CHAPTER 11
The following week Kate was at home when Tim and Christine arrived with a scrumptious Christmas hamper. It was full to the brim with all thewonderful foods and drink that under normal circumstances would have Kate salivating at the very sight of it. They had tried calling her all week and as she refused to talk for longer than a minute on the phone, if she picked up at all, they had decided to call unannounced. After the initial annoyance she felt at seeing them standing on her front porch she had invited them in. She figured the sooner she did that the sooner she could get shot of them. Now they were babbling on to her about all their mutual friends and trying desperately to get Kate to join them for the annual Christmas Eve partners dinner.
‘It won’t be the same without you, you know that. Won’t you change your mind?’
‘Christine, it really is sweet of you both to think of me but I don’t think I can.’
‘You may feel a little better after a night out with everyone. We really would like you to come Kate. It’s our turn this year to host the dinner. ’
‘Thanks Tim. But I wouldn’t be much fun.’
‘We’re not looking for you to be fun Kate, honestly, why change a habit of a lifetime!’ Tim ribbed. But he didn’t get the reaction he hoped from Kate.
‘You know Tim I don’t have a lot to have fun about right now. You try losing your whole life in one lousy fucked up minute and see how you handle it. I bet you wouldn’t be having too much fun either.’
‘Oh Kate, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean..’
‘..You didn’t mean what by it Tim?’ shouted Kate.
He reached out to touch her arm,
‘I didn’t mean…..’ he stumbled over his words as she pulled it away forcefully.
Christine tried to sooth her.
‘Kate, Tim didn’t mean anything by it.’
‘Really Christine? It’s all very good for you two to lecture me but you still have each other and Lucy and Matthew are healthy happy carefree kids. I’ve been left with nothing….’
Christine opened her mouth to speak,
‘…… no let me finish. How do you think it feels to walk in my front door every single night and be met with silence where there once was laughter and happiness. Where do you think I should find the fun in that do you suppose? What about celebrating birthdays. You two still get to wish Lucy and Matthew happy birthday. You get to buy them a present and kiss their tiny happy faces. You get to tuck them in at night and hug their sleepy little bodies when they wake in the mornings. And what do you suppose Christmas morning is going to be like for me here. Santa Clause won’t be coming down my chimney. So don’t ever try to tell me how to have fun when you have everything and I have nothing. Now if you don’t mind I really would like to be left alone.’ Kate turned her back on her friends as she felt the tears pool at the side of her eyes.
‘Oh God love.’ Christine reached out to her and this time Kate didn’t pull away. Instead she turned and accepted Christine’s hug and wept on her shoulder. Christine held her tight and then as she felt Kate’s tears subside she held her out and looked into her sad eyes.
‘Kate, we didn’t come here to upset you. We came here to say we miss you. We miss Dan and Alex every day too. But you’re still here and we miss having you in our lives. We want you to be able to feel like you can shout and scream at us without feeling you have to apologise. Tim and I find ourselves doing it quite a lot lately.’ She paused as Kate looked at her and mirrored her small grin.
‘Honestly Kate. We want you to be able to talk about them both with us and the rest of the gang. We find it’s the only way we are getting through this. It might just help you too.’
Tim placed his joined hands on his knees as he reached forward on the couch.
‘Kate, I made a promise to Dan the day of the memorial and I mean to keep that promise. I told him we would look after you. But you have to let us do that.’
She looked over at him while Christine released her from her arms.
‘I appreciate that Tim. But I can’t go to that dinner. I just can’t. Please try and understand?’
‘We do, we do. And it was probably insensitive of us to expect you too. I’m sorry.’
‘Yes, I am aswell. I just thought it may help in some way to be surrounded by people who love you Kate.’
‘No, Christine. You’re probably right. Don’t apologise. But I know I’m not up for it this year. Maybe next year?’ Kate said hopefully.
‘Absolutley, absolutely,’ said Tim standing to go. ‘Kate you know where we are if you need us. The invitation stands to join us whenever you want. No need to stand on ceremony. We’re you’re friends and we miss having you around.’
‘Thanks Tim. I’ll remember that. When I feel a little stronger I’ll certainly take you up on the offer. And thanks so much for the beautiful basket of goodies.’
Christine leaned in to hug her again.
‘Our pleasure, and remember, we mean it. Any time, day or night. We can come pick you up, we can just hang out at ours or bring you out. Anything you want.’
‘Thanks,’ Kate started walking towards the lounge door. ‘I mean it, thanks you two. Will you pass on my regards to the others and wish them a Happy Christmas for me. Give Matthew and Lucy a big hug for me and tell them Aunty Kate will see them real soon.’ The tears started to form again for Kate but she wiped them away. She wanted to get Tim and Christine out the door as fast as possible so she could be alone.
‘Bye Kate.’ Tim took her in a bear hug and kissed her cheek lightly. ‘Look after yourself.’
‘Thanks Tim, I will.’
They had made it to the hall door and she opened the latch. The cold night air made her shiver.
‘I’m sorry for the outburst.’
‘Don’t apologize. As I said we were being insensitive. Take care Kate.’ Tim ushered Christine ahead of him out the door and Kate stood shivering as she watched them drive off into the night. When her teeth started to chatter she realized she was still standing there fifteen minutes later. The car lights had long since disappeared on their journey and out of sight. Slowly she closed the door to the outside world and leant against it. She pushed it with her hands until she heard the click of the lock. Looking around her hallway she walked from picture to picture all the while shaking her head as the memories enveloped her. The sadness of her loss was her blanket as she once again felt the weight of it around her.
‘It won’t be the same without you, you know that. Won’t you change your mind?’
‘Christine, it really is sweet of you both to think of me but I don’t think I can.’
‘You may feel a little better after a night out with everyone. We really would like you to come Kate. It’s our turn this year to host the dinner. ’
‘Thanks Tim. But I wouldn’t be much fun.’
‘We’re not looking for you to be fun Kate, honestly, why change a habit of a lifetime!’ Tim ribbed. But he didn’t get the reaction he hoped from Kate.
‘You know Tim I don’t have a lot to have fun about right now. You try losing your whole life in one lousy fucked up minute and see how you handle it. I bet you wouldn’t be having too much fun either.’
‘Oh Kate, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean..’
‘..You didn’t mean what by it Tim?’ shouted Kate.
He reached out to touch her arm,
‘I didn’t mean…..’ he stumbled over his words as she pulled it away forcefully.
Christine tried to sooth her.
‘Kate, Tim didn’t mean anything by it.’
‘Really Christine? It’s all very good for you two to lecture me but you still have each other and Lucy and Matthew are healthy happy carefree kids. I’ve been left with nothing….’
Christine opened her mouth to speak,
‘…… no let me finish. How do you think it feels to walk in my front door every single night and be met with silence where there once was laughter and happiness. Where do you think I should find the fun in that do you suppose? What about celebrating birthdays. You two still get to wish Lucy and Matthew happy birthday. You get to buy them a present and kiss their tiny happy faces. You get to tuck them in at night and hug their sleepy little bodies when they wake in the mornings. And what do you suppose Christmas morning is going to be like for me here. Santa Clause won’t be coming down my chimney. So don’t ever try to tell me how to have fun when you have everything and I have nothing. Now if you don’t mind I really would like to be left alone.’ Kate turned her back on her friends as she felt the tears pool at the side of her eyes.
‘Oh God love.’ Christine reached out to her and this time Kate didn’t pull away. Instead she turned and accepted Christine’s hug and wept on her shoulder. Christine held her tight and then as she felt Kate’s tears subside she held her out and looked into her sad eyes.
‘Kate, we didn’t come here to upset you. We came here to say we miss you. We miss Dan and Alex every day too. But you’re still here and we miss having you in our lives. We want you to be able to feel like you can shout and scream at us without feeling you have to apologise. Tim and I find ourselves doing it quite a lot lately.’ She paused as Kate looked at her and mirrored her small grin.
‘Honestly Kate. We want you to be able to talk about them both with us and the rest of the gang. We find it’s the only way we are getting through this. It might just help you too.’
Tim placed his joined hands on his knees as he reached forward on the couch.
‘Kate, I made a promise to Dan the day of the memorial and I mean to keep that promise. I told him we would look after you. But you have to let us do that.’
She looked over at him while Christine released her from her arms.
‘I appreciate that Tim. But I can’t go to that dinner. I just can’t. Please try and understand?’
‘We do, we do. And it was probably insensitive of us to expect you too. I’m sorry.’
‘Yes, I am aswell. I just thought it may help in some way to be surrounded by people who love you Kate.’
‘No, Christine. You’re probably right. Don’t apologise. But I know I’m not up for it this year. Maybe next year?’ Kate said hopefully.
‘Absolutley, absolutely,’ said Tim standing to go. ‘Kate you know where we are if you need us. The invitation stands to join us whenever you want. No need to stand on ceremony. We’re you’re friends and we miss having you around.’
‘Thanks Tim. I’ll remember that. When I feel a little stronger I’ll certainly take you up on the offer. And thanks so much for the beautiful basket of goodies.’
Christine leaned in to hug her again.
‘Our pleasure, and remember, we mean it. Any time, day or night. We can come pick you up, we can just hang out at ours or bring you out. Anything you want.’
‘Thanks,’ Kate started walking towards the lounge door. ‘I mean it, thanks you two. Will you pass on my regards to the others and wish them a Happy Christmas for me. Give Matthew and Lucy a big hug for me and tell them Aunty Kate will see them real soon.’ The tears started to form again for Kate but she wiped them away. She wanted to get Tim and Christine out the door as fast as possible so she could be alone.
‘Bye Kate.’ Tim took her in a bear hug and kissed her cheek lightly. ‘Look after yourself.’
‘Thanks Tim, I will.’
They had made it to the hall door and she opened the latch. The cold night air made her shiver.
‘I’m sorry for the outburst.’
‘Don’t apologize. As I said we were being insensitive. Take care Kate.’ Tim ushered Christine ahead of him out the door and Kate stood shivering as she watched them drive off into the night. When her teeth started to chatter she realized she was still standing there fifteen minutes later. The car lights had long since disappeared on their journey and out of sight. Slowly she closed the door to the outside world and leant against it. She pushed it with her hands until she heard the click of the lock. Looking around her hallway she walked from picture to picture all the while shaking her head as the memories enveloped her. The sadness of her loss was her blanket as she once again felt the weight of it around her.
***
‘Probably not the best move we’ve ever made.’ Tim touched Christine’s hand as he reached for the gears to reverse out of Kate’s driveway.
‘Honestly Tim I didn’t think she would react like that. Before we went there I thought it was by far the best line of action to take. I thought she would have been grateful to get out of the house and away from all the reminders for a while. But when she started talking about Lucy and Matthew I swear I stopped breathing for a moment. I don’t know how she has even managed to survive this far. If I lost any of you I wouldn’t be able to cope.’
Time stole a brief look at his wife and said affectionately,
‘Me neither love. I have to say she’s one hell of a woman to be able to cope the way she is.’
‘Do you really think she is coping? What has Jeremy or Marge said?’
‘Well Jeremy said they feel she’s drinking too much but I’m not sure what they think too much is. You know yourself Marge thinks you’re an alco’ if you have a glass of wine with dinner every night. Ah, I’d say all things taken into account and putting ourselves in Kate’s shoes she’s doing fairly well. We just didn’t really think that one through.’
‘Look there’s no point in beating ourselves up. We thought we were doing the right thing by inviting her. The fact that we haven’t been in touch much since the memorial probably leaves us at a slight disadvantage to know what’s happening with her. That’s what I feel guilty about.’
‘Honey let’s not feel guilty.’Tim rubbed Christine’s leg gently. ‘Let’s put it down to bad judgement and endeavour to give Kate more support, after we figure out what support she needs.’
‘Yes you’re right. I need to try and get her to join myself and the girls more. Maybe she would be up for a Christmas lunch instead of the whole Partners dinner?’
‘Lovely idea Chrissy. Maybe give her a day or two and you could visit her yourself, bring a peace offering and ask her then.’
‘That’s exactly what I’ll do. Maybe I should talk to Jack or Rose first just to be sure?’
‘That’s my girl. Chrissy the peacemaker. I knew I married you for a reason.’ Tim smiled as Christine planted a kiss on his lips.
‘Honestly Tim I didn’t think she would react like that. Before we went there I thought it was by far the best line of action to take. I thought she would have been grateful to get out of the house and away from all the reminders for a while. But when she started talking about Lucy and Matthew I swear I stopped breathing for a moment. I don’t know how she has even managed to survive this far. If I lost any of you I wouldn’t be able to cope.’
Time stole a brief look at his wife and said affectionately,
‘Me neither love. I have to say she’s one hell of a woman to be able to cope the way she is.’
‘Do you really think she is coping? What has Jeremy or Marge said?’
‘Well Jeremy said they feel she’s drinking too much but I’m not sure what they think too much is. You know yourself Marge thinks you’re an alco’ if you have a glass of wine with dinner every night. Ah, I’d say all things taken into account and putting ourselves in Kate’s shoes she’s doing fairly well. We just didn’t really think that one through.’
‘Look there’s no point in beating ourselves up. We thought we were doing the right thing by inviting her. The fact that we haven’t been in touch much since the memorial probably leaves us at a slight disadvantage to know what’s happening with her. That’s what I feel guilty about.’
‘Honey let’s not feel guilty.’Tim rubbed Christine’s leg gently. ‘Let’s put it down to bad judgement and endeavour to give Kate more support, after we figure out what support she needs.’
‘Yes you’re right. I need to try and get her to join myself and the girls more. Maybe she would be up for a Christmas lunch instead of the whole Partners dinner?’
‘Lovely idea Chrissy. Maybe give her a day or two and you could visit her yourself, bring a peace offering and ask her then.’
‘That’s exactly what I’ll do. Maybe I should talk to Jack or Rose first just to be sure?’
‘That’s my girl. Chrissy the peacemaker. I knew I married you for a reason.’ Tim smiled as Christine planted a kiss on his lips.
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