Coming Around Again - Chapter 8

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CHAPTER 8

        ‘I’ve got your favourite homemade baileys cheesecake for dessert.’
Marge was trying desperately to get Jeremy’s attention for longer than five minutes. He was always rushing around and distracted lately.
        ‘Um, thanks, I’ll have some later. I’m playing eighteen with Geoff this afternoon so I may be back late.’
        ‘Jeremy I really would like us to spend some time together. You’ve played golf most days for the past month, I’ve hardly seen you.’ Marge was trying hard not to plead with Jeremy but was finding it difficult.
        ‘I have been working as well you know Marge, it’s not all play. I need to network with these guys. You know how many deals happen over a golf game or a pint. Jesus woman stop nagging.’
Marge felt her anger rising.
        ‘Jeremy Maguire, I only asked if we can spend more time together. It’s all very well for you to go off swanning around with your golf buddy’s. But what about me? Your semi retirement was meant to mean more time for us and right now I can count on one hand the amount of hours we have spent together in the last month.’
        ‘Marge I need to do this. When I’m playing it’s the only time I’m not thinking about Dan and Alex. It’s what’s keeping me sane right now. There are too many memories here.’
Jeremy took up his car keys.
        ‘What about me?’ She asked again dejectedly. ‘Don’t you think I find it hard surrounded by all the memories every day too? Alex’s toys still in our garden. Dan’s old room still with his posters and trophy’s on the shelves? What about me? Don’t I count?’ she pleaded.
Jeremy knew he was being hurtful but he couldn’t seem to find it in himself anymore to look after Marge as well as himself. He lowered his head. He couldn’t look her in the eyes, sadly he replied,
        ‘I don’t know Marge, I really don’t know anymore.’
He walked out the door without a backward glance.

***

        The weeks progressed in the same vain for everyone. Kate stayed locked in her room, Marge stayed locked in her sadness with Jeremy running away from it. Jack and Rose tried to keep life as normal as possible in the hope that Kate would somehow turn her grief around. They didn’t hold out much hope that anything would change soon.
Jack had just returned from a trip to Spain where he took part in a protest and helped set up the ‘Campaign for Justice’ and as he stood at the closed door to Kate’s room unsure what to do he wished he had a crystal ball.
        He had received Dan’s wallet while he was in Spain. The crime scene detectives had found it in the clean up and were now starting to pass on personal effects to next of kin. What if giving it to her sent her over the edge? He knew his daughter well enough to know that if he kept it from her she would not appreciate it either. Here goes he thought. He wrapped lightly on the closed door,
        ‘Katie’ he spoke softly as he turned the knob ‘Are you awake darling?’
        ‘Yes dad,’ came the reply, ‘come in.’
        ‘Hello love.’ He was about to ask how she was feeling but one look at her tear stained face reminded him how futile that would be.
        Jack walked to the side of her bed and sat himself down. Kate was sitting cross legged on top of her gold satin bed throw. The pictures were now in neat bundles around her. This can’t be good for her thought Jack. This is too much of a reminder. But he knew she needed more time with them before she would be ready or able to let them go. As Rachel had said, they needed to let her be and do it her way. He just had to keep believing that she would be okay.
        Kate had her head bent and was holding her favourite picture of the three of them. Jack could understand why it was. It was one of those rare moments caught on camera where everyone was fully engaged in what they were doing, had no idea the camera was there yet they were smiling and joking with each other so that when it was taken the picture looked like it was from one of those fashion magazines, with a carefree happy family as the subject matter.  Claire had captured the moment perfectly as Alex planted a kiss on his mum’s cheek. Kate hadn’t seen the picture until Claire had brought it over two weeks ago.
Jack coughed,
        ‘Katie I have something for you.’
She looked up at her Dad and Jack thought his heart would break. The sadness he saw in his Katie’s eyes should never have to be experienced by one so young. Nobody should have to go through the pain of losing a child. Certainly not a woman of thirty three. And yet here she was, his only child disappearing before his eyes, after losing both her child and her husband. ‘How could life be so cruel?’ wondered Jack not for the first time. He was holding out the charred remains of Dan’s wallet, the edges of the brown leather were burnt in one corner, but other than that you would have no idea that the person it belonged to had been through such an horrific death. The melted cards inside were still recognizable as were the pictures of Alex and Kate.
        It took Kate a full minute to register what her father was handing her and as the realization washed over her she reached slowly for the wallet. She took a deep intake of breath as if she was about to dive into the depths of the ocean and drew the wallet to her. She looked at her Dad and whispered,
        ‘Thank you.’
He hadn’t expected that reaction. More tears maybe, hysterics possibly, but not calmness. But that’s what it felt like. He could feel it eminate from her soul. It was like Dan himself had come and wrapped two huge arms around her. She physically relaxed in front of him and if he wasn’t mistaken he could have sworn he saw her smile.
        ‘You know I bought this for him, on our first wedding anniversary.’
        ‘I hadn’t known.’
        ‘We were in Florence, remember? Dan asked what I would like to do for our anniversary and I said that as it is paper for a first anniversary we should go to Florence and spend lots of his paper money. He had laughed at me and said he thought it was a great idea. When we got there we found a market right behind our apartment off the Pointe Vecchio. The very next morning I sneaked out of the hotel and bought him the wallet. I brought us back pastries and coffee and put £100 in the wallet. I told him it was my contribution to our ‘paper anniversary’. He swore he would love it as long as he lived and would get much more use out of it than I would get out of all the clothes I would buy on the trip. He kept his promise. Didn’t he?’ Kate said quietly.
        Jack patted her hand,
        ‘I’m glad you have so many good memories from it darling. That’s a huge part of this life, the memories we build up with the people we love. It’s wonderful that you and Dan got to experience that sort of love, not everyone is as lucky.’
        Kate lifted her tearstained face and looked into her father’s eyes.
        ‘I know Dad, I just wasn’t ready to let it all go yet. I was so happy with the two of them you know. I just felt complete. I would wake up every morning and thank God for them. Dan understood me so well half the time I didn’t need to speak. He understood my moods and if I was having a bad day he would send me flowers or buy me a gift just to remind me how much he loved me, even if I was awful to him at times,’ Kate laughed gently.
        ‘It’s lovely to hear your laughter Katie. I thought it had left us for good.’ Jack reached over and tenderly hugged her close to him.
        As the tears started again Kate confided in her Dad.
        ‘You know sometimes I feel so guilty when I smile or laugh. Even though it’s because I’m remembering times with Dan or Alex when I do, as soon as it’s out I feel that I shouldn’t. I catch myself and say they will never have the chance to laugh again so how can I?’
        ‘You know darling, I can’t say what’s right or wrong for you to feel,’ he paused as he looked into her heartbroken eyes, ‘or even think.  All I can say is that knowing Dan like I did, and you know your mother and I thought on him as the son we never had.’
        ‘I know Dad.’
        ‘Well, all I know is that Dan would hate to think that you felt you could no longer smile at the memories he left behind or laugh at the antics that your son got up to. It’s what you have left of them darling and Dan of all people would hate to think that beautiful face of yours would never smile again. There is absolutely no reason for your guilt. You won’t forget them if you smile but you may forget the joy they gave you if you forget to laugh.’
Kate’s tears streamed down her face as she looked up at her Dad and kissed his cheek.
        ‘Thank you for saying that,’ she wiped the tears with the back of her hand as more washed down her cheeks. ‘I know it’s true but I think it’s going to take some time to really believe it.’
        ‘That’s alright too you know. This is unknown territory for you, for us all. One step at a time darling, that’s what you have to do and as surely as night follows day your pain will one day begin to ease.’
        ‘I can’t ever imagine that happening.’
        ‘It already is darling, it already is.’ Jack rubbed his hand over his daughter’s hair, patting it down.
        ‘You know you use to do that to me when I was upset as a kid’ Kate gulped.
        ‘You’re still my child….’ he stopped abruptly.
        ‘It’s okay Dad, I know …. I’m your child……..Alex was mine. Nothing has changed. He always will be mine’, she paused, ‘ Dad?’
        ‘Yes darling?’ Jack stopped rubbing Kate’s hair and looked down at her.
        ‘I would like to have a memorial service for Dan and Alex, what do you think?’
        ‘I think that’s a very fitting idea. Would you like your Mum and I to organize it?’
        ‘No thanks, I need to do this by myself, you understand, dont you?’
        ‘One hundred percent.’ Jack got up to leave and allowed himself to feel a glimmer of hope that Kate would be okay after all.
        ‘Why don’t you come downstairs when you’re ready and join your Mum and I for tea. You can tell us your plans then if you like.’
        ‘I’m going to shower first then I’ll be down, and Dad?’
        ‘Yes love?’
         ‘Thanks again. I’m so sorry for all the hurtful things I’ve said to you and Mum. I wouldn’t be able to do this if it wasn’t for you both.’
        ‘Yes you would Katie, you’re much stronger than you give yourself credit for, but you’re welcome.’
Jack gently closed the door behind him and noticed Kate was still holding Dan’s wallet.

Coming Around Again - Chapter 7

CHAPTER 7

        Rachel and Susan met for their usually get together in Odessa. Their Thursday night ritual had waned in the previous couple of weeks since Dan and Alex had been killed. They hoped that by getting back into a routine they could show Kate that life had to go on. They didn’t hold out much hope that she would join them after Rachels frank discussion with her the previous weekend but they had to believe that one day soon Kate would want to join them and be reminded of all the good times they had shared together.
        ‘Do you really think she will be a no show tonight?’ Susan wasn’t quite ready to let go of the idea that Kate might turn up.
        ‘Honestly, after last weekend I wouldn’t be surprised if we didn’t see or hear from Kate for quite some time.’ Rachel paused as the waiter brought their menu and a jug of water to their table.
Susan was looking anxiously at Rachel as she continued,
        ‘I’m sorry we didn’t get to speak about it properly during the week but I thought it would be better discussing it face to face today.’
        ‘Ye you’re probably right. So what actually happened?’
Rachel took a deep breath before continuing.
        ‘Well, you know how Jack and Mrs B called and said they were really worried about her?’
        ‘Yes.’ Susan nodded emphatically.
        ‘Well, what I didn’t tell you was the reason they were so worried.’ Rachel took a deep breath before continuing.  ‘It’s  because she is drinking a hell of a lot. I don’t mean a glass with dinner every night type of a lot I mean a bottle and then some.’
Susans shock was written all over her face as she responded.
        ‘Oh shit Rach that’s not good. Did you actually say it to Kate?’
        ‘Ye of course I did. I had to. As you can imagine it didn’t go down too well.’
        ‘I’d say that alright!’ Susan looked quizzically at Rachel. ‘Do you think it odd that we order a bottle of wine now to go with dinner?’
Rachel laughed.
        ‘No of course not. This is a whole different ball game to what’s happening with Katie. You choose. I’m happy to share a red if you are?’
        ‘Ye sounds good. So go on,’ Susan urged as she scanned the restaurant for a waiter and tried to catch his eye.
        ‘Well she still has all those pictures everywhere. I swear I don’t know how she does it Sue. I mean every day she just sits there staring at the pictures, going over and over them. It’s like nothing else exists. Then usually by about mid-afternoon, and some days Jack said its lunchtime she will go downstairs open a bottle and bring it back up with her.’
        ‘But have they not said it too her?’
        ‘Ye of course they have, but she’s just so angry. I think because they are there all the time she takes it out on them. From what I can gather if they so much as open their mouth she jumps down their throat.’
        ‘That must be awful for them.’
        ‘Ye, I think Mrs B is finding it more difficult. Jack seems to understand it’s not really about them, they just happen to be there 24/7.’
        ‘So anyway, go back to when you tried to talk to Kate.’ Susan urged as the waiter approached their table.
        ‘Ladies, can I get you a drink?’
Susan opened the wine list and replied.
        ‘Yes please, can we get a bottle of your Chilean house red please, the cabernet sauvignon?’ she smiled her killer smile and Rachel laughed as the waiter walked away.
        ‘I just love watching mens reactions to you. It’s hilarious to think you can make a man go weak at the knees just by flashing that brilliant seductive smile of yours.’
Embarrassed Susan replied.
        ‘Oh stop it you. He was grand. No affect whatsoever from me.’
        ‘Ye right and I’m Lady Di. It’s probably more those blow job lips that have him all hot and bothered!’ Rachel laughed.
        ‘Oh my God I can’t believe you just said that,’ Susan roared with laughter. ‘You’re incorrigible Rach. For the record they have not been put to good use in a long time so we may need a different pet name for them soon.’ Both girls squealed with laughter.
        ‘And I’m the incorrigible one?’ Rachel spoke through the tears of laughter.
Just as their laughter calmed down the waiter returned with their bottle and as he showed Susan the bottles label to ensure it was the correct one she pursed her lips and pouted sending Rachel into peels of laughter again. Confused the waiter swiftly uncorked the wine and poured a taster amount into Susans wine glass. Rachel waved her hands vorousiously as she tried to stop the laughter and much to her chagrin Susan explained her situation.
        ‘I’m so sorry about my friend, they warned me in the hospital when I was taking her out this may happen. She just needs to take her medication and she will be fine.’
 Rachel couldn’t believe the innocent sweet face Sue put on whilst smiling provocatively at the waiter.
        ‘She really did miss her calling as an actress.’ Thought Rachel as she reached over to playfully hit her friends arm as the confused waiter made a hasty escape from their table.
        ‘Anyway, we keep getting off the subject. Back to Kate.’ Susan took a sip of her wine.
Rachel’s laughter subsided as she continued.
        ‘Ye, so anyway, she did make some valid points that day. She basically told me that I have no idea what’s she’s going through and to fuck off and leave her alone.’
        ‘Oh that was a bit harsh.’
        ‘Actually no it wasn’t and in fairness to her she didn’t use those words. That was me translating for her because as you know Kate would never curse. But she basically told me where to get off and if I’m honest I don’t blame her.’
        ‘Really?’ Susan was a little taken aback. ‘You were only trying to help Rach, I’m sure she didn’t mean to be that cruel.’
        ‘She wasn’t being cruel Sue, that’s the thing. It’s not the Katie we know imprisoned in that room of hers. It’s somebody who looks a little like her and that’s it. She is skin and bones, her hair is greasy and she barely showers. Her skin looks clammy and has broken out in spots. Spots for Christ sake, Kate never even had those when we were teenagers! And when I looked at her my heart broke for her, it really did. She is a shadow of her former self. She looks like a lost soul and is so tiny sitting in her big kingsize bed.’ Rachel paused as the waiter came to take their food order. ‘Gosh, I haven’t even looked yet. What are you having Sue?’
        ‘I’ll have the fish special please, but can I replace the potatoes with extra veg?’
The waiter seemed to have gotten his mojo back as he smiled seductively back at Sue and replied,
        ‘For you madam, anything.’
Smirking Rachel said, ‘I’ll have the same please, but I will have the potatoes, thanks.’ She handed him the menu and smiled sweetly. ‘I may aswell not exist,’ she thought to herself as she watched the exchange between Sue and the waiter. You could set the atmosphere alight with the electricity running between them.
        ‘Holy Shit Sue, do you just want to get a room?’ Rachel remarked when he had left the table.
        ‘Oh don’t be so silly. But I think you were right the first time, I think he was flirting with me just then,’ Sue said coyly.
Sarcastically Rachel replied,
        ‘Ya think?’ before smiling companionably at her friend. ‘Whatever would Justin think?’
‘Oh he’s well used to my flirting. You know that. He finds it quite charming actually, thank god really. I do get quite a laugh out of it!’
        ‘Honestly Sue you get away with murder, you have no idea.’ Rachel lifted her glass, ‘I’d like to make a toast. To friends, together forever, no matter what and to Katie coming around again.’
        ‘Here, here.’ Said Sue and they clinked their glasses. ‘Now please finish the story before we have any other interruptions.’
        ‘Ok.  So, when I brought up the whole drinking situation with Katie she really went at me and accused me of drinking too much, and who was I to tell her what it was ok to drink. Honestly, I was taken aback by the anger. It made me understand what Mrs B was talking about because I hadn’t seen it before then. She really went for me Sue, I swear I was shocked.’
        ‘That’s unbelievable. And what did you say to her?’
        ‘What could I say? She told me that I had no idea what she was going through and she would basically do what she liked when she liked and how she liked and by the end of it all I wanted to do was give her a big hug and say she was right, I probably don’t have any clue as to how she really feels and I probably don’t have any right to tell her what to do. Who’s to say you or I wouldn’t react in exactly the same way if our family was taken from us like that?’
        ‘You’re very good Rach. I’m sure I wouldn’t have been able to hold my tongue if she had of gone for me like that.’ Sue shook her head as she looked at Rachel.
        ‘I think you would have. If you could have seen her there you would understand what I mean. It’s like somebody else has taken over her shell. Katie’s eyes have no life behind them. I was really shocked at her deterioration since I saw her last week.’
        ‘Do you think there is anything we can do for her, or anything she will let us do?’ Susan now looked very concerned and even the sexy waiter returning to the table with the food didn’t get so much as a thank you as the two girls leaned conspiratorially closer to each other across the table as they tried to figure out ways to help their friend.
        ‘I really don’t think so, not right now. I said as much to Jack and Mrs B and Jeremy was there too. I’ll tell you what I told them which was, I think we need to let her know we are here for her and then back off and wait for her to come to us. I just think it’s too soon and she needs more time to grieve.’
What if she doesn’t come to us though, she wouldn’t do anything stupid would she?’ now Susan was starting to get anxious as she thought of the state her friend was obviously in. She had no idea she had gotten so bad.
        ‘Honestly? I don’t know, I would hope not, but I can’t say for sure that it hasn’t crossed her mind at some point.’
Susan gasped at Rachels answer.
        ‘Really? Oh God, Really? I was just saying it. I didn’t actually think it was an option.’ Susan hung her head and pushed her plate away from her. ‘Oh God Rach I can’t believe that she would think that.’
        ‘Hang on, I didn’t say she had, I just said I wouldn’t be surprised. She has been through so much pain Sue, neither of us can begin to comprehend what has gone to through her mind. She never said it to me or anything like that. But put yourself in her shoes, Dan and Alex were blown up for Christ sake. She basically woke up one day and found they weren’t there, were never going to be again. She has no bodies to bury, no grave to visit, nothing. Don’t you think it’s reasonable that in all that she thought to herself why am I here? What’s the point? I know I would.’ Rachel reached out to touch Sue’s arm.
Sue grabbed hold of Rachels hand and looked pleadingly at her.
         ‘Oh my God no Rach. I would never consider that as an option. No matter what happened. What about everyone else left behind? What about the rest of her family, all of us? She still has so many people who love her and care for her.’
        ‘Look, you need to calm down.’ Rachel looked around the restaurant at the other diners. They were starting to draw glances their way. ‘I don’t know what she is thinking, but if Katie were to think that was her way to get rid of the pain then we are the ones that have to keep reminding her that there are other ways.’
Susan calmed down again and took a gulp of her wine.
        ‘Yes, yes you’re absolutely right. We have to show her we are here for her, everyday. So what do you suggest?’ Rachel looked at Sue’s big brown eyes and thought how childlike and innocent she looked sometimes. Sue always needed someone to look out for her even if she didn’t realize it herself. Rachel loved this quality about her friend. She liked being considered the strong one that held them together. At least it was one part of her life that she felt in control of.   ‘I suggest each of us ring her every day. If she refuses to talk to us we will go over and stand outside her room if we have to. We will do a rota and get Kelly involved and maybe Cass and a few others. Than we will know she has somebody calling everyday, it won’t be the same person taking on the burden and possible abuse and hopefully at some point Kate will come to the realization that we love her and want her back.’
        ‘Great idea Rach. I’ll do up a spreadsheet tomorrow in work and email it to everyone’
        ‘See I knew there was a reason you were such a good P.A.’ Rachel teased.
        ‘Ha, ha, you crack me up.’ Susan responded playfully. ‘Now maybe we should eat some food before we get any more strange glances from that adorable waiter of mine.’
        ‘Amazing,’ laughed Rachel, ‘ it took all of one hour for him to go from a nobody waiter to your very own personal one who would most likely lay himself down in a puddle so you could walk over it.’
Laughing Susan answered her.
        ‘It would be the least I would expect.’
        ‘Unbelievable,’ laughed Rachel as she drank her wine.

Coming around Again - Chapter 6

CHAPTER 6

        Since Jack had called her the day before and asked for her help, Rachel had felt nervous about this moment. She had no idea Katie had been drinking as much as they now told her she was.
        ‘Why hadn’t she noticed?’ She seemed fine the last few times she had visited. Not entirely sober, but Rachel thought she was just having a few to take the edge off in the evenings.  Jack said it was usually a bottle sometimes two bottles of wine a day and sometimes a few vodkas as well. Rachel knew Kate and herself had plenty of nights out where they drank a couple of bottles of wine between them. But that was for the whole night, with a meal and partying into the small hours. Not sitting in their bedrooms by themselves. She understood why Kate was doing it though, and in her shoes she couldn’t guarantee she wouldn’t do the same. But, that was no reason to stand back and watch Kate drown her sorrow and fight her grief at the end of a bottle. Poor Jack and Rose looked so stressed and pale when Rachel had arrived at the house. It was like they had aged ten years in a matter of weeks. Rachel wasn’t sure what she could do to help and whether Kate would even listen to her at this point but seeing the desperation in their faces she knew she had to try at the very least.
        ‘Here goes,’ she thought as she knocked on Kate’s bedroom door.
        ‘Kate it’s me,’ Rachel spoke softly as she opened the door.
A curt ‘come in’ came as the reply.
        Rachel took in the scene in front of her. Kate looked disheveled and pale. Her once oval face was gaunt and her blond hair was lank and dirty. She still had all those pictures covering her bed and floor. She had her pillows propped up to lie against and her head was bent as she studied the wedding picture in her hand. Rachel decided to jump right in.
        ‘Kate pet, I’m worried about you’ she reached the side of the bed and made room to sit down.
        ‘Why?’ she didn’t look up.
        ‘Because of this,’ Rachel swept her arm out to emphasise the whole room.
        ‘This,’ Kate looked up with anger in her eyes ‘is my life Rachel. It’s my goddam life laid out in front of you. What’s so worrying about that tell me?’
The venom in Kate’s voice was palpable, but Rachel pressed on.
        ‘Kate MaGuire, this is NOT your life. These pictures are some of your memories with Dan and Alex, yes, I’ll give you that, but I have known you our entire lives and this, here and now, you sitting in this dark room with only your memories for comfort, this,’ she paused now too, sweeping her outstretched arms around the room, ‘is not you.’
        Pausing for a moment as she looked at her Kate spoke in a controlled even voice.
‘Rachel, let me be very clear about something, not you, Mum, Dad or anybody else is going to make me give them up. I refuse to. I want to be close to them and this is my way of doing it. Now, my husband and son got blown into goddamn pieces by some selfish bastards in the name of freedom so I think I have the goddamn right to do whatever I please with their pictures in my own bedroom in my own house. And if you or anybody else has a problem with that then tough. Because right now I don’t give a damn.’
        Kate resumed looking at the wedding photo in her hand as if her outburst had never occurred. Rachel let the impact of what Kate had said settle before she spoke. She couldn’t back down. She had to fight Kate on this for her own sake.
        ‘I’m not saying you should give them up Kate, I’m just asking you to take a look at what you are doing. You haven’t left your room in days except to get a drink or more cigarettes. You haven’t showered or changed clothes in over a week and I’m worried about you…’
Rachel paused for a reaction, when she got none she resumed,
        ‘I’m worried about the amount you’re drinking as well.’
Kate’s head shot up.
        ‘Me?’ she sneered, ‘you’re worried about me drinking? That’s rich coming from you Rach.’
Rachel took a moment to compose herself.
        ‘Katie, I enjoy a few drinks, we both do, but not like this. You are drinking every day.’
        ‘Have Mum and Dad been telling tales on me? Too frighten to confront me themselves so they send little miss not so goody two shoes.’
Kate’s words stung as she spat them at Rachel.
        ‘I’ll put it down to the fact that your grieving Kate, but don’t speak to me like that. I came to help you. I want you to see what you are doing to yourself. If Dan was here he would be devastated to see you like this.’
        ‘Well, he’s not here. That’s the bloody problem Rach.’
        ‘ I understand that Kate….’
        ‘…do you? Do you really understand? Because I don’t think anyone quite understands Rach. All I want is my life back. I want my boys here with me and I can’t have that so now my life consists of this,’ she threw her arms out to take in the scene in front of her.
        ‘More than you will ever know I wish things were different, but they’re not. So here I am with all that’s left of my perfect life. Just leave me alone to wallow in it because I have no plans to do anything else right now.’
        Rachel listened to Kate, feeling a rush of sympathy once again for her and realized nothing she could say right now was going to change Kate’s mind because she wasn’t ready.  She really had no idea what she was going through. Rachel placed her hand on Kate’s and was comforted by the fact Kate didn’t try to pull it away. ‘I love you and I’m here for you Kate and you’re right I can’t begin to comprehend the pain you are going through but when you’re ready the rest of your family and friends are still here, waiting for you to start living again. We will wait for as long as you want and we will keep trying to convince you that while losing Dan and Alex is horrendous you are still alive and your life must go on.’
        She leant in and kissed Kates forehead, got up from the side of the bed and silently left the room. Rachel could feel the emotional block Kate had surrounded herself with and wondered how they were ever going to be able to break it down.

***

        ‘Well?’ Jack, Rose and Jeremy were anxiously waiting in the kitchen when Rachel came downstairs.
        ‘I don’t know what to say to you all.’ Rachel felt the hopelessness of the situation surround them all.
        ‘She really isn’t ready to hear any rational thoughts or accept any advice. You are right, she is very angry, but I think if we push her too much it may send her over the edge.’
Rose placed a pot of tea on the kitchen table as they all sat down to talk.
        ‘But she has to know what she’s doing isn’t helping her?’ Rose looked lost and afraid as she spoke.
        ‘Mrs B, I don’t think she is anywhere near being able to see what she is doing to herself.’
        ‘I know, that’s why I feel she needs us to tell her.’
        ‘But, I don’t think that’s the way forward, I really don’t.’
        ‘What do you think we should do?’ Jack spoke for the first time since Rachel came into the kitchen.
        ‘To be honest with you, and I know you’re not going to like this, but, to be honest I think we need to leave her alone and let her work through the grieving process herself. We can be here for her but in the background and when she’s ready I think she will come out the other side knowing that her family and friends just want to support and love her.’
        ‘You mean you think we should just sit back and watch her destroy herself?’ Rose’s voice was raised in anger.                ‘No not at all. That’s not what I’m saying. I don’t think Kate will destroy herself. I think she will reach a really low point, which I don’t think she has reached yet, but in order for her to get better she will need to reach it and make the decision herself that she wants to live her life in the present and not the past.’
Fearfully Jack asked.
        ‘What happens if she never reaches that point?’
        ‘I think she will, but maybe not in the time frame we would like. We will have to be patient. I told you I met a grief counselor and discussed Kates situation with him. He said there are seven stages of grief, but they don’t come in any particular order and there is no timeframe around any stage or feeling.’
        ‘So he said we should just sit back and let her be?’
        ‘In the simplest terms Mrs B, yes. He also said you both should see someone as you are trying to deal with your own grief as well as Kate’s. And obviously Jeremy the same would go for you.’
Rachel looked tenderly from one to the other. ‘I think it may help you understand Kate’s behavior a little more as well if you went to speak to somebody.’
        ‘I guess you have a point.’ Jack said gently.
        ‘Yes I suppose you do.’ Rose dropped her head into her hands and cried softly.
        ‘I just wish we could help her more. I feel so useless.’
Jack reached for her hand.
        ‘Rose love, Rachel is right. Kate needs to know we are here for her whenever she is ready to start living again and I presume in the meantime we have to hold our breaths and our tongues and tread softly. You aren’t useless, don’t ever think that.’
        ‘The guards said they gave you a list of grief counselors, but I have to say I found this guy really informative, David Wellington, and he was recommended to me by a friend. Here’s his card.’
Rachel reached into her jeans pocket and placed a business card on the table.
        ‘No harm in giving him a call.’
        ‘Thanks Rachel, you really are a great friend to our Katie. Thanks so much.’ Jack stood as Rachel did and embraced her tightly.
        Jeremy kissed her cheek gently. ‘Thanks for trying love. It’s great she has you.’
        ‘She’s my closest friend, I would do anything I could to take away the pain, just like you all would. But we know that’s not possible so all I can do is what I think she would want, which is to let her know I’m here, no matter what and just hope that’s enough.’
Rose embraced Rachel as they all walked towards the front door. ‘Yes love you really are a true friend. Katie’s very lucky to have you.’
        ‘Keep an eye on her but don’t overcrowd her. Let her be and she will come around again I have no doubt.’ Rachel opened the front door as she spoke.
        ‘Take care of each other you two.’
She looked affectionately at Jack and Rose.
        ‘Katie’s very lucky to have you both as parents but she needs you to be strong and healthy for her as well. And Jeremy you know how fond Kate is of you, but so much of how you act would remind her of Dan so you need to be mindful of that.’
Rachel looked at the heartbroken faces before her. ‘Please try to stop worrying. Everything will be alright in the end.’