Coming Around Again - Chapter 13

Chapter 13 - Christmas Eve 2011

        Kate couldn’t sleep. She had taken to her bed early in the hope she could sleep away the heartache she was feeling. She was finding it particularly difficult today. Since her dinner with her Dad she had really tried for his sake at least to show an interest in what was happening in the investigation and the ‘Campaign For Justice’. But as the weeks moved on and Christmas approached she had felt the dark cloud descend lower and lower around her till it consumed her again. She had spent most of those weeks walking through the city feeling lost and alone, longingly starring at happy families buying their gifts amongst stores filled with Christmas decorations. She had always loved this time of year. It felt magical to her, like anything was possible. Even when people complained about hearing Christmas songs everywhere they went Kate was the one who couldn’t get enough of them. It drove Dan mad that once it turned December 1^st the Christmas CD’s would come out and Kate would happily sing and dance around the kitchen to each and every one. She even had Alex in on it much to Dan’s amusement. She used to love hearing Slade doing ‘Merry Christmas Everyone’ or Elvis singing ‘White Christmas’. Now, it felt like all those Christmas songs were mocking her. When she heard Chris Rea singing ‘Home for Christmas’ it managed to make her cry on the spot with no consideration for where she was or what she was doing.
Rachel had called around earlier. She knew Kate had refused to go to the partner’s dinner and she was still trying to get her to come away with the gang for New Years in Donegal.
To add to it she was now suggesting a get together on Stephens Day which Kate knew she had no interest in.  She couldn’t think of anything worse at the moment. Being around happy couples regaling each other with stories of how thoughtful and romantic they were was not high on her priority list. She knew Rachel and her friends meant well, but did they really think it would help her or them for that matter? They didn’t need her moping around on Stephens Day spoiling their few precious days off work. And how miserable would their New Years be if she was there with them in a house in the middle of nowhere crying for Dan and Alex and wishing they were there. Everyone would be on tender hooks watching what they said. They would all be anxious not to say anything to hurt or offend her and everyone would end up having a miserable time. No, it was best that she stayed at home where she felt a semblance of safety and at least she felt closer to Dan and Alex than when she was anywhere else.
        Kate had bought her parents and Dan’s parent’s gifts only two days before. Dan’s sister Claire had come by the previous week and shared a bottle of wine with her and they had exchanged gifts then. Kate hadn’t seen Claire’s two children since the memorial service. She knew Claire understood why. Harry was the same age as Alex, having been born only one week after him. Although Claire hadn’t lived in Ireland at the time her husband’s diplomatic job had brought them back in time for the boys first birthday which they had celebrated together. Alex and Harry were thick as thieves and had loved spending time together. When the boys turned four Claire and Desmond had moved again, this time to New York and had only returned home a few months before Alex and Dan were killed. Seeing Harry again only set as a reminder to Kate what she was missing with her own son. The wound was too raw but Claire was just as kind and considerate as Dan ever was. She made sure Kate knew that she understood completely and if the shoe was on the other foot she would do exactly the same thing.
        When she had some quite time Kate had taken to talking to Dan & Alex over the last few weeks and tonight, being Christmas Eve, was no exception.
        ‘I’m unsure what to say to you two tonight’.
She was lying in bed with her eyes wide open in the darkness.
        ‘I’m fed up telling you I wish you were here. I keep hoping that I’ll wake up one morning and that second just before I realize you’re gone would keep on going. I want that feeling to last forever. But it doesn’t and the moment I realize that I’m living this nightmare all the pain rushes into me and I feel it in every corner of my bloody body. People keep telling me the pain will ease but they don’t know anything. If they did they wouldn’t say that. Each day is just getting harder. What the hell am I meant to do without you two here to celebrate Christmas with me? What have I got to celebrate?’ she tried to hold back the tears.
        ‘I keep remembering last year and how happy we were Dan.  Do you remember? You and I had gone shopping in New York and visited Claire and Desmond and I think we bought everything on Alex’s wish list. Then we spent days decorating the house as usual before having that great meal on Christmas Eve for all our friends. The partners in Cabott, Maguire and Henry were suitably impressed. And do you remember after the party? Alex darling close your ears, this one is just for your Dad. Do you remember the dining room table? I certainly haven’t forgotten that, you were insatiable,’ she grinned through the tears that had started to fall as the memories consumed her.
        Kate took a deep breath.
        ‘I love all our memories because it reminds me that I was once so very happy.  But now that Christmas is here and I know you won’t ever be coming home again I have a confession. I don’t want tomorrow to come, I wish I could close my eyes and be with you and then there would be no more pain for me.’
She was weeping now. The tears sliding down the side of her face soaking into her hair and pillow.
        ‘Dan, Your Mum & Dad are coming tomorrow for dinner along with my parents’ she sniffled. They insisted on having us all together and I couldn’t contemplate being anywhere other than here. Marge and Mum are doing the cooking. I’m sure they’ll tell me what jobs they want me to do. ‘Your Dad isn’t handling things too well. Your Mum and him seem to be constantly picking holes in each other. And it’s not like before, when your Mum would be moaning at your Dad. He’s very angry and isn’t afraid to give it back to Marge. I think she’s a bit shocked that he’s standing up to her. He misses you so much he can hardly say your name without breaking down.’
        ‘Alex, Harry & Louise and of course your grandparents send their love and wish you Merry Christmas,’ she paused. ‘Now I have something for you both. I bought you guys a present.’
She took a deep breath sat up in the bed and wiped the tears. Turning on the bedside light Kate took hold of the now framed picture of the three of them she kept on the locker.
        ‘I kept thinking what I could get you and nothing seemed appropriate. Then I found the perfect gift.’
Kate looked at Dan and Alex’s familiar faces.
        ‘I got you both a star’ she looked from one to the other smiling up at her from the picture in her hands. ‘I know you will laugh at me, I can picture you doing it. I can see the devilment in your eyes..…’
She choked back the tears,
        ‘I hope you like them, they’re named after you.’
        ‘Dan, just so you know, you bought me a ring darling. It goes beautifully with the eternity ring you bought me when we had Alex. I wrapped it and placed it under the tree. I’ll open it tomorrow if that’s ok?’
She asked the question, knowing no answer would ever come. Kate sat for a long time staring at the beautiful faces of her boys. Drinking them in. Afraid she would forget what they looked like. ‘I’m going to try and sleep now boys. You two look after each other and I’ll do my best on this end. Remember I love you with everything I have and would give the world to be able to kiss you both now and hold you tight’.
        ‘Merry Christmas Dan, Merry Christmas Alex.’
The silence enveloped her as Kate wrapped her arms tightly around herself, rocked back and forth, and cried bitterly.

Coming Around Again - Chapter 12

CHAPTER 12

         ‘Ahh would you look at that?’ Kelly sighed as she plonked herself into a seat in the coffee shop off Stephens Green while watching the rain lash the windows. ‘I vote we give up the ghost on this Christmas shopping thing and throw a brandy into this coffee.’
Susan laughed as she sat down.
                ‘I concur. No point in walking around in that and catching our death. We’ll end up being sick for Christmas.’
Rachel caught the last few words as she sat down.
                ‘Who’s sick for Christmas?’
The girls laughed.
                ‘Nobody,’ responded Susan.  ‘I was just agreeing with Kelly’s suggestion that we throw in the towel on this shopping lark and add a brandy to these coffees.’
                ‘Oh girl’s I’d love to but I really have to finish my shopping. I’ve done nothing so far. Today is the first day I’ve gotten out there to do it.’
Susan teased her.
                ‘What in god’s name have you been doing woman? You’ve no kids or even a husband to worry about and you still haven’t managed to do your shopping?’
                ‘Oh that’s it rub it in. I’ve no husband or kids. I’ve no life.’ Rachel was laughing as she took a sip from her frothy cappuccino.
                ‘Oh feck off. You know what I mean!’
Kelly joined in the banter.
                ‘Hey I’ve no kids either and I only finished mine this morning in that jewellery shop where I bought my Mums present.’
                ‘I don’t know what I’ll do with you two. You need to do what I do. New York every year. First week in December and you get everything done and I always manage to pick up one or two extra gifts for myself!’
                ‘I bet Justin just loves that!’
Laughing, Susan answered.
                ‘Funny you should say that Kelly this year when I came home he didn’t even ask what he bought me for Christmas. He takes it for granted now that come Christmas morning there’s an extra few gifts under the tree from him to me.’
                ‘You really have that husband of yours wrapped around your finger don’t you.’ Rachel couldn’t help the slight twinge of jealousy she felt as she looked at Susan gushing about her shopping trip. The way her eyes lit up as she talked about Justin somehow managed to remind Rachel once more how empty she felt her life was without a partner to share it with. She couldn’t seem to shake the feeling lately that she would dearly love someone in her life. Maybe it was Dan’s death that reminded her how time catches up with you and how quickly things can be taken from you.
‘What if I never get the opportunity to experience all that a relationship has to offer.’ She thought to herself.
‘What if I never get to have kids and a family life? Her mind was filled with thoughts of longing and she had completely tuned out the girls at the table.
                ‘Earth to Rachel.’ Kelly was waving her hand in front of Rachel’s face in an attempt to get her attention.
                ‘Oh sorry, I was away in another world there.’
                ‘We know. We were talking about Christmas. What’s the plan for you? Will you be seeing Kate?’
                ‘Oh, I..em..I don’t know really. I was leaving it until the last minute to call her about getting together maybe on Stephens day for a few hours. I figure the less time I give her to think about it the more chance I have of getting her to meet up.’
                ‘Nice strategic thinking there Rach. Do you think she will meet up with you? Would she like to meet up with us all for a few hours at some point over the holidays?’
                ‘If I’m realistic, the probability of either of those two things happening are very slim.’
Kelly wondered if Kate would ever be her old self again.
                ‘Do you think she would like a visit from us? We could bring the party to her, so to speak?’
                ‘Not a bad idea Kelly. What do you think Rachel?’
                ‘Ye, maybe. Let me have a chat with her later and see what the mood is like?’
                ‘Ok , so in the meantime what are your plans over the Christmas?’ Susan was trying to get the waiters attention. ‘Are you with the family?’
                ‘Gosh ye. If I didn’t turn up for the O’Brien family Christmas my life wouldn’t be worth living. What about you guys? What are the plans?’
Kelly answered first.
                ‘Well I’m going to Pats family this year. It’s only fair. He spent last year at mine. I have to say I’m really going to miss my family this Christmas. I’m finding it hard to get my head around the whole thing.’
                ‘Ah Kelly that’s tough. I was very lucky that Justin was from Dublin so we could go to both houses at Christmas when we were first going out.  It certainly made things a lot easier when we had the kids and started staying at home. Both sets of parents could visit and then feck off before we wanted to kill each other.’ All the girls burst out laughing as the waiter approached their table.
                ‘Who wants what?’ Susan asked.
                ‘I’ll manage another cappuccino please.’ Kelly figured she wasn’t rushing anywhere after seeing the horrendous weather outside.
                ‘Yes I’ll have one too,’ said Susan.
                ‘Oh to hell with it I’ll have another quick one before venturing out into the elements,’ said Rachel.
                ‘Ye no point in rushing around just yet, thanks.’ Susan dismissed the waiter as they returned to their conversation. ‘Now where were we?  Susan wondered. ‘Oh Yes, I was saying how I like Justins family to be able to feck off when I’ve had a dose of them.’
                ‘I know what you mean. Pats family aren’t the liveliest bunch in the world. I’ve no idea how I’ll cope for three whole days locked into Duffington Manor being regaled by stories of the good aul’ times by all Pats aunts and uncles. His parents are ancient and they each have about 20 siblings. They all decend on Duffington on Christmas Eve and stay until after Stephens day.’
Rachel surpressed a laugh.
                ‘Oh that sounds fascinating to me Kelly.’
                ‘Ye right, I’d love to see you do it O’Brien. You’d die of boredom before Uncle Albert finished discussing his involuntary bowel movements with graphic descriptions.’
Rachel and Susan were doubled over with laughter.
                ‘Oh no Kelly, that’s awful, you poor thing.’
                ‘I wouldn’t mind, but he actually tells me about it everytime I go down there. It’s like he has found a confidante in me and for some reason he feels now it’s completely appropriate to inform me whether it’s been a good week in the intestinal world of Mr Albert Duffington.’
Rachel choked back the laughter enough to say, ‘I propose you get him at his own game. Tell him about yours,’ before laughing heartedly with Susan.
                ‘Ah gee girls your sympathy is overwhelming.’ Kelly couldn’t keep a straight face while she tried to give out to the girls. ‘I’m glad I shared that with you both.’ She laughed along with them at the thought of the shock on Uncle Albert’s face if she started to regale him with the intimate details of her daily movements. ‘I’ll tell you something though. I am so looking forward to our New Years trip away. Roll on December 30^th I say. I don’t care how wet and cold it is outside I am going to thoroughly enjoy our few days in the wilds of Donegal.’
                ‘Yes, I’m with you on that one Kelly. I’m really looking forward to it. I just emailed the house owners this morning. They seem so lovely. They wished me a happy Christmas and they sound nearly as excited as we are at the prospect of our visit. I hope they feel the same way after we vacate their summer home?’
                ‘They probably think we are crazy renting a cottage they normally only use in summer time. ‘
‘I think they’re just happy to have someone else enjoy it. Now listen I have another friend I invited. I know it’s last thing, but she just broke up with her boyfriend and they had made plans to spend it with all of his friends in some hotel in Kerry at a big black tie ball. I felt so sorry for her when she was telling me.’
                ‘Hey as far as I’m concerned the more the merrier.’
                ‘Are you sure? I don’t want you to feel I’m hijacking it.’
                ‘Rach, you’re the one that organized the whole thing. Of course not. Nobody will mind. In fact nobody will probably even notice.’
                ‘Ye, you’re right. That’s great I’ll confirm with her later today. It means its less money for all us. I figured I’d just use her contribution as the kitty for food….’
                ‘This is all lovely girls but if you want to get the rest of your shopping done Rach we really should be making a move.’
Kelly joked with Susan.
                ‘Oh listen to you. No point getting jealous of us non childrened folk. Just because you wish Justin and yourself could come away to Donegal with us instead of Skiing in Gstaad with Royalty and A-list celebrities. I’m afraid you’ll just have to deal with it Susan.’
                ‘Ye, ye I know.’ Susan played along. ‘I don’t know how I’m going to survive a whole week of that much luxury, pampering, great food and wines and some of the best slopes in Europe. It’s going to be tough.’
Rachel playfully hit her on the arm.
                ‘Ye my heart bleeds for you.’
                ‘Girls honestly, I would much prefer to be in Donegal in a cold cottage with the gang, honestly. But enough of that.  Rach if you want to finish your shopping we have to get going because it’s nearly lunchtime and in my book that’s Café En Seine, a goats cheese tartlet, and a nice warming glass of a ruby red alcoholic beverage.’
                ‘Well when you put it like that I can’t think of anything better. I promise I’ll race around. Why don’t you guys head there now? I’ll get what I need and just follow you over?’
Kelly responded as they stood to get their coats and paraphernalia together.
                ‘Ah that takes the fun out of it for you.’
                ‘Don’t be silly, of course it won’t. It will just mean I actually get my shopping done without you two dawdling along and holding me up.’ Rachel responded cheekily.
                ‘Grand with me. That 400 yard walk will get my appetite going.’ Kelly laughed as she put on her cashmere wool coat. Every time she wrapped it around her she was reminded of her Mum and her insistence that she needed ‘investment pieces’ in her wardrobe. It had taken Kelly a long time to realize her Mum was right and the soft warmth of her cream full length coat was testament to this invaluable piece of advice.
‘Christmas time is hardest,’ she thought as fond memories enveloped her. ‘Miss you Mum,’ she thought to herself. ‘Wish you were here.’
                ‘Well I better go with this one or the customers in Café En Seine won’t be safe,’ Susan linked Kellys arm.
                ‘Ye it’s me that’s the bad influence,’ Kelly smiled at her friend. ‘Come on we’re holding Rach up. See you in a while Rach. Good luck with the shopping.’
                ‘Thanks ladies, see you shortly, mine is a hot port, I’ll text you when to order it.’