Coming Around Again - Chapter 5

I know I only posted Chapter 4 earlier today but I'll be a bit busy over the coming days so thought I'd put Chapter 5 up to keep things going over the weekend!

CHAPTER 5

        As the weeks past by and the September sunshine turned to October rain friends and family visits became less frequent.  Kate was content to stay locked in her room with her pictures and memories. She knew her parents were worried and her frequent outbursts did nothing to allay their fears but she had neither the energy nor the inclination to deal with their concerns. She just wanted them to understand without having to explain. 
        She adored her parents and had always loved spending time with them. As an only child she had never wanted for anything growing up and had always been surrounded with love and support. But they were looking for something she couldn’t give them right now, which was reassurance. She wanted them to find it themselves because she was saving all her energy for Dan and Alex and the memories she had of them. There was no room in her head for anything else right now. ‘Why can’t they just understand…?’ she thought.

***

        October came round and Jack and Rose had reached crisis point. They were finding it increasingly difficult to handle the constant outbursts, the drinking every day and the lack of communication. They had decided they could no longer deal with this on their own and had called Dan’s family in to help. They had tried hard to get through to Kate. But she wouldn’t talk to them. She wouldn’t tell them how she was feeling and they struggled to understand why she wouldn’t talk to somebody. It was obvious to them she needed help to cope with everything that had happened, why couldn’t she see that?  There had been a few moments in the course of the past few weeks where they allowed themselves to feel hope that she was making progress. She would appear from her room and talk about something Alex had done or Dan had said. She would be animated and laughing telling the story. Then just as quickly as she had begun speaking she would abruptly stop, take another bottle of wine or some vodka and go back upstairs. The dark cloud descending around her as she climbed each step.
        ‘We need to get help for her.’ Jack and Rose were sitting at the kitchen table with Claire, her husband Des and Jeremy.
         ‘What if we removed all the drink from the house?’
        ‘Rose, I think she’s a big enough girl now to be able to go out and buy her own alcohol if she wants. So us removing it will probably just annoy her.’
Jeremy wasn’t sure that was the answer to the problem.
        ‘I think she would get antagonized by that and may move even further away from us.’
        ‘Maybe you’re right Jeremy, but what else can we do? She won’t even listen to us when we talk of her seeing someone,’ Rose was finding it hard to keep the tears at bay.
Des interjected.
        ‘I feel it’s important to listen to what Kate is really saying during these outbursts. It’s not about you two, even though it may feel like it at the time.’
        ‘But she calls us terrible names Desmond, just awful, she screams and shouts at us and tells us she wished she’d never been born and that we are the worst parents in the world.’
Rose was now visibly upset and Jack placed his arm around her in an attempt to comfort her.
        ‘Love, Des is probably right. She needs to take her anger out on someone and we’re the closest thing she has so even though she’s saying the words, it’s not what she really means. It’s just she can’t get to what she really wants to say. Isn’t that right Des?’
        ‘That’s exactly it Jack. She can’t touch the real feelings and why she is really angry yet because it’s still too raw and so the anger has to go somewhere Rose. Honestly, I wouldn’t tell you this if I didn’t believe that’s what’s happening. What we need to do now is see how we can help you manage the situation until Kate is ready to deal constructively with it.’
        ‘I could try to talk to her again?’ Claire offered. ‘Or even Rachel could? She may feel less antagonized if it was either of us?’
Claire saw Jack and Rose pass a look between them.
        ‘Sorry you two I didn’t mean it like it came out. I mean because she isn’t seeing us all the time she might feel less inclined to take the anger out on us.’
        ‘It’s alright Claire, we know what you mean. Look at this point we are happy to try anything any of you feel will work, isn’t that right Rose?’
        ‘Yes, absolutely,’ Rose lifted her head and looked around.
        ‘Thank you all for this, Jack and I just felt it had come to the point where we weren’t able to help her anymore.’
        ‘We’re glad you called Rose. We are family and you two shouldn’t have to carry this burden on your own. That’s what it’s all about in this life.’ A deathly silence enveloped the small group as Claire’s words resonated through the room.
        ‘Oh this is all so awful.’ Rose broke down and gave into the pressure of the past few weeks. Jack held her tight and let her cry.
Claire laid her head on Des’s shoulder and he gently placed his arm around her and held her close. Jeremy busied himself putting on the kettle as he watched the tearful scenes in front of him.
        ‘How on earth did we get here?’ he thought to himself.
        ‘Why don’t we see if Rachel can get through to her Claire?’ Jeremy took the mugs from the press and placed them on the kitchen table.
‘I don’t mind, whatever you feel may work,’ Claire opened the fridge to retrieve the milk.
        ‘I just think Jack and Rose need a break from trying to get through to her.’
        ‘Yes, that’s a good idea Jeremy. I think she feels least threatened by Rachel.’
Jack was still comforting Rose and gently released her from his embrace as Jeremy placed the teapot in the middle of the table.
        ‘There’s biscuits in the press there on your left Desmond, would you put some on a plate?’ Rose said softly.
        ‘Let’s give her a call and explain what we are thinking so and see what she says?’
        ‘Great idea,’ Jeremy said to Jack as he poured the tea for everyone.

***

The following morning Kate woke early. She had slept fitfully again. Her mouth felt furry and dry.                 ‘I need water’ she thought. She reached over and took a drink from the glass beside her bed.
        ‘Oh crap,’ the taste reminded her of the night before.
        ‘That’s not water, that’s bloody straight vodka.’ She drank it anyway. ‘Better than nothing.’
Her stomach grumbled and she tried to remember the last time she ate.
        ‘Some toast yesterday evening I think,’ she tried to think back. ‘Yes, that was it, just to satisfy Mum I’m not trying to starve myself to death.’
        She reached for her packet of cigarettes. If Dan could see her now he would be so disappointed. Kate had given up thirteen years previous, when she had met Dan. He hated that she smoked and paid for her to do the Alan Carr course to quit. She hadn’t told him at the time, but willpower alone would probably have done. She was so in love with Dan she would have gladly walked  to the moon if he had asked her.
        The pictures of her life with Dan and Alex still lay all over her bed and any available floor space was covered with her memories. She had even asked friends to bring over any they had. They had all responded tremendously, not knowing what she wanted them for and too afraid to ask. It was strange, but she was surrounded by fear now. Everyone was afraid of their shadow around her. Nobody quite knew what to say to her anymore. Everyone treated her differently. She could see the pity in their eyes when they called with food hampers or sympathy cards and flowers. Those damn flowers. She had told her mum to take them away whenever they arrived. She couldn’t stand looking at them. They reminded her too much of the beautiful bouquets Dan always sent her. It had been a ‘thing’ with them from the very start after their first date in Toners in Baggott St, if you can call it a date. It was more a drunken snog after a rugby match. Dan had asked one of her friends for her address and phone number and a huge bunch of pale pink roses had arrived the next morning asking her for an ‘official’ date to see if the electricity between them had been caused by more than drunkedness whilst drowning their sorrows after Irelands defeat against England in Lansdowne Road. She remembered now how delighted she was and the excitement had reached fever pitch between her and her girlfriends by the time her date night arrived the following Friday. The attention to detail was laughable now. She was buffed, scrubbed and plucked to within an inch of her life. Her hair and makeup were flawless and her outfit had been chosen after extensive consultation between herself and her three best friends, using items from all their wardrobes.
        The memories just kept flooding back. Kate couldn’t control their flow, she didn’t want to. Because if she tried she was afraid she would forget and she certainly had no intention of doing that. She thought of that first kiss over and over. The tingling sensation she got all over her body when Dan kissed her. The first time they made love. When he proposed on bended knee in their favourite Parisian restaurant, La Precope. She remembered the night she conceived Alex. She had just known that was it after they had made love, although there was a tremendous amount of wishful thinking thrown in for good measure. Then the night Alex was born and the beautiful eternity ring Dan gifted her with in honor of the occasion. She remembered the awfulness of Dan’s cancer diagnosis and how she thought that was the worse thing that was ever going to happen to them. She remembered celebrating when he got the all clear. She remembered Alex’s first smile. His first steps in the kitchen downstairs. His first words, da da, and when he was a few months older how he loved to hug her tight and say ma ma over and over whilst nuzzling her neck.  With each memory came a fresh wave of tears. With each tear the pain in her heart grew. Every picture she looked at brought with it fresh memories and more pain but no matter what she felt Kate couldn’t tear herself away because in doing so she knew they would be gone forever.  All she wanted to do was keep them both as close as she could for as long as could. Kate heard herself laugh and stopped abruptly. She always felt guilty when she did it now.
        ‘How can I’, she thought. ‘I can’t laugh, not now. Dan and Alex can never laugh again’. Yet again the tears flowed and she did nothing to stop them. She couldn’t. She knew that at least her grandma Betty would find a positive quote for her.
        ‘Better out than in child,’ she always said. Kate thought about her grandmother now. She wondered if she was looking after Alex for her and Dan too. Particularly Alex. He would be scared without his Mum there to look out for him. That was the one blessing Kate could take from all this, that they were together, Dan and Alex. Dan had held Alex when he was born and passed him into Kate’s arms. Alex loved his Dad so much, tried to copy everything he did, from starting rugby last year to soccer and even skiing. Kate knew if heaven had a rugby field or soccer pitch Alex was playing on it and Dan was lovingly watching his son from the sidelines, proud as punch of him. Holding a picture of the three of them together she said a silent prayer. The same one she repeated every day now.
        ‘My darling Dan please look after yourself and Alex. Make sure to give him extra hugs and kisses all the time and tell him they’re from me. I miss you both so much. I love you with everything I have.’
‘And Lord if you can, please give Dan the strength to look after our son without me. Thank you.’

Coming Around Again - Chapter 4

                                                                    CHAPTER 4

                                                                                               

‘I can’t quite believe it’s two weeks since I came home.’ Kate and Rachel were sitting on Kate’s bed, the light of the autumn sun streaming in through the bay window.                
        ‘Sometimes our holiday seems like a whole other lifetime ago, kinda fuzzy nearly.’
Rachel nodded but let her go on.
        ‘You know what Rach? When I think of either of them my heart is so full of love it’s like it’s nearly going to burst but the pain is in there too all mixed up with the love. It’s like a fight in my heart to see which will win out…’ Kate’s voice trailed off as she was consumed with thoughts of Dan and Alex. For a moment neither girl said a word then Kate seemed to come back from the vacuum she tended to get lost in. She picked up a picture from the hundreds laid out on her bed.
        ‘Look, there’s you, me and Dan, Benidorm. 1990, wasn’t it?’
Rachel reached over and took hold of the picture.
        ‘Oh gosh, yes, look at those bikinis, they barely cover anything!’
        ‘What was the name of the guy you brought?’
        ‘Gerry, Gerry Smith…..oh don’t remind me.’
        ‘Hi, My name is Gerry, Gerry Smith, wonderful to meet you,’ Rachel said huskily remembering Gerry’s greeting.
        ‘He said it to everyone, even in the pubs. Remember the slagging he got from those English guys?’
        ‘Ye, I thought he was going to cry at one point,’
        ‘Ah, poor Gerry’, Kate took the picture back, ‘have you ever seen him around?’
        ‘I met his mam a few times through the years, turns out poor Gerry is not so poor anymore. Went to the states and made a fortune in construction. Owns a big house somewhere near New York . He’s even married with kids. I think a few years back he had two anyway so he probably has more now.’
        ‘Wow, you missed out on that one Rach.’ Kate smiled.
        ‘You know somehow I don’t think we would have lasted! I was always too fiery for poor Gerry wonderful to meet you Smith!’
Kate picked up another picture, this time it was one of Alex as a baby. Her face lost its’ smile as the darkness took over again. ‘He was only 6 months old here.’ She held out the picture for Rachel to take a look. Rachel felt the lump form in the back of her throat but could do nothing to stop it.
‘He really was a beautiful child Kate, just perfect.’
        ‘I know.’
She reached out and hugged Kate tightly to her as she saw the tears fall silently down her cheeks.
        ‘I miss them so much Rach, what’s going to happen to me now?’
        ‘I wish I could answer that for you Kate I really do. But there’s no point in me telling you some bullshit crap. This just stinks, it’s messed up. But I’m here for you pet, no matter what, I’ll stay over more if you want? I’ll bring more booze if that helps? I’ll even give you as many hugs as I possibly can. I know it’s not the same as having Dan or Alex here, but I’ll do my best for you.’
Kate released herself from Rachel’s arms and looked into her friends caring blue eyes.
        ‘Thank you so much for everything Rach, I love you.’
        ‘Right back at ya.’

***

        After Rachel left her, Kate lay on her bed looking at the ceiling, letting her thoughts consume her. She had gathered all the pictures she could find and they were now surrounding her. She had meant it when she thanked Rachel. She knew she was going out of her way to be there for her but sometimes what she felt was too much for her to deal with. She couldn’t bring herself to tell Rachel the truth. She knew she wasn’t coping well but she didn’t know what else to do. The panic Kate felt if she thought about moving from her room and her precious pictures was overwhelming. The grip of fear seemed to ease a little as she poured herself a glass of wine. Knowing the release it would give as she put the glass to her lips always dampened down the rising panic.
        ‘What do people do?’ she said into the silence. ‘How do they cope with this?’
Looking at a picture of Alex the day he was born, she heard the news being delivered by her dad repeated..…‘they died love’…she knew they had but she kept closing her eyes really tight in the hope that her wish that they would be back with her would come true.
         Kate was already finding it difficult to remember what it felt like to have Alex’s arms around her neck in one of their bear hugs. As she tried desperately to remember she could feel the panic rise again and found herself reaching for another glass of wine. Gulping it back she could once again calm down.
        Her days were spent like this as she tried to remember every moment they spent together. Every picture she looked at brought with it more memories and the most upsetting times was when she couldn’t recall every detail of every laugh, tear and word spoken.
‘Why hadn’t we taken more pictures?’ she thought to herself more than once.
She wanted ones of their everyday lives, not just the big occasions. What about when they sat down and ate dinner together or played football in the park? Every good morning butterfly kiss from her sleepy son was etched on her brain yet she wanted to see the physical proof.  To prove her mind wasn’t playing tricks on her, that they did really once exist, that their lives meant something. She longed to feel Dan’s hands explore her body one last time. To feel his warm, hard body entwined with hers as they made love. Every waking moment was spent recalling her life as it had been and the pictures helped her recall all of those memories. She just wanted more. Her parents pleas to put the pictures away fell on deaf ears. What possible reason would she have to let them go?  It wouldn't help her get through this and that’s all she wanted. To somehow get through this nightmare.
        Every day she found herself trying really hard not to take it out on her parents but it seemed every time she ventured downstairs her Mum tried to talk to her about getting some professional help. She wouldn’t leave it well enough alone. Kate’s frustration at the futility of it all bubbled up and exploded whenever Rose tried to talk to her about how she was feeling. Every time she had an outburst she regretted it but that didn’t make a damn bit of difference. She still screamed at them, told them to leave her alone to wallow in her sadness. She invariably ended up retreating back upstairs sooner than she anticipated just to stop herself saying anything else she would regret.
        ‘God, I hate this.’ Kate thought after yet another argument with Jack and Rose. She had gone downstairs to get some water, maybe something to eat and some fresh air but instead had run headlong into Rose floustering on the stairs.
        ‘Oh Kate dear, I was just coming to see if you would like some dinner?’
        ‘I’m fine Mum thanks.’ Kate tried to walk past Rose towards the stairs.
        ‘But it’s Bacon and Cabbage. You always loved bacon and cabbage.’
 The pleading in Rose’ voice irritated Kate.
        ‘Mum, I’m fine. I just want a sandwich. I’m not in the mood for a full dinner.’ She had made it to the stairs and was making her way down closely followed by a concerned Rose.
        ‘I’ll make you a nice sandwich so. Some of my freshly baked ham on it, little bit of mustard maybe love?’ she asked enquiringly.
        ‘Mum.’ Exasperated Kate stopped at the end of the stairs and rounded on Rose.
        ‘Listen carefully to me please ,   I…do….not….want….dinner…I…do…not…want…a…lovely…ham….sandwich.’
Hurt and feeling upset Rose looked at Kate for a moment before she spoke.
        ‘Kate, I am trying to help. I don’t expect to be treated like a fool when all I am trying to do is offer some help.’
        ‘I’m not treating you like a fool. I’m just trying to explain to you that I am capable of getting my own food. I don’t need you to keep fussing over me because it is driving me bloody crazy. So leave me alone.’
Kate stormed off and left a bereft Rose standing shocked on the bottom stair unable to move.
        Jack hadn’t heard the commotion as the radio in the kitchen drowned out any sounds. It was only when Kate stormed into the kitchen mumbling under her breath that he looked up from his paperwork and sighed. Taking off his reading glasses he looked at her.
        ‘Ah Kate, I’m glad to see you down her. Does this mean you’ll be joining us for dinner? You’re Mum has made one of your favour..…..’
Before he could finish Kate let out a scream that would silence a classroom of 15 year old boys.
        ‘…..I DON’T WANT ANY FUCKING BACON AND CABBAGE,’ before storming back out the kitchen door, sweeping past a still shocked Rose and slamming her bedroom door. They heard the lock click before silence hung around them once more.
        Jack made his way to the hall where he found Rose sitting on the bottom step and as he went to her he realized she was crying. Gathering her in his arms Rose leant her head on Jacks shoulder and wept.
Back in her room Kate was running through the scenario in her head and wished she had handled it better. But she also wished they would go away and leave her alone with her thoughts and her memories. It was all she wanted now.

Coming Around Again - Chapter 3

                                                                           Chapter 3 

Kate arrived home to Ireland the following week. She was using crutches as her broken leg still needed time to heal, but the scars on her face and head were starting to fade and the broken ribs were less painful.  It was the scars inside that had her parents worried. Dan’s parents, Jeremy and Marge, had met them at the airport.
Inevitably, so too had the media. Ninety three Irish had been killed and over one hundred injured in the blasts which rocked through Malaga Airport on 14^th August. This story was going to run for some time.  Photographers had grappled for space with her family as she arrived through the sliding doors into the arrivals hall. Jack knew that if they wanted to keep this story in the papers and make sure the Spanish authorities brought those responsible in the ECF to justice they needed to allow the pictures to be taken, the questions to be asked, but that didn’t help his Katie’s homecoming.
        The drive to the home Kate had shared with Dan and Alex seemed to go on forever. They turned down Hedgeworth Road and in front of them stood a beautiful tudor style house. Landscaped lawns framed the gravel drive. The black hall doors gloss shone brightly in the autumn sun. Kate felt the breath leave her as she opened the car door. Her heart aching, she cautiously hobbled with her crutches across the drive.
        Just then Rachel and Susan opened the front door to Kate’s home.
        ‘Oh Katie, I’m so, so sorry,’ Susan was lost for any other words as she embraced her friend tightly before gently releasing her.
Rachel leaned in and hugged her close.
        ‘Oh God Katie, it’s so good to have you home with us. I’m so sorry about Dan and Alex. It’s just so awful what happened pet.’
They couldn’t hide the tears that came no matter how hard they tried. Kate accepted the hugs and held tightly to each of her friends but as she moved from Rachel’s embrace she stood rooted to the spot for what seemed an eternity. The open front door meant Kate was starring straight into the hallway. With its circular greeting table, pinstripe wallpaper and checkered floor the memories of the years she spent with Dan building their family home came flooding back to her. She remembered weekends spent thralling shops for the perfect tiles for the floors and lazy afternoons visiting antique shops until they found the exact table they wanted. Thoughtfully framed pictures caught her eye as she scanned the room. The smiling, carefree faces of her family were staring back at her. Tears ran freely down her cheeks as the group let her take in the scene in front of her.

        Jack and Jeremy were busy discreetly requesting the awaiting media to give them some privacy. This was not a moment Jack wanted plastered all over the tabloids. They had gotten their homecoming pictures in the airport. The detectives assigned to them from the department of foreign affairs liaison section helped move them on. These guys are a godsend thought Jack as he watched John bark orders to the waiting crowd as he closed the driveway gates. They listened and started to disperse as soon as he finished speaking. Kate heard nothing but the thud of her heart heavy in her chest. She was so caught up in her own world of Dan and Alex nothing else around her was registering.
Rose came up behind her and squeezed Kate’s arm tenderly,whispering,
        ‘It’s ok my darling we’re here, we’re all here to help you.’
Kate’s steps faltered and Rose put a protective arm on her lower back.
        ‘You can do this Kate, one step at a time, why don’t we go in and make a cup of tea?’
Marge nodded in agreement and made her way to the kitchen, she wanted to feel useful and for the life of her couldn’t understand why Kate insisted on coming straight back to the house. She should have let Jack and Rose take her home for a few weeks she thought. Jeremy was still standing out by the cars in the drive talking to Jack and those detectives. She had only met them briefly when they had given her their condolences.
         ‘Now, what did Jeremy say their names were?’ she thought. ‘Oh Yes Patrick and John, good strong names. Fine big boys they were too. You would feel safe if they were looking after you,’ thought Marge. Rachel brought Marge out of her revere.
        ‘Marge I’ve the sandwiches made would you help us with teas and coffees?’
Kate’s friends had thought of everything Marge noticed. There were enough rounds of sandwiches to feed an army and even a gateaux lemon cake.
        Kate had made it as far as the hallway.
        ‘Come on love,’ Rose was pleading now, ‘you need to rest that leg of yours. Marge has the kettle on, and Rachel and Susan made some lunch. Let’s go into the kitchen.’
Jack and Jeremy arrived into the hall in time to hear Kate respond.
        ‘Mum, please, just leave me here. I need to take it in. I can still smell them here, I can feel them. I need to be able to feel them. All that time in the hospital I had nothing but my thoughts now I’m here, I’m home. I’m back with Dan and Alex and I want to’, she paused, ‘no that’s wrong, I need to breath them in.’
        Jack took Rose by the arm and led her into the kitchen, Jeremy followed in silence planting a kiss on Kate’s forehead as he passed and squeezing her arm to let her know he understood. She took a deep breath trying to fill her lungs with the air that her family once breathed. She tried to fill her body with their scent, their essence that she could feel all around her. And then the tears came again as they had done so easily over the past week. Since she had woken from her coma every moment was spent either trying hard not to cry or letting the flood gates open and weeping for all she was worth. As she stood in her hallway Kate felt the heartache as a huge weight bearing down on her. The heaviness which had gripped her when she had first heard they were dead seemed to settle into her now. It got more solid and took hold of her whole body.
Rose peered her head around the corner and watched Kate leaning on her crutches, tears streaming down her face. The churning at the pit of her stomach made Kate retch and she hobbled to the downstairs bathroom.
        ‘I have to go to her Jack.’
        ‘No Rose, leave her. You heard what she said, let her be, she’ll come to us when she’s ready.’
Back in the kitchen everyone was trying to busy themselves with some task or other.
        ‘I know I’ve asked this before, but is there no way she will agree to live with you both for a while?’ Marge enquired.
        ‘Damn it Marge, leave it alone woman. You’ve been told already, that’s not what Kate wants to do. She lost her husband and her child, not her mind. She is capable of making her own decisions,’ Jeremy fumed.
In a slow, steady voice Marge replied.
        ‘And I lost my son and grandson Jeremy, I know how awful it feels, I just thought…’
        ‘….Alright folks, let’s keep our heads. This is difficult for us all, but Jeremy’s right. This is Kate’s decision and all we can do is to be here for her. On that point though Marge, we decided that Rose and I are going to stay here for a couple of weeks so that should at least help her out and make things feel less lonely for a while.’
        Susan and Rachel busied themselves with preparing the tea and coffee as they listened to the exchange between the two sets of parents. Neither woman could begin to comprehend the pain they were suffering.
        Although she was trying hard, Rose couldn’t leave it any longer. Jack nodded he understood as she got up from the table and went into the hall as the girls poured the tea. She wrapped on the bathroom door,
        ‘Kate darling, it’s Mum. Are you okay?’
There was a short pause before she heard the bathroom lock click open and Kate stood leaning against the post, her crutches lay on the floor, her face was raw from crying bitter tears and her eyes tired and empty. Kate hugged her mother to her and buried her head into her shoulder.
        ‘I don’t think I’ll ever be alright again Mum,’ she sobbed.
        ‘You will love, you will.’ Rose rubbed Kates back and not for the first time since this nightmare began she wished with all her heart that she could take away Kate’s pain and take it on herself. The doorbell ringing brought them back to the present and Jack passed them to open it. Claire, Dan’s sister stood on the doorstep looking drawn and upset. She hugged Jack tightly to her. Catching sight of Kate and Rose by the bathroom door she released her grip and making her way to her sister in laws side she silently held her. Jack and Rose returned to the kitchen while the women embraced and fresh tears formed for Kate. Claire tried her best to sooth Kate’s anguish.           
        ‘Sssh, you’ll be ok Katie I promise, ssh, there there.’
Claire stroked Kate’s hair all the while wondering how in God’s name would any of them ever be ok again?
        ‘Oh Cass, I miss them so much, I just want them back.’ she sobbed.
        ‘I know sweetheart, I know, me too.’ she cried in response.
Marge arrived from the kitchen and hugged her daughter to her. Claire noticed the strain on her mother’s face and couldn’t help worrying. She knew how this had devastated her parents but she wasn’t sure how well they were handling it. Her Dad seemed to be fighting constantly with her Mum and Claire knew her Mother wasn’t able for the confrontation. The day she heard about Dan and Alex a light had been extinguished behind her eyes and that fire which was peppered through everything Marge did in her life had disappeared. Claire knew her mother could be a handful at times and god knows they had their run in’s when Marge had tried once too often to control Claire’s life for her. But she was her Mum, she loved her and behind it all Claire knew Marge was only doing what she thought was the best for her children and family.
        ‘Sorry I wasn’t here earlier. Harry is really acting out at the moment. He misses Alex and Dan so much but he won’t talk to either of us. He just keeps getting into trouble. The school are trying to be sympathic but I know they are losing patience. He is only back two weeks and already he has been sent home four times.’
Marge wondered why Claire would even bring up Harry at this point.
        ‘Let’s go back inside to the others,’ she urged Claire.
        ‘Yes, yes of course, sorry about that,’ she said, realizing from the look her Mum passed to her how hearing about Harry may not be what Kate wanted right now. Alex and Harry were the same age and loved playing together. 
        ‘It’s alright Claire. I want to hear about Harry, it feels as if Alex is closer to me when you talk about him. They had such fun times together. I’m so glad you moved back from New York when you did at least this way Harry got to know Alex before…….before…..,’
Kate broke down and once again the flood gates opened.  
        ‘Hey it’s ok,’ soothed Claire as she tenderly rubbed Kate’s back before pulling her into a tight embrace. Marge felt redundant and moved back into the kitchen to join the others.
        ‘Cass, how do I live without them?’ it was a barely audible whisper and Claire held Kate’s face gently in her two hands and whispered back.
         ‘I don’t know yet, but however it is we are all here to help you find the way.’
Kate exhaled and placed her head back on Claire’s shoulder.

***

 Later that evening the girls were sitting around Kate’s dining room table.
        ‘One of the funniest times I remember was that Halloween party in Tracy’s flat in Ranelagh,’
Kate smiled as Rachel continued.
        ‘You and Dan had dressed as Sonny and Cher, you looked more like a pimp and his prostitute!’
        ‘Oh gosh yeh, I remember that party,’ Claire laughed,
        ‘Dan was wearing that huge white floppy hat and that brown bell bottom suit.  He really got a kick out of that.’
        ‘Yes, yes, we had such a great night, we made pitchers of cocktails, god I don’t know what we put in them, but I remember thinking it was every spirit Tracy had in her flat.’  
Kate looked around the table at her friends and said a little prayer of gratitude that they were there with her.
        ‘Do you girls need more wine in here?’ Rose interrupted their reminiscing. 
        ‘No, I’m fine Mrs B, I’ve to drive home at some point,’ Rachel drained her glass.
        ‘Why don’t you stay?’
         ‘Wouldn’t be the first time that’s happened after one too many I suppose!’
        ‘Susan, how would you be fixed to grab a cab home if I stayed?’ Rachel enquired.
         ‘No prob, sure that’s a grand plan. I guess it’s another bottle of sauvignon blanc for the girls then Mrs B, thanks.’
        ‘I’ll get it,’ said Claire, standing up to go into the kitchen.
        ‘Will you sit where you are child, sure I feel useful this way. Would you like a snack with that? I could rustle up some crackers and cheese if you fancied it?’
        ‘I’m grand Mam, but the girls might like something.’ Kate replied.
        ‘I’m fine,’ Susan answered.
        ‘Me too,’ Rachel piped up.
        ‘Nothing for me thanks,’ Claire sat back down and finished the last of her wine.
As she arrived back into the kitchen Jack looked up from his place at the table. Rose opened the fridge to retrieve another chilled bottle of wine.
        ‘It’s good that she’s home. I think it’s better that she can talk to her girlfriends properly now         instead of from a hospital bed.’
Jack rose from the kitchen table and gently placed his arm on Roses’ hand.
        ‘Why don’t you let me do that love, you look exhausted. It’s been an emotional day.’
Looking at Jack Rose smiled up at him.
        ‘Thank you love. You know, I think you’re right. I do feel very tired.’
        ‘Why don’t you go into the lounge I’ll bring the wine into the girls and follow you in with some tea?’
Rose smiled and handed him the bottle of wine. ‘Thanks love that would be great.’
        ‘I would certainly be lost without him’ she thought to herself.  ‘Poor Katie, it’s these moments that can never be replaced when you have lost someone.’ Rose felt the weight of her daughters pain return once more.