Chapter 13 - Christmas Eve 2011
Kate couldn’t sleep. She had taken to her bed early in the hope she could sleep away the heartache she was feeling. She was finding it particularly difficult today. Since her dinner with her Dad she had really tried for his sake at least to show an interest in what was happening in the investigation and the ‘Campaign For Justice’. But as the weeks moved on and Christmas approached she had felt the dark cloud descend lower and lower around her till it consumed her again. She had spent most of those weeks walking through the city feeling lost and alone, longingly starring at happy families buying their gifts amongst stores filled with Christmas decorations. She had always loved this time of year. It felt magical to her, like anything was possible. Even when people complained about hearing Christmas songs everywhere they went Kate was the one who couldn’t get enough of them. It drove Dan mad that once it turned December 1st the Christmas CD’s would come out and Kate would happily sing and dance around the kitchen to each and every one. She even had Alex in on it much to Dan’s amusement. She used to love hearing Slade doing ‘Merry Christmas Everyone’ or Elvis singing ‘White Christmas’. Now, it felt like all those Christmas songs were mocking her. When she heard Chris Rea singing ‘Home for Christmas’ it managed to make her cry on the spot with no consideration for where she was or what she was doing.
Rachel had called around earlier. She knew Kate had refused to go to the partner’s dinner and she was still trying to get her to come away with the gang for New Years in Donegal.
To add to it she was now suggesting a get together on Stephens Day which Kate knew she had no interest in. She couldn’t think of anything worse at the moment. Being around happy couples regaling each other with stories of how thoughtful and romantic they were was not high on her priority list. She knew Rachel and her friends meant well, but did they really think it would help her or them for that matter? They didn’t need her moping around on Stephens Day spoiling their few precious days off work. And how miserable would their New Years be if she was there with them in a house in the middle of nowhere crying for Dan and Alex and wishing they were there. Everyone would be on tender hooks watching what they said. They would all be anxious not to say anything to hurt or offend her and everyone would end up having a miserable time. No, it was best that she stayed at home where she felt a semblance of safety and at least she felt closer to Dan and Alex than when she was anywhere else.
Kate had bought her parents and Dan’s parent’s gifts only two days before. Dan’s sister Claire had come by the previous week and shared a bottle of wine with her and they had exchanged gifts then. Kate hadn’t seen Claire’s two children since the memorial service. She knew Claire understood why. Harry was the same age as Alex, having been born only one week after him. Although Claire hadn’t lived in Ireland at the time her husband’s diplomatic job had brought them back in time for the boys first birthday which they had celebrated together. Alex and Harry were thick as thieves and had loved spending time together. When the boys turned four Claire and Desmond had moved again, this time to New York and had only returned home a few months before Alex and Dan were killed. Seeing Harry again only set as a reminder to Kate what she was missing with her own son. The wound was too raw but Claire was just as kind and considerate as Dan ever was. She made sure Kate knew that she understood completely and if the shoe was on the other foot she would do exactly the same thing.
When she had some quite time Kate had taken to talking to Dan & Alex over the last few weeks and tonight, being Christmas Eve, was no exception.
‘I’m unsure what to say to you two tonight’.
She was lying in bed with her eyes wide open in the darkness.
‘I’m fed up telling you I wish you were here. I keep hoping that I’ll wake up one morning and that second just before I realize you’re gone would keep on going. I want that feeling to last forever. But it doesn’t and the moment I realize that I’m living this nightmare all the pain rushes into me and I feel it in every corner of my bloody body. People keep telling me the pain will ease but they don’t know anything. If they did they wouldn’t say that. Each day is just getting harder. What the hell am I meant to do without you two here to celebrate Christmas with me? What have I got to celebrate?’ she tried to hold back the tears.
‘I keep remembering last year and how happy we were Dan. Do you remember? You and I had gone shopping in New York and visited Claire and Desmond and I think we bought everything on Alex’s wish list. Then we spent days decorating the house as usual before having that great meal on Christmas Eve for all our friends. The partners in Cabott, Maguire and Henry were suitably impressed. And do you remember after the party? Alex darling close your ears, this one is just for your Dad. Do you remember the dining room table? I certainly haven’t forgotten that, you were insatiable,’ she grinned through the tears that had started to fall as the memories consumed her.
Kate took a deep breath.
‘I love all our memories because it reminds me that I was once so very happy. But now that Christmas is here and I know you won’t ever be coming home again I have a confession. I don’t want tomorrow to come, I wish I could close my eyes and be with you and then there would be no more pain for me.’
She was weeping now. The tears sliding down the side of her face soaking into her hair and pillow.
‘Dan, Your Mum & Dad are coming tomorrow for dinner along with my parents’ she sniffled. They insisted on having us all together and I couldn’t contemplate being anywhere other than here. Marge and Mum are doing the cooking. I’m sure they’ll tell me what jobs they want me to do. ‘Your Dad isn’t handling things too well. Your Mum and him seem to be constantly picking holes in each other. And it’s not like before, when your Mum would be moaning at your Dad. He’s very angry and isn’t afraid to give it back to Marge. I think she’s a bit shocked that he’s standing up to her. He misses you so much he can hardly say your name without breaking down.’
‘Alex, Harry & Louise and of course your grandparents send their love and wish you Merry Christmas,’ she paused. ‘Now I have something for you both. I bought you guys a present.’
She took a deep breath sat up in the bed and wiped the tears. Turning on the bedside light Kate took hold of the now framed picture of the three of them she kept on the locker.
‘I kept thinking what I could get you and nothing seemed appropriate. Then I found the perfect gift.’
Kate looked at Dan and Alex’s familiar faces.
‘I got you both a star’ she looked from one to the other smiling up at her from the picture in her hands. ‘I know you will laugh at me, I can picture you doing it. I can see the devilment in your eyes..…’
She choked back the tears,
‘I hope you like them, they’re named after you.’
‘Dan, just so you know, you bought me a ring darling. It goes beautifully with the eternity ring you bought me when we had Alex. I wrapped it and placed it under the tree. I’ll open it tomorrow if that’s ok?’
She asked the question, knowing no answer would ever come. Kate sat for a long time staring at the beautiful faces of her boys. Drinking them in. Afraid she would forget what they looked like. ‘I’m going to try and sleep now boys. You two look after each other and I’ll do my best on this end. Remember I love you with everything I have and would give the world to be able to kiss you both now and hold you tight’.
‘Merry Christmas Dan, Merry Christmas Alex.’
The silence enveloped her as Kate wrapped her arms tightly around herself, rocked back and forth, and cried bitterly.
Rachel had called around earlier. She knew Kate had refused to go to the partner’s dinner and she was still trying to get her to come away with the gang for New Years in Donegal.
To add to it she was now suggesting a get together on Stephens Day which Kate knew she had no interest in. She couldn’t think of anything worse at the moment. Being around happy couples regaling each other with stories of how thoughtful and romantic they were was not high on her priority list. She knew Rachel and her friends meant well, but did they really think it would help her or them for that matter? They didn’t need her moping around on Stephens Day spoiling their few precious days off work. And how miserable would their New Years be if she was there with them in a house in the middle of nowhere crying for Dan and Alex and wishing they were there. Everyone would be on tender hooks watching what they said. They would all be anxious not to say anything to hurt or offend her and everyone would end up having a miserable time. No, it was best that she stayed at home where she felt a semblance of safety and at least she felt closer to Dan and Alex than when she was anywhere else.
Kate had bought her parents and Dan’s parent’s gifts only two days before. Dan’s sister Claire had come by the previous week and shared a bottle of wine with her and they had exchanged gifts then. Kate hadn’t seen Claire’s two children since the memorial service. She knew Claire understood why. Harry was the same age as Alex, having been born only one week after him. Although Claire hadn’t lived in Ireland at the time her husband’s diplomatic job had brought them back in time for the boys first birthday which they had celebrated together. Alex and Harry were thick as thieves and had loved spending time together. When the boys turned four Claire and Desmond had moved again, this time to New York and had only returned home a few months before Alex and Dan were killed. Seeing Harry again only set as a reminder to Kate what she was missing with her own son. The wound was too raw but Claire was just as kind and considerate as Dan ever was. She made sure Kate knew that she understood completely and if the shoe was on the other foot she would do exactly the same thing.
When she had some quite time Kate had taken to talking to Dan & Alex over the last few weeks and tonight, being Christmas Eve, was no exception.
‘I’m unsure what to say to you two tonight’.
She was lying in bed with her eyes wide open in the darkness.
‘I’m fed up telling you I wish you were here. I keep hoping that I’ll wake up one morning and that second just before I realize you’re gone would keep on going. I want that feeling to last forever. But it doesn’t and the moment I realize that I’m living this nightmare all the pain rushes into me and I feel it in every corner of my bloody body. People keep telling me the pain will ease but they don’t know anything. If they did they wouldn’t say that. Each day is just getting harder. What the hell am I meant to do without you two here to celebrate Christmas with me? What have I got to celebrate?’ she tried to hold back the tears.
‘I keep remembering last year and how happy we were Dan. Do you remember? You and I had gone shopping in New York and visited Claire and Desmond and I think we bought everything on Alex’s wish list. Then we spent days decorating the house as usual before having that great meal on Christmas Eve for all our friends. The partners in Cabott, Maguire and Henry were suitably impressed. And do you remember after the party? Alex darling close your ears, this one is just for your Dad. Do you remember the dining room table? I certainly haven’t forgotten that, you were insatiable,’ she grinned through the tears that had started to fall as the memories consumed her.
Kate took a deep breath.
‘I love all our memories because it reminds me that I was once so very happy. But now that Christmas is here and I know you won’t ever be coming home again I have a confession. I don’t want tomorrow to come, I wish I could close my eyes and be with you and then there would be no more pain for me.’
She was weeping now. The tears sliding down the side of her face soaking into her hair and pillow.
‘Dan, Your Mum & Dad are coming tomorrow for dinner along with my parents’ she sniffled. They insisted on having us all together and I couldn’t contemplate being anywhere other than here. Marge and Mum are doing the cooking. I’m sure they’ll tell me what jobs they want me to do. ‘Your Dad isn’t handling things too well. Your Mum and him seem to be constantly picking holes in each other. And it’s not like before, when your Mum would be moaning at your Dad. He’s very angry and isn’t afraid to give it back to Marge. I think she’s a bit shocked that he’s standing up to her. He misses you so much he can hardly say your name without breaking down.’
‘Alex, Harry & Louise and of course your grandparents send their love and wish you Merry Christmas,’ she paused. ‘Now I have something for you both. I bought you guys a present.’
She took a deep breath sat up in the bed and wiped the tears. Turning on the bedside light Kate took hold of the now framed picture of the three of them she kept on the locker.
‘I kept thinking what I could get you and nothing seemed appropriate. Then I found the perfect gift.’
Kate looked at Dan and Alex’s familiar faces.
‘I got you both a star’ she looked from one to the other smiling up at her from the picture in her hands. ‘I know you will laugh at me, I can picture you doing it. I can see the devilment in your eyes..…’
She choked back the tears,
‘I hope you like them, they’re named after you.’
‘Dan, just so you know, you bought me a ring darling. It goes beautifully with the eternity ring you bought me when we had Alex. I wrapped it and placed it under the tree. I’ll open it tomorrow if that’s ok?’
She asked the question, knowing no answer would ever come. Kate sat for a long time staring at the beautiful faces of her boys. Drinking them in. Afraid she would forget what they looked like. ‘I’m going to try and sleep now boys. You two look after each other and I’ll do my best on this end. Remember I love you with everything I have and would give the world to be able to kiss you both now and hold you tight’.
‘Merry Christmas Dan, Merry Christmas Alex.’
The silence enveloped her as Kate wrapped her arms tightly around herself, rocked back and forth, and cried bitterly.