for me. For those of you that don’t know, the only thing they found of Dan’s which could be returned to me was his wallet. Inside his wallet I found a receipt for a Paul Sheeran Jewellers. So yesterday I took myself into town and decided to see what it was for. To my complete shock this is what was waiting for me.’
Kate lifted her left arm so everyone could see. The gold and diamond encrusted bracelet sparkled as the light shone down on it. Kate paused and took a deep breath.
        ‘Nearly there,’ she told herself.
        ‘The reason for the docket was because Dan was having it engraved.’
Kate stopped for a moment looking at the light dancing on the diamonds on her wrist.
        ‘The engraving reads,’
        ‘K, u have my heart & soul x D 23.9.11’
Kate looked towards the pictures on the altar.
        ‘And you have mine darling,’ she smiled through her tears.

Coming Around Again - Chapter 8

(Hi everyone, I wanted to say thanks so much for all the support so far. I appreciate all the words of encouragement! If you are reading the book and finding that your are enjoying it please become a follower of the blog and tell your friends about it too!! Thanks Jill)

CHAPTER 8

        ‘I’ve got your favourite homemade baileys cheesecake for dessert.’
Marge was trying desperately to get Jeremy’s attention for longer than five minutes. He was always rushing around and distracted lately.
        ‘Um, thanks, I’ll have some later. I’m playing eighteen with Geoff this afternoon so I may be back late.’
        ‘Jeremy I really would like us to spend some time together. You’ve played golf most days for the past month, I’ve hardly seen you.’ Marge was trying hard not to plead with Jeremy but was finding it difficult.
        ‘I have been working as well you know Marge, it’s not all play. I need to network with these guys. You know how many deals happen over a golf game or a pint. Jesus woman stop nagging.’
Marge felt her anger rising.
        ‘Jeremy Maguire, I only asked if we can spend more time together. It’s all very well for you to go off swanning around with your golf buddy’s. But what about me? Your semi retirement was meant to mean more time for us and right now I can count on one hand the amount of hours we have spent together in the last month.’
        ‘Marge I need to do this. When I’m playing it’s the only time I’m not thinking about Dan and Alex. It’s what’s keeping me sane right now. There are too many memories here.’
Jeremy took up his car keys.
        ‘What about me?’ She asked again dejectedly. ‘Don’t you think I find it hard surrounded by all the memories every day too? Alex’s toys still in our garden. Dan’s old room still with his posters and trophy’s on the shelves? What about me? Don’t I count?’ she pleaded.
Jeremy knew he was being hurtful but he couldn’t seem to find it in himself anymore to look after Marge as well as himself. He lowered his head. He couldn’t look her in the eyes, sadly he replied,
        ‘I don’t know Marge, I really don’t know anymore.’
He walked out the door without a backward glance.

***

        The weeks progressed in the same vain for everyone. Kate stayed locked in her room, Marge stayed locked in her sadness with Jeremy running away from it. Jack and Rose tried to keep life as normal as possible in the hope that Kate would somehow turn her grief around. They didn’t hold out much hope that anything would change soon.
Jack had just returned from a trip to Spain where he took part in a protest and helped set up the ‘Campaign for Justice’ and as he stood at the closed door to Kate’s room unsure what to do he wished he had a crystal ball.
        He had received Dan’s wallet while he was in Spain. The crime scene detectives had found it in the clean up and were now starting to pass on personal effects to next of kin. What if giving it to her sent her over the edge? He knew his daughter well enough to know that if he kept it from her she would not appreciate it either. Here goes he thought. He wrapped lightly on the closed door,
        ‘Katie’ he spoke softly as he turned the knob ‘Are you awake darling?’
        ‘Yes dad,’ came the reply, ‘come in.’
        ‘Hello love.’ He was about to ask how she was feeling but one look at her tear stained face reminded him how futile that would be.
        Jack walked to the side of her bed and sat himself down. Kate was sitting cross legged on top of her gold satin bed throw. The pictures were now in neat bundles around her. This can’t be good for her thought Jack. This is too much of a reminder. But he knew she needed more time with them before she would be ready or able to let them go. As Rachel had said, they needed to let her be and do it her way. He just had to keep believing that she would be okay.
        Kate had her head bent and was holding her favourite picture of the three of them. Jack could understand why it was. It was one of those rare moments caught on camera where everyone was fully engaged in what they were doing, had no idea the camera was there yet they were smiling and joking with each other so that when it was taken the picture looked like it was from one of those fashion magazines, with a carefree happy family as the subject matter.  Claire had captured the moment perfectly as Alex planted a kiss on his mum’s cheek. Kate hadn’t seen the picture until Claire had brought it over two weeks ago.
Jack coughed,
        ‘Katie I have something for you.’
She looked up at her Dad and Jack thought his heart would break. The sadness he saw in his Katie’s eyes should never have to be experienced by one so young. Nobody should have to go through the pain of losing a child. Certainly not a woman of thirty three. And yet here she was, his only child disappearing before his eyes, after losing both her child and her husband. ‘How could life be so cruel?’ wondered Jack not for the first time. He was holding out the charred remains of Dan’s wallet, the edges of the brown leather were burnt in one corner, but other than that you would have no idea that the person it belonged to had been through such an horrific death. The melted cards inside were still recognizable as were the pictures of Alex and Kate.
        It took Kate a full minute to register what her father was handing her and as the realization washed over her she reached slowly for the wallet. She took a deep intake of breath as if she was about to dive into the depths of the ocean and drew the wallet to her. She looked at her Dad and whispered,
        ‘Thank you.’
He hadn’t expected that reaction. More tears maybe, hysterics possibly, but not calmness. But that’s what it felt like. He could feel it eminate from her soul. It was like Dan himself had come and wrapped two huge arms around her. She physically relaxed in front of him and if he wasn’t mistaken he could have sworn he saw her smile.
        ‘You know I bought this for him, on our first wedding anniversary.’
        ‘I hadn’t known.’
        ‘We were in Florence, remember? Dan asked what I would like to do for our anniversary and I said that as it is paper for a first anniversary we should go to Florence and spend lots of his paper money. He had laughed at me and said he thought it was a great idea. When we got there we found a market right behind our apartment off the Pointe Vecchio. The very next morning I sneaked out of the hotel and bought him the wallet. I brought us back pastries and coffee and put £100 in the wallet. I told him it was my contribution to our ‘paper anniversary’. He swore he would love it as long as he lived and would get much more use out of it than I would get out of all the clothes I would buy on the trip. He kept his promise. Didn’t he?’ Kate said quietly.
        Jack patted her hand,
        ‘I’m glad you have so many good memories from it darling. That’s a huge part of this life, the memories we build up with the people we love. It’s wonderful that you and Dan got to experience that sort of love, not everyone is as lucky.’
        Kate lifted her tearstained face and looked into her father’s eyes.
        ‘I know Dad, I just wasn’t ready to let it all go yet. I was so happy with the two of them you know. I just felt complete. I would wake up every morning and thank God for them. Dan understood me so well half the time I didn’t need to speak. He understood my moods and if I was having a bad day he would send me flowers or buy me a gift just to remind me how much he loved me, even if I was awful to him at times,’ Kate laughed gently.
        ‘It’s lovely to hear your laughter Katie. I thought it had left us for good.’ Jack reached over and tenderly hugged her close to him.
        As the tears started again Kate confided in her Dad.
        ‘You know sometimes I feel so guilty when I smile or laugh. Even though it’s because I’m remembering times with Dan or Alex when I do, as soon as it’s out I feel that I shouldn’t. I catch myself and say they will never have the chance to laugh again so how can I?’
        ‘You know darling, I can’t say what’s right or wrong for you to feel,’ he paused as he looked into her heartbroken eyes, ‘or even think.  All I can say is that knowing Dan like I did, and you know your mother and I thought on him as the son we never had.’
        ‘I know Dad.’
        ‘Well, all I know is that Dan would hate to think that you felt you could no longer smile at the memories he left behind or laugh at the antics that your son got up to. It’s what you have left of them darling and Dan of all people would hate to think that beautiful face of yours would never smile again. There is absolutely no reason for your guilt. You won’t forget them if you smile but you may forget the joy they gave you if you forget to laugh.’
Kate’s tears streamed down her face as she looked up at her Dad and kissed his cheek.
        ‘Thank you for saying that,’ she wiped the tears with the back of her hand as more washed down her cheeks. ‘I know it’s true but I think it’s going to take some time to really believe it.’
        ‘That’s alright too you know. This is unknown territory for you, for us all. One step at a time darling, that’s what you have to do and as surely as night follows day your pain will one day begin to ease.’
        ‘I can’t ever imagine that happening.’
        ‘It already is darling, it already is.’ Jack rubbed his hand over his daughter’s hair, patting it down.
        ‘You know you use to do that to me when I was upset as a kid’ Kate gulped.
        ‘You’re still my child….’ he stopped abruptly.
        ‘It’s okay Dad, I know …. I’m your child……..Alex was mine. Nothing has changed. He always will be mine’, she paused, ‘ Dad?’
        ‘Yes darling?’ Jack stopped rubbing Kate’s hair and looked down at her.
        ‘I would like to have a memorial service for Dan and Alex, what do you think?’
        ‘I think that’s a very fitting idea. Would you like your Mum and I to organize it?’
        ‘No thanks, I need to do this by myself, you understand, dont you?’
        ‘One hundred percent.’ Jack got up to leave and allowed himself to feel a glimmer of hope that Kate would be okay after all.
        ‘Why don’t you come downstairs when you’re ready and join your Mum and I for tea. You can tell us your plans then if you like.’
        ‘I’m going to shower first then I’ll be down, and Dad?’
        ‘Yes love?’
         ‘Thanks again. I’m so sorry for all the hurtful things I’ve said to you and Mum. I wouldn’t be able to do this if it wasn’t for you both.’
        ‘Yes you would Katie, you’re much stronger than you give yourself credit for, but you’re welcome.’
Jack gently closed the door behind him and noticed Kate was still holding Dan’s wallet.

Coming Around Again - Chapter 7

CHAPTER 7

        Rachel and Susan met for their usually get together in Odessa. Their Thursday night ritual had waned in the previous couple of weeks since Dan and Alex had been killed. They hoped that by getting back into a routine they could show Kate that life had to go on. They didn’t hold out much hope that she would join them after Rachels frank discussion with her the previous weekend but they had to believe that one day soon Kate would want to join them and be reminded of all the good times they had shared together.
        ‘Do you really think she will be a no show tonight?’ Susan wasn’t quite ready to let go of the idea that Kate might turn up.
        ‘Honestly, after last weekend I wouldn’t be surprised if we didn’t see or hear from Kate for quite some time.’ Rachel paused as the waiter brought their menu and a jug of water to their table.
Susan was looking anxiously at Rachel as she continued,
        ‘I’m sorry we didn’t get to speak about it properly during the week but I thought it would be better discussing it face to face today.’
        ‘Ye you’re probably right. So what actually happened?’
Rachel took a deep breath before continuing.
        ‘Well, you know how Jack and Mrs B called and said they were really worried about her?’
        ‘Yes.’ Susan nodded emphatically.
        ‘Well, what I didn’t tell you was the reason they were so worried.’ Rachel took a deep breath before continuing.  ‘It’s  because she is drinking a hell of a lot. I don’t mean a glass with dinner every night type of a lot I mean a bottle and then some.’
Susans shock was written all over her face as she responded.
        ‘Oh shit Rach that’s not good. Did you actually say it to Kate?’
        ‘Ye of course I did. I had to. As you can imagine it didn’t go down too well.’
        ‘I’d say that alright!’ Susan looked quizzically at Rachel. ‘Do you think it odd that we order a bottle of wine now to go with dinner?’
Rachel laughed.
        ‘No of course not. This is a whole different ball game to what’s happening with Katie. You choose. I’m happy to share a red if you are?’
        ‘Ye sounds good. So go on,’ Susan urged as she scanned the restaurant for a waiter and tried to catch his eye.
        ‘Well she still has all those pictures everywhere. I swear I don’t know how she does it Sue. I mean every day she just sits there staring at the pictures, going over and over them. It’s like nothing else exists. Then usually by about mid-afternoon, and some days Jack said its lunchtime she will go downstairs open a bottle and bring it back up with her.’
        ‘But have they not said it too her?’
        ‘Ye of course they have, but she’s just so angry. I think because they are there all the time she takes it out on them. From what I can gather if they so much as open their mouth she jumps down their throat.’
        ‘That must be awful for them.’
        ‘Ye, I think Mrs B is finding it more difficult. Jack seems to understand it’s not really about them, they just happen to be there 24/7.’
        ‘So anyway, go back to when you tried to talk to Kate.’ Susan urged as the waiter approached their table.
        ‘Ladies, can I get you a drink?’
Susan opened the wine list and replied.
        ‘Yes please, can we get a bottle of your Chilean house red please, the cabernet sauvignon?’ she smiled her killer smile and Rachel laughed as the waiter walked away.
        ‘I just love watching mens reactions to you. It’s hilarious to think you can make a man go weak at the knees just by flashing that brilliant seductive smile of yours.’
Embarrassed Susan replied.
        ‘Oh stop it you. He was grand. No affect whatsoever from me.’
        ‘Ye right and I’m Lady Di. It’s probably more those blow job lips that have him all hot and bothered!’ Rachel laughed.
        ‘Oh my God I can’t believe you just said that,’ Susan roared with laughter. ‘You’re incorrigible Rach. For the record they have not been put to good use in a long time so we may need a different pet name for them soon.’ Both girls squealed with laughter.
        ‘And I’m the incorrigible one?’ Rachel spoke through the tears of laughter.
Just as their laughter calmed down the waiter returned with their bottle and as he showed Susan the bottles label to ensure it was the correct one she pursed her lips and pouted sending Rachel into peels of laughter again. Confused the waiter swiftly uncorked the wine and poured a taster amount into Susans wine glass. Rachel waved her hands vorousiously as she tried to stop the laughter and much to her chagrin Susan explained her situation.
        ‘I’m so sorry about my friend, they warned me in the hospital when I was taking her out this may happen. She just needs to take her medication and she will be fine.’
 Rachel couldn’t believe the innocent sweet face Sue put on whilst smiling provocatively at the waiter.
        ‘She really did miss her calling as an actress.’ Thought Rachel as she reached over to playfully hit her friends arm as the confused waiter made a hasty escape from their table.
        ‘Anyway, we keep getting off the subject. Back to Kate.’ Susan took a sip of her wine.
Rachel’s laughter subsided as she continued.
        ‘Ye, so anyway, she did make some valid points that day. She basically told me that I have no idea what’s she’s going through and to fuck off and leave her alone.’
        ‘Oh that was a bit harsh.’
        ‘Actually no it wasn’t and in fairness to her she didn’t use those words. That was me translating for her because as you know Kate would never curse. But she basically told me where to get off and if I’m honest I don’t blame her.’
        ‘Really?’ Susan was a little taken aback. ‘You were only trying to help Rach, I’m sure she didn’t mean to be that cruel.’
        ‘She wasn’t being cruel Sue, that’s the thing. It’s not the Katie we know imprisoned in that room of hers. It’s somebody who looks a little like her and that’s it. She is skin and bones, her hair is greasy and she barely showers. Her skin looks clammy and has broken out in spots. Spots for Christ sake, Kate never even had those when we were teenagers! And when I looked at her my heart broke for her, it really did. She is a shadow of her former self. She looks like a lost soul and is so tiny sitting in her big kingsize bed.’ Rachel paused as the waiter came to take their food order. ‘Gosh, I haven’t even looked yet. What are you having Sue?’
        ‘I’ll have the fish special please, but can I replace the potatoes with extra veg?’
The waiter seemed to have gotten his mojo back as he smiled seductively back at Sue and replied,
        ‘For you madam, anything.’
Smirking Rachel said, ‘I’ll have the same please, but I will have the potatoes, thanks.’ She handed him the menu and smiled sweetly. ‘I may aswell not exist,’ she thought to herself as she watched the exchange between Sue and the waiter. You could set the atmosphere alight with the electricity running between them.
        ‘Holy Shit Sue, do you just want to get a room?’ Rachel remarked when he had left the table.
        ‘Oh don’t be so silly. But I think you were right the first time, I think he was flirting with me just then,’ Sue said coyly.
Sarcastically Rachel replied,
        ‘Ya think?’ before smiling companionably at her friend. ‘Whatever would Justin think?’
‘Oh he’s well used to my flirting. You know that. He finds it quite charming actually, thank god really. I do get quite a laugh out of it!’
        ‘Honestly Sue you get away with murder, you have no idea.’ Rachel lifted her glass, ‘I’d like to make a toast. To friends, together forever, no matter what and to Katie coming around again.’
        ‘Here, here.’ Said Sue and they clinked their glasses. ‘Now please finish the story before we have any other interruptions.’
        ‘Ok.  So, when I brought up the whole drinking situation with Katie she really went at me and accused me of drinking too much, and who was I to tell her what it was ok to drink. Honestly, I was taken aback by the anger. It made me understand what Mrs B was talking about because I hadn’t seen it before then. She really went for me Sue, I swear I was shocked.’
        ‘That’s unbelievable. And what did you say to her?’
        ‘What could I say? She told me that I had no idea what she was going through and she would basically do what she liked when she liked and how she liked and by the end of it all I wanted to do was give her a big hug and say she was right, I probably don’t have any clue as to how she really feels and I probably don’t have any right to tell her what to do. Who’s to say you or I wouldn’t react in exactly the same way if our family was taken from us like that?’
        ‘You’re very good Rach. I’m sure I wouldn’t have been able to hold my tongue if she had of gone for me like that.’ Sue shook her head as she looked at Rachel.
        ‘I think you would have. If you could have seen her there you would understand what I mean. It’s like somebody else has taken over her shell. Katie’s eyes have no life behind them. I was really shocked at her deterioration since I saw her last week.’
        ‘Do you think there is anything we can do for her, or anything she will let us do?’ Susan now looked very concerned and even the sexy waiter returning to the table with the food didn’t get so much as a thank you as the two girls leaned conspiratorially closer to each other across the table as they tried to figure out ways to help their friend.
        ‘I really don’t think so, not right now. I said as much to Jack and Mrs B and Jeremy was there too. I’ll tell you what I told them which was, I think we need to let her know we are here for her and then back off and wait for her to come to us. I just think it’s too soon and she needs more time to grieve.’
What if she doesn’t come to us though, she wouldn’t do anything stupid would she?’ now Susan was starting to get anxious as she thought of the state her friend was obviously in. She had no idea she had gotten so bad.
        ‘Honestly? I don’t know, I would hope not, but I can’t say for sure that it hasn’t crossed her mind at some point.’
Susan gasped at Rachels answer.
        ‘Really? Oh God, Really? I was just saying it. I didn’t actually think it was an option.’ Susan hung her head and pushed her plate away from her. ‘Oh God Rach I can’t believe that she would think that.’
        ‘Hang on, I didn’t say she had, I just said I wouldn’t be surprised. She has been through so much pain Sue, neither of us can begin to comprehend what has gone to through her mind. She never said it to me or anything like that. But put yourself in her shoes, Dan and Alex were blown up for Christ sake. She basically woke up one day and found they weren’t there, were never going to be again. She has no bodies to bury, no grave to visit, nothing. Don’t you think it’s reasonable that in all that she thought to herself why am I here? What’s the point? I know I would.’ Rachel reached out to touch Sue’s arm.
Sue grabbed hold of Rachels hand and looked pleadingly at her.
         ‘Oh my God no Rach. I would never consider that as an option. No matter what happened. What about everyone else left behind? What about the rest of her family, all of us? She still has so many people who love her and care for her.’
        ‘Look, you need to calm down.’ Rachel looked around the restaurant at the other diners. They were starting to draw glances their way. ‘I don’t know what she is thinking, but if Katie were to think that was her way to get rid of the pain then we are the ones that have to keep reminding her that there are other ways.’
Susan calmed down again and took a gulp of her wine.
        ‘Yes, yes you’re absolutely right. We have to show her we are here for her, everyday. So what do you suggest?’ Rachel looked at Sue’s big brown eyes and thought how childlike and innocent she looked sometimes. Sue always needed someone to look out for her even if she didn’t realize it herself. Rachel loved this quality about her friend. She liked being considered the strong one that held them together. At least it was one part of her life that she felt in control of.   ‘I suggest each of us ring her every day. If she refuses to talk to us we will go over and stand outside her room if we have to. We will do a rota and get Kelly involved and maybe Cass and a few others. Than we will know she has somebody calling everyday, it won’t be the same person taking on the burden and possible abuse and hopefully at some point Kate will come to the realization that we love her and want her back.’
        ‘Great idea Rach. I’ll do up a spreadsheet tomorrow in work and email it to everyone’
        ‘See I knew there was a reason you were such a good P.A.’ Rachel teased.
        ‘Ha, ha, you crack me up.’ Susan responded playfully. ‘Now maybe we should eat some food before we get any more strange glances from that adorable waiter of mine.’
        ‘Amazing,’ laughed Rachel, ‘ it took all of one hour for him to go from a nobody waiter to your very own personal one who would most likely lay himself down in a puddle so you could walk over it.’
Laughing Susan answered her.
        ‘It would be the least I would expect.’
        ‘Unbelievable,’ laughed Rachel as she drank her wine.