CHAPTER 4
‘I can’t quite believe it’s two weeks since I came home.’ Kate and Rachel were sitting on Kate’s bed, the light of the autumn sun streaming in through the bay window.
‘Sometimes our holiday seems like a whole other lifetime ago, kinda fuzzy nearly.’
Rachel nodded but let her go on.
‘You know what Rach? When I think of either of them my heart is so full of love it’s like it’s nearly going to burst but the pain is in there too all mixed up with the love. It’s like a fight in my heart to see which will win out…’ Kate’s voice trailed off as she was consumed with thoughts of Dan and Alex. For a moment neither girl said a word then Kate seemed to come back from the vacuum she tended to get lost in. She picked up a picture from the hundreds laid out on her bed.
‘Look, there’s you, me and Dan, Benidorm. 1990, wasn’t it?’
Rachel reached over and took hold of the picture.
‘Oh gosh, yes, look at those bikinis, they barely cover anything!’
‘What was the name of the guy you brought?’
‘Gerry, Gerry Smith…..oh don’t remind me.’
‘Hi, My name is Gerry, Gerry Smith, wonderful to meet you,’ Rachel said huskily remembering Gerry’s greeting.
‘He said it to everyone, even in the pubs. Remember the slagging he got from those English guys?’
‘Ye, I thought he was going to cry at one point,’
‘Ah, poor Gerry’, Kate took the picture back, ‘have you ever seen him around?’
‘I met his mam a few times through the years, turns out poor Gerry is not so poor anymore. Went to the states and made a fortune in construction. Owns a big house somewhere near New York . He’s even married with kids. I think a few years back he had two anyway so he probably has more now.’
‘Wow, you missed out on that one Rach.’ Kate smiled.
‘You know somehow I don’t think we would have lasted! I was always too fiery for poor Gerry wonderful to meet you Smith!’
Kate picked up another picture, this time it was one of Alex as a baby. Her face lost its’ smile as the darkness took over again. ‘He was only 6 months old here.’ She held out the picture for Rachel to take a look. Rachel felt the lump form in the back of her throat but could do nothing to stop it.
‘He really was a beautiful child Kate, just perfect.’
‘I know.’
She reached out and hugged Kate tightly to her as she saw the tears fall silently down her cheeks.
‘I miss them so much Rach, what’s going to happen to me now?’
‘I wish I could answer that for you Kate I really do. But there’s no point in me telling you some bullshit crap. This just stinks, it’s messed up. But I’m here for you pet, no matter what, I’ll stay over more if you want? I’ll bring more booze if that helps? I’ll even give you as many hugs as I possibly can. I know it’s not the same as having Dan or Alex here, but I’ll do my best for you.’
Kate released herself from Rachel’s arms and looked into her friends caring blue eyes.
‘Thank you so much for everything Rach, I love you.’
‘Right back at ya.’
‘Sometimes our holiday seems like a whole other lifetime ago, kinda fuzzy nearly.’
Rachel nodded but let her go on.
‘You know what Rach? When I think of either of them my heart is so full of love it’s like it’s nearly going to burst but the pain is in there too all mixed up with the love. It’s like a fight in my heart to see which will win out…’ Kate’s voice trailed off as she was consumed with thoughts of Dan and Alex. For a moment neither girl said a word then Kate seemed to come back from the vacuum she tended to get lost in. She picked up a picture from the hundreds laid out on her bed.
‘Look, there’s you, me and Dan, Benidorm. 1990, wasn’t it?’
Rachel reached over and took hold of the picture.
‘Oh gosh, yes, look at those bikinis, they barely cover anything!’
‘What was the name of the guy you brought?’
‘Gerry, Gerry Smith…..oh don’t remind me.’
‘Hi, My name is Gerry, Gerry Smith, wonderful to meet you,’ Rachel said huskily remembering Gerry’s greeting.
‘He said it to everyone, even in the pubs. Remember the slagging he got from those English guys?’
‘Ye, I thought he was going to cry at one point,’
‘Ah, poor Gerry’, Kate took the picture back, ‘have you ever seen him around?’
‘I met his mam a few times through the years, turns out poor Gerry is not so poor anymore. Went to the states and made a fortune in construction. Owns a big house somewhere near New York . He’s even married with kids. I think a few years back he had two anyway so he probably has more now.’
‘Wow, you missed out on that one Rach.’ Kate smiled.
‘You know somehow I don’t think we would have lasted! I was always too fiery for poor Gerry wonderful to meet you Smith!’
Kate picked up another picture, this time it was one of Alex as a baby. Her face lost its’ smile as the darkness took over again. ‘He was only 6 months old here.’ She held out the picture for Rachel to take a look. Rachel felt the lump form in the back of her throat but could do nothing to stop it.
‘He really was a beautiful child Kate, just perfect.’
‘I know.’
She reached out and hugged Kate tightly to her as she saw the tears fall silently down her cheeks.
‘I miss them so much Rach, what’s going to happen to me now?’
‘I wish I could answer that for you Kate I really do. But there’s no point in me telling you some bullshit crap. This just stinks, it’s messed up. But I’m here for you pet, no matter what, I’ll stay over more if you want? I’ll bring more booze if that helps? I’ll even give you as many hugs as I possibly can. I know it’s not the same as having Dan or Alex here, but I’ll do my best for you.’
Kate released herself from Rachel’s arms and looked into her friends caring blue eyes.
‘Thank you so much for everything Rach, I love you.’
‘Right back at ya.’
***
After Rachel left her, Kate lay on her bed looking at the ceiling, letting her thoughts consume her. She had gathered all the pictures she could find and they were now surrounding her. She had meant it when she thanked Rachel. She knew she was going out of her way to be there for her but sometimes what she felt was too much for her to deal with. She couldn’t bring herself to tell Rachel the truth. She knew she wasn’t coping well but she didn’t know what else to do. The panic Kate felt if she thought about moving from her room and her precious pictures was overwhelming. The grip of fear seemed to ease a little as she poured herself a glass of wine. Knowing the release it would give as she put the glass to her lips always dampened down the rising panic.
‘What do people do?’ she said into the silence. ‘How do they cope with this?’
Looking at a picture of Alex the day he was born, she heard the news being delivered by her dad repeated..…‘they died love’…she knew they had but she kept closing her eyes really tight in the hope that her wish that they would be back with her would come true.
Kate was already finding it difficult to remember what it felt like to have Alex’s arms around her neck in one of their bear hugs. As she tried desperately to remember she could feel the panic rise again and found herself reaching for another glass of wine. Gulping it back she could once again calm down.
Her days were spent like this as she tried to remember every moment they spent together. Every picture she looked at brought with it more memories and the most upsetting times was when she couldn’t recall every detail of every laugh, tear and word spoken.
‘Why hadn’t we taken more pictures?’ she thought to herself more than once.
She wanted ones of their everyday lives, not just the big occasions. What about when they sat down and ate dinner together or played football in the park? Every good morning butterfly kiss from her sleepy son was etched on her brain yet she wanted to see the physical proof. To prove her mind wasn’t playing tricks on her, that they did really once exist, that their lives meant something. She longed to feel Dan’s hands explore her body one last time. To feel his warm, hard body entwined with hers as they made love. Every waking moment was spent recalling her life as it had been and the pictures helped her recall all of those memories. She just wanted more. Her parents pleas to put the pictures away fell on deaf ears. What possible reason would she have to let them go? It wouldn't help her get through this and that’s all she wanted. To somehow get through this nightmare.
Every day she found herself trying really hard not to take it out on her parents but it seemed every time she ventured downstairs her Mum tried to talk to her about getting some professional help. She wouldn’t leave it well enough alone. Kate’s frustration at the futility of it all bubbled up and exploded whenever Rose tried to talk to her about how she was feeling. Every time she had an outburst she regretted it but that didn’t make a damn bit of difference. She still screamed at them, told them to leave her alone to wallow in her sadness. She invariably ended up retreating back upstairs sooner than she anticipated just to stop herself saying anything else she would regret.
‘God, I hate this.’ Kate thought after yet another argument with Jack and Rose. She had gone downstairs to get some water, maybe something to eat and some fresh air but instead had run headlong into Rose floustering on the stairs.
‘Oh Kate dear, I was just coming to see if you would like some dinner?’
‘I’m fine Mum thanks.’ Kate tried to walk past Rose towards the stairs.
‘But it’s Bacon and Cabbage. You always loved bacon and cabbage.’
The pleading in Rose’ voice irritated Kate.
‘Mum, I’m fine. I just want a sandwich. I’m not in the mood for a full dinner.’ She had made it to the stairs and was making her way down closely followed by a concerned Rose.
‘I’ll make you a nice sandwich so. Some of my freshly baked ham on it, little bit of mustard maybe love?’ she asked enquiringly.
‘Mum.’ Exasperated Kate stopped at the end of the stairs and rounded on Rose.
‘Listen carefully to me please , I…do….not….want….dinner…I…do…not…want…a…lovely…ham….sandwich.’
Hurt and feeling upset Rose looked at Kate for a moment before she spoke.
‘Kate, I am trying to help. I don’t expect to be treated like a fool when all I am trying to do is offer some help.’
‘I’m not treating you like a fool. I’m just trying to explain to you that I am capable of getting my own food. I don’t need you to keep fussing over me because it is driving me bloody crazy. So leave me alone.’
Kate stormed off and left a bereft Rose standing shocked on the bottom stair unable to move.
Jack hadn’t heard the commotion as the radio in the kitchen drowned out any sounds. It was only when Kate stormed into the kitchen mumbling under her breath that he looked up from his paperwork and sighed. Taking off his reading glasses he looked at her.
‘Ah Kate, I’m glad to see you down her. Does this mean you’ll be joining us for dinner? You’re Mum has made one of your favour..…..’
Before he could finish Kate let out a scream that would silence a classroom of 15 year old boys.
‘…..I DON’T WANT ANY FUCKING BACON AND CABBAGE,’ before storming back out the kitchen door, sweeping past a still shocked Rose and slamming her bedroom door. They heard the lock click before silence hung around them once more.
Jack made his way to the hall where he found Rose sitting on the bottom step and as he went to her he realized she was crying. Gathering her in his arms Rose leant her head on Jacks shoulder and wept.
Back in her room Kate was running through the scenario in her head and wished she had handled it better. But she also wished they would go away and leave her alone with her thoughts and her memories. It was all she wanted now.
‘What do people do?’ she said into the silence. ‘How do they cope with this?’
Looking at a picture of Alex the day he was born, she heard the news being delivered by her dad repeated..…‘they died love’…she knew they had but she kept closing her eyes really tight in the hope that her wish that they would be back with her would come true.
Kate was already finding it difficult to remember what it felt like to have Alex’s arms around her neck in one of their bear hugs. As she tried desperately to remember she could feel the panic rise again and found herself reaching for another glass of wine. Gulping it back she could once again calm down.
Her days were spent like this as she tried to remember every moment they spent together. Every picture she looked at brought with it more memories and the most upsetting times was when she couldn’t recall every detail of every laugh, tear and word spoken.
‘Why hadn’t we taken more pictures?’ she thought to herself more than once.
She wanted ones of their everyday lives, not just the big occasions. What about when they sat down and ate dinner together or played football in the park? Every good morning butterfly kiss from her sleepy son was etched on her brain yet she wanted to see the physical proof. To prove her mind wasn’t playing tricks on her, that they did really once exist, that their lives meant something. She longed to feel Dan’s hands explore her body one last time. To feel his warm, hard body entwined with hers as they made love. Every waking moment was spent recalling her life as it had been and the pictures helped her recall all of those memories. She just wanted more. Her parents pleas to put the pictures away fell on deaf ears. What possible reason would she have to let them go? It wouldn't help her get through this and that’s all she wanted. To somehow get through this nightmare.
Every day she found herself trying really hard not to take it out on her parents but it seemed every time she ventured downstairs her Mum tried to talk to her about getting some professional help. She wouldn’t leave it well enough alone. Kate’s frustration at the futility of it all bubbled up and exploded whenever Rose tried to talk to her about how she was feeling. Every time she had an outburst she regretted it but that didn’t make a damn bit of difference. She still screamed at them, told them to leave her alone to wallow in her sadness. She invariably ended up retreating back upstairs sooner than she anticipated just to stop herself saying anything else she would regret.
‘God, I hate this.’ Kate thought after yet another argument with Jack and Rose. She had gone downstairs to get some water, maybe something to eat and some fresh air but instead had run headlong into Rose floustering on the stairs.
‘Oh Kate dear, I was just coming to see if you would like some dinner?’
‘I’m fine Mum thanks.’ Kate tried to walk past Rose towards the stairs.
‘But it’s Bacon and Cabbage. You always loved bacon and cabbage.’
The pleading in Rose’ voice irritated Kate.
‘Mum, I’m fine. I just want a sandwich. I’m not in the mood for a full dinner.’ She had made it to the stairs and was making her way down closely followed by a concerned Rose.
‘I’ll make you a nice sandwich so. Some of my freshly baked ham on it, little bit of mustard maybe love?’ she asked enquiringly.
‘Mum.’ Exasperated Kate stopped at the end of the stairs and rounded on Rose.
‘Listen carefully to me please , I…do….not….want….dinner…I…do…not…want…a…lovely…ham….sandwich.’
Hurt and feeling upset Rose looked at Kate for a moment before she spoke.
‘Kate, I am trying to help. I don’t expect to be treated like a fool when all I am trying to do is offer some help.’
‘I’m not treating you like a fool. I’m just trying to explain to you that I am capable of getting my own food. I don’t need you to keep fussing over me because it is driving me bloody crazy. So leave me alone.’
Kate stormed off and left a bereft Rose standing shocked on the bottom stair unable to move.
Jack hadn’t heard the commotion as the radio in the kitchen drowned out any sounds. It was only when Kate stormed into the kitchen mumbling under her breath that he looked up from his paperwork and sighed. Taking off his reading glasses he looked at her.
‘Ah Kate, I’m glad to see you down her. Does this mean you’ll be joining us for dinner? You’re Mum has made one of your favour..…..’
Before he could finish Kate let out a scream that would silence a classroom of 15 year old boys.
‘…..I DON’T WANT ANY FUCKING BACON AND CABBAGE,’ before storming back out the kitchen door, sweeping past a still shocked Rose and slamming her bedroom door. They heard the lock click before silence hung around them once more.
Jack made his way to the hall where he found Rose sitting on the bottom step and as he went to her he realized she was crying. Gathering her in his arms Rose leant her head on Jacks shoulder and wept.
Back in her room Kate was running through the scenario in her head and wished she had handled it better. But she also wished they would go away and leave her alone with her thoughts and her memories. It was all she wanted now.
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