CHAPTER 6
Since Jack had called her the day before and asked for her help, Rachel had felt nervous about this moment. She had no idea Katie had been drinking as much as they now told her she was.
‘Why hadn’t she noticed?’ She seemed fine the last few times she had visited. Not entirely sober, but Rachel thought she was just having a few to take the edge off in the evenings. Jack said it was usually a bottle sometimes two bottles of wine a day and sometimes a few vodkas as well. Rachel knew Kate and herself had plenty of nights out where they drank a couple of bottles of wine between them. But that was for the whole night, with a meal and partying into the small hours. Not sitting in their bedrooms by themselves. She understood why Kate was doing it though, and in her shoes she couldn’t guarantee she wouldn’t do the same. But, that was no reason to stand back and watch Kate drown her sorrow and fight her grief at the end of a bottle. Poor Jack and Rose looked so stressed and pale when Rachel had arrived at the house. It was like they had aged ten years in a matter of weeks. Rachel wasn’t sure what she could do to help and whether Kate would even listen to her at this point but seeing the desperation in their faces she knew she had to try at the very least.
‘Here goes,’ she thought as she knocked on Kate’s bedroom door.
‘Kate it’s me,’ Rachel spoke softly as she opened the door.
A curt ‘come in’ came as the reply.
Rachel took in the scene in front of her. Kate looked disheveled and pale. Her once oval face was gaunt and her blond hair was lank and dirty. She still had all those pictures covering her bed and floor. She had her pillows propped up to lie against and her head was bent as she studied the wedding picture in her hand. Rachel decided to jump right in.
‘Kate pet, I’m worried about you’ she reached the side of the bed and made room to sit down.
‘Why?’ she didn’t look up.
‘Because of this,’ Rachel swept her arm out to emphasise the whole room.
‘This,’ Kate looked up with anger in her eyes ‘is my life Rachel. It’s my goddam life laid out in front of you. What’s so worrying about that tell me?’
The venom in Kate’s voice was palpable, but Rachel pressed on.
‘Kate MaGuire, this is NOT your life. These pictures are some of your memories with Dan and Alex, yes, I’ll give you that, but I have known you our entire lives and this, here and now, you sitting in this dark room with only your memories for comfort, this,’ she paused now too, sweeping her outstretched arms around the room, ‘is not you.’
Pausing for a moment as she looked at her Kate spoke in a controlled even voice.
‘Rachel, let me be very clear about something, not you, Mum, Dad or anybody else is going to make me give them up. I refuse to. I want to be close to them and this is my way of doing it. Now, my husband and son got blown into goddamn pieces by some selfish bastards in the name of freedom so I think I have the goddamn right to do whatever I please with their pictures in my own bedroom in my own house. And if you or anybody else has a problem with that then tough. Because right now I don’t give a damn.’
Kate resumed looking at the wedding photo in her hand as if her outburst had never occurred. Rachel let the impact of what Kate had said settle before she spoke. She couldn’t back down. She had to fight Kate on this for her own sake.
‘I’m not saying you should give them up Kate, I’m just asking you to take a look at what you are doing. You haven’t left your room in days except to get a drink or more cigarettes. You haven’t showered or changed clothes in over a week and I’m worried about you…’
Rachel paused for a reaction, when she got none she resumed,
‘I’m worried about the amount you’re drinking as well.’
Kate’s head shot up.
‘Me?’ she sneered, ‘you’re worried about me drinking? That’s rich coming from you Rach.’
Rachel took a moment to compose herself.
‘Katie, I enjoy a few drinks, we both do, but not like this. You are drinking every day.’
‘Have Mum and Dad been telling tales on me? Too frighten to confront me themselves so they send little miss not so goody two shoes.’
Kate’s words stung as she spat them at Rachel.
‘I’ll put it down to the fact that your grieving Kate, but don’t speak to me like that. I came to help you. I want you to see what you are doing to yourself. If Dan was here he would be devastated to see you like this.’
‘Well, he’s not here. That’s the bloody problem Rach.’
‘ I understand that Kate….’
‘…do you? Do you really understand? Because I don’t think anyone quite understands Rach. All I want is my life back. I want my boys here with me and I can’t have that so now my life consists of this,’ she threw her arms out to take in the scene in front of her.
‘More than you will ever know I wish things were different, but they’re not. So here I am with all that’s left of my perfect life. Just leave me alone to wallow in it because I have no plans to do anything else right now.’
Rachel listened to Kate, feeling a rush of sympathy once again for her and realized nothing she could say right now was going to change Kate’s mind because she wasn’t ready. She really had no idea what she was going through. Rachel placed her hand on Kate’s and was comforted by the fact Kate didn’t try to pull it away. ‘I love you and I’m here for you Kate and you’re right I can’t begin to comprehend the pain you are going through but when you’re ready the rest of your family and friends are still here, waiting for you to start living again. We will wait for as long as you want and we will keep trying to convince you that while losing Dan and Alex is horrendous you are still alive and your life must go on.’
She leant in and kissed Kates forehead, got up from the side of the bed and silently left the room. Rachel could feel the emotional block Kate had surrounded herself with and wondered how they were ever going to be able to break it down.
‘Why hadn’t she noticed?’ She seemed fine the last few times she had visited. Not entirely sober, but Rachel thought she was just having a few to take the edge off in the evenings. Jack said it was usually a bottle sometimes two bottles of wine a day and sometimes a few vodkas as well. Rachel knew Kate and herself had plenty of nights out where they drank a couple of bottles of wine between them. But that was for the whole night, with a meal and partying into the small hours. Not sitting in their bedrooms by themselves. She understood why Kate was doing it though, and in her shoes she couldn’t guarantee she wouldn’t do the same. But, that was no reason to stand back and watch Kate drown her sorrow and fight her grief at the end of a bottle. Poor Jack and Rose looked so stressed and pale when Rachel had arrived at the house. It was like they had aged ten years in a matter of weeks. Rachel wasn’t sure what she could do to help and whether Kate would even listen to her at this point but seeing the desperation in their faces she knew she had to try at the very least.
‘Here goes,’ she thought as she knocked on Kate’s bedroom door.
‘Kate it’s me,’ Rachel spoke softly as she opened the door.
A curt ‘come in’ came as the reply.
Rachel took in the scene in front of her. Kate looked disheveled and pale. Her once oval face was gaunt and her blond hair was lank and dirty. She still had all those pictures covering her bed and floor. She had her pillows propped up to lie against and her head was bent as she studied the wedding picture in her hand. Rachel decided to jump right in.
‘Kate pet, I’m worried about you’ she reached the side of the bed and made room to sit down.
‘Why?’ she didn’t look up.
‘Because of this,’ Rachel swept her arm out to emphasise the whole room.
‘This,’ Kate looked up with anger in her eyes ‘is my life Rachel. It’s my goddam life laid out in front of you. What’s so worrying about that tell me?’
The venom in Kate’s voice was palpable, but Rachel pressed on.
‘Kate MaGuire, this is NOT your life. These pictures are some of your memories with Dan and Alex, yes, I’ll give you that, but I have known you our entire lives and this, here and now, you sitting in this dark room with only your memories for comfort, this,’ she paused now too, sweeping her outstretched arms around the room, ‘is not you.’
Pausing for a moment as she looked at her Kate spoke in a controlled even voice.
‘Rachel, let me be very clear about something, not you, Mum, Dad or anybody else is going to make me give them up. I refuse to. I want to be close to them and this is my way of doing it. Now, my husband and son got blown into goddamn pieces by some selfish bastards in the name of freedom so I think I have the goddamn right to do whatever I please with their pictures in my own bedroom in my own house. And if you or anybody else has a problem with that then tough. Because right now I don’t give a damn.’
Kate resumed looking at the wedding photo in her hand as if her outburst had never occurred. Rachel let the impact of what Kate had said settle before she spoke. She couldn’t back down. She had to fight Kate on this for her own sake.
‘I’m not saying you should give them up Kate, I’m just asking you to take a look at what you are doing. You haven’t left your room in days except to get a drink or more cigarettes. You haven’t showered or changed clothes in over a week and I’m worried about you…’
Rachel paused for a reaction, when she got none she resumed,
‘I’m worried about the amount you’re drinking as well.’
Kate’s head shot up.
‘Me?’ she sneered, ‘you’re worried about me drinking? That’s rich coming from you Rach.’
Rachel took a moment to compose herself.
‘Katie, I enjoy a few drinks, we both do, but not like this. You are drinking every day.’
‘Have Mum and Dad been telling tales on me? Too frighten to confront me themselves so they send little miss not so goody two shoes.’
Kate’s words stung as she spat them at Rachel.
‘I’ll put it down to the fact that your grieving Kate, but don’t speak to me like that. I came to help you. I want you to see what you are doing to yourself. If Dan was here he would be devastated to see you like this.’
‘Well, he’s not here. That’s the bloody problem Rach.’
‘ I understand that Kate….’
‘…do you? Do you really understand? Because I don’t think anyone quite understands Rach. All I want is my life back. I want my boys here with me and I can’t have that so now my life consists of this,’ she threw her arms out to take in the scene in front of her.
‘More than you will ever know I wish things were different, but they’re not. So here I am with all that’s left of my perfect life. Just leave me alone to wallow in it because I have no plans to do anything else right now.’
Rachel listened to Kate, feeling a rush of sympathy once again for her and realized nothing she could say right now was going to change Kate’s mind because she wasn’t ready. She really had no idea what she was going through. Rachel placed her hand on Kate’s and was comforted by the fact Kate didn’t try to pull it away. ‘I love you and I’m here for you Kate and you’re right I can’t begin to comprehend the pain you are going through but when you’re ready the rest of your family and friends are still here, waiting for you to start living again. We will wait for as long as you want and we will keep trying to convince you that while losing Dan and Alex is horrendous you are still alive and your life must go on.’
She leant in and kissed Kates forehead, got up from the side of the bed and silently left the room. Rachel could feel the emotional block Kate had surrounded herself with and wondered how they were ever going to be able to break it down.
***
‘Well?’ Jack, Rose and Jeremy were anxiously waiting in the kitchen when Rachel came downstairs.
‘I don’t know what to say to you all.’ Rachel felt the hopelessness of the situation surround them all.
‘She really isn’t ready to hear any rational thoughts or accept any advice. You are right, she is very angry, but I think if we push her too much it may send her over the edge.’
Rose placed a pot of tea on the kitchen table as they all sat down to talk.
‘But she has to know what she’s doing isn’t helping her?’ Rose looked lost and afraid as she spoke.
‘Mrs B, I don’t think she is anywhere near being able to see what she is doing to herself.’
‘I know, that’s why I feel she needs us to tell her.’
‘But, I don’t think that’s the way forward, I really don’t.’
‘What do you think we should do?’ Jack spoke for the first time since Rachel came into the kitchen.
‘To be honest with you, and I know you’re not going to like this, but, to be honest I think we need to leave her alone and let her work through the grieving process herself. We can be here for her but in the background and when she’s ready I think she will come out the other side knowing that her family and friends just want to support and love her.’
‘You mean you think we should just sit back and watch her destroy herself?’ Rose’s voice was raised in anger. ‘No not at all. That’s not what I’m saying. I don’t think Kate will destroy herself. I think she will reach a really low point, which I don’t think she has reached yet, but in order for her to get better she will need to reach it and make the decision herself that she wants to live her life in the present and not the past.’
Fearfully Jack asked.
‘What happens if she never reaches that point?’
‘I think she will, but maybe not in the time frame we would like. We will have to be patient. I told you I met a grief counselor and discussed Kates situation with him. He said there are seven stages of grief, but they don’t come in any particular order and there is no timeframe around any stage or feeling.’
‘So he said we should just sit back and let her be?’
‘In the simplest terms Mrs B, yes. He also said you both should see someone as you are trying to deal with your own grief as well as Kate’s. And obviously Jeremy the same would go for you.’
Rachel looked tenderly from one to the other. ‘I think it may help you understand Kate’s behavior a little more as well if you went to speak to somebody.’
‘I guess you have a point.’ Jack said gently.
‘Yes I suppose you do.’ Rose dropped her head into her hands and cried softly.
‘I just wish we could help her more. I feel so useless.’
Jack reached for her hand.
‘Rose love, Rachel is right. Kate needs to know we are here for her whenever she is ready to start living again and I presume in the meantime we have to hold our breaths and our tongues and tread softly. You aren’t useless, don’t ever think that.’
‘The guards said they gave you a list of grief counselors, but I have to say I found this guy really informative, David Wellington, and he was recommended to me by a friend. Here’s his card.’
Rachel reached into her jeans pocket and placed a business card on the table.
‘No harm in giving him a call.’
‘Thanks Rachel, you really are a great friend to our Katie. Thanks so much.’ Jack stood as Rachel did and embraced her tightly.
Jeremy kissed her cheek gently. ‘Thanks for trying love. It’s great she has you.’
‘She’s my closest friend, I would do anything I could to take away the pain, just like you all would. But we know that’s not possible so all I can do is what I think she would want, which is to let her know I’m here, no matter what and just hope that’s enough.’
Rose embraced Rachel as they all walked towards the front door. ‘Yes love you really are a true friend. Katie’s very lucky to have you.’
‘Keep an eye on her but don’t overcrowd her. Let her be and she will come around again I have no doubt.’ Rachel opened the front door as she spoke.
‘Take care of each other you two.’
She looked affectionately at Jack and Rose.
‘Katie’s very lucky to have you both as parents but she needs you to be strong and healthy for her as well. And Jeremy you know how fond Kate is of you, but so much of how you act would remind her of Dan so you need to be mindful of that.’
Rachel looked at the heartbroken faces before her. ‘Please try to stop worrying. Everything will be alright in the end.’
‘I don’t know what to say to you all.’ Rachel felt the hopelessness of the situation surround them all.
‘She really isn’t ready to hear any rational thoughts or accept any advice. You are right, she is very angry, but I think if we push her too much it may send her over the edge.’
Rose placed a pot of tea on the kitchen table as they all sat down to talk.
‘But she has to know what she’s doing isn’t helping her?’ Rose looked lost and afraid as she spoke.
‘Mrs B, I don’t think she is anywhere near being able to see what she is doing to herself.’
‘I know, that’s why I feel she needs us to tell her.’
‘But, I don’t think that’s the way forward, I really don’t.’
‘What do you think we should do?’ Jack spoke for the first time since Rachel came into the kitchen.
‘To be honest with you, and I know you’re not going to like this, but, to be honest I think we need to leave her alone and let her work through the grieving process herself. We can be here for her but in the background and when she’s ready I think she will come out the other side knowing that her family and friends just want to support and love her.’
‘You mean you think we should just sit back and watch her destroy herself?’ Rose’s voice was raised in anger. ‘No not at all. That’s not what I’m saying. I don’t think Kate will destroy herself. I think she will reach a really low point, which I don’t think she has reached yet, but in order for her to get better she will need to reach it and make the decision herself that she wants to live her life in the present and not the past.’
Fearfully Jack asked.
‘What happens if she never reaches that point?’
‘I think she will, but maybe not in the time frame we would like. We will have to be patient. I told you I met a grief counselor and discussed Kates situation with him. He said there are seven stages of grief, but they don’t come in any particular order and there is no timeframe around any stage or feeling.’
‘So he said we should just sit back and let her be?’
‘In the simplest terms Mrs B, yes. He also said you both should see someone as you are trying to deal with your own grief as well as Kate’s. And obviously Jeremy the same would go for you.’
Rachel looked tenderly from one to the other. ‘I think it may help you understand Kate’s behavior a little more as well if you went to speak to somebody.’
‘I guess you have a point.’ Jack said gently.
‘Yes I suppose you do.’ Rose dropped her head into her hands and cried softly.
‘I just wish we could help her more. I feel so useless.’
Jack reached for her hand.
‘Rose love, Rachel is right. Kate needs to know we are here for her whenever she is ready to start living again and I presume in the meantime we have to hold our breaths and our tongues and tread softly. You aren’t useless, don’t ever think that.’
‘The guards said they gave you a list of grief counselors, but I have to say I found this guy really informative, David Wellington, and he was recommended to me by a friend. Here’s his card.’
Rachel reached into her jeans pocket and placed a business card on the table.
‘No harm in giving him a call.’
‘Thanks Rachel, you really are a great friend to our Katie. Thanks so much.’ Jack stood as Rachel did and embraced her tightly.
Jeremy kissed her cheek gently. ‘Thanks for trying love. It’s great she has you.’
‘She’s my closest friend, I would do anything I could to take away the pain, just like you all would. But we know that’s not possible so all I can do is what I think she would want, which is to let her know I’m here, no matter what and just hope that’s enough.’
Rose embraced Rachel as they all walked towards the front door. ‘Yes love you really are a true friend. Katie’s very lucky to have you.’
‘Keep an eye on her but don’t overcrowd her. Let her be and she will come around again I have no doubt.’ Rachel opened the front door as she spoke.
‘Take care of each other you two.’
She looked affectionately at Jack and Rose.
‘Katie’s very lucky to have you both as parents but she needs you to be strong and healthy for her as well. And Jeremy you know how fond Kate is of you, but so much of how you act would remind her of Dan so you need to be mindful of that.’
Rachel looked at the heartbroken faces before her. ‘Please try to stop worrying. Everything will be alright in the end.’
No comments:
Post a Comment