Chapter 18
As the following weeks progressed Kate grew more restless. Each morning she woke hoping she would feel happier than the day before, but it never happened. She hated going home at night because it reminded her of what was no longer there. Each evening she was greeted by a cold, dark house. It was as if the very life had been sucked out of it and no amount of light or noise would bring it back.
Since she had insisted her parents move out and return to their own home she had wondered had she done the right thing? She had felt suffocated by them at times when they were there but now they were gone she wondered had she been too hasty.
‘I suppose I have to face it at some point. Now is as good a time as any.’ She thought to herself as she refilled her wine glass. She was holding up well in work but she hoped nobody could see through her façade and realize how unhappy she was. She couldn’t face the probing and the questions.
As the months rolled into one another, Winter turned to Spring and Spring to Summer and with each passing season Jack & Rose believed they could see an improvement in Kate.
But, Jeremy and Marge had seen very little of each other and Jack knew Jeremy had moved in with his new woman, Barbara. He figured he should let Rose know because he didn’t want her to feel he was excluding her. Jeremy would understand and it was probably the easiest way of letting Marge know what was happening without Jeremy having to tell her himself.
‘I’m probably doing him a favour.’ Jack thought.
They were relaxing in their lounge after they had moved back from Kate’s house.
‘Jeremy has moved in with his lady friend,’ Jack broached the subject as tentatively as he knew how.
Startled Rose looked up from her living section of the Irish Independent.
‘Did I just hear you right dear?’
‘I think you probably did, yes. Her name is Barbara and they have moved in together in Dun Laoghaire. Her place I believe.’
‘Well, well.’ Rose was remarkably calm.
‘I thought you’d be annoyed?’ Jack quizzed her.
‘No I’m not annoyed. I thought I would be myself. I’m more upset for Marge really. It’s going to be terribly difficult for her to understand. She really was just living for when he came to his senses as she put it.’
‘Poor Marge.’
‘Yes, poor Marge indeed.’ said Rose. ‘She is going to find this all very difficult to take on board. Maybe it’s best not to tell her just yet. What do you think dear?’
‘If that what you feel is best?’
‘Yes, yes I do. Jeremy has no plans to tell her I presume?’
‘No, I wouldn’t think he would want to bring that wrath down on himself voluntarily!’
‘I thought as much. Very well that’s settled. We won’t tell Marge until she is stronger and we feel she can handle the news. I presume this means he is serious about her?’
‘Yes, he seems quite taken by her actually. She’s a nice woman Rose. Very easy to get along with. Terribly fond of Jeremy and they seem to have a good understanding of each other. I think you would like her.’
‘Well, we will hold off on that meeting for a little while I think.’ Rose smarted.
Jack knew when to rein it in and answered.
‘Yes, of course dear. There’s no rush.’
Rose went back to reading her paper and Jack marveled once again at his wife. She continued to amaze him, even after all these years she managed to surprise him.
‘Not a bad way to be.’ He thought to himself picking up the Sunday Times again.
Since she had insisted her parents move out and return to their own home she had wondered had she done the right thing? She had felt suffocated by them at times when they were there but now they were gone she wondered had she been too hasty.
‘I suppose I have to face it at some point. Now is as good a time as any.’ She thought to herself as she refilled her wine glass. She was holding up well in work but she hoped nobody could see through her façade and realize how unhappy she was. She couldn’t face the probing and the questions.
As the months rolled into one another, Winter turned to Spring and Spring to Summer and with each passing season Jack & Rose believed they could see an improvement in Kate.
But, Jeremy and Marge had seen very little of each other and Jack knew Jeremy had moved in with his new woman, Barbara. He figured he should let Rose know because he didn’t want her to feel he was excluding her. Jeremy would understand and it was probably the easiest way of letting Marge know what was happening without Jeremy having to tell her himself.
‘I’m probably doing him a favour.’ Jack thought.
They were relaxing in their lounge after they had moved back from Kate’s house.
‘Jeremy has moved in with his lady friend,’ Jack broached the subject as tentatively as he knew how.
Startled Rose looked up from her living section of the Irish Independent.
‘Did I just hear you right dear?’
‘I think you probably did, yes. Her name is Barbara and they have moved in together in Dun Laoghaire. Her place I believe.’
‘Well, well.’ Rose was remarkably calm.
‘I thought you’d be annoyed?’ Jack quizzed her.
‘No I’m not annoyed. I thought I would be myself. I’m more upset for Marge really. It’s going to be terribly difficult for her to understand. She really was just living for when he came to his senses as she put it.’
‘Poor Marge.’
‘Yes, poor Marge indeed.’ said Rose. ‘She is going to find this all very difficult to take on board. Maybe it’s best not to tell her just yet. What do you think dear?’
‘If that what you feel is best?’
‘Yes, yes I do. Jeremy has no plans to tell her I presume?’
‘No, I wouldn’t think he would want to bring that wrath down on himself voluntarily!’
‘I thought as much. Very well that’s settled. We won’t tell Marge until she is stronger and we feel she can handle the news. I presume this means he is serious about her?’
‘Yes, he seems quite taken by her actually. She’s a nice woman Rose. Very easy to get along with. Terribly fond of Jeremy and they seem to have a good understanding of each other. I think you would like her.’
‘Well, we will hold off on that meeting for a little while I think.’ Rose smarted.
Jack knew when to rein it in and answered.
‘Yes, of course dear. There’s no rush.’
Rose went back to reading her paper and Jack marveled once again at his wife. She continued to amaze him, even after all these years she managed to surprise him.
‘Not a bad way to be.’ He thought to himself picking up the Sunday Times again.
***
Rachel was trying to convince Kate to go out after work.
‘It’s the end of the week come on we can have a few drinks, relax, maybe a little flirting…? What harm can it do?’
‘I’m really not in the mood Rach. Honestly. You guys go ahead. Another time maybe.’
‘You have being saying that every week for the past two months Kate. Please reconsider ? You might even enjoy it.’
‘Rach, I’m just not up for it. I’m sorry.’
‘Maybe next week so?’ Rachel didn’t hold out much hope. Kate was doing her damnedest to avoid any social outing with her or any of the girls and she was at a loss as to how to change that.
Kate made her way home that night wondering what it would be like if Dan was there with her. It was his birthday the next day and the thought brought back memories of all the birthdays they had shared together. Drinks in their favourite bars in town in the first years after they met then as they got older and Dan’s practice was becoming successful, meals with friends in posh restaurants with champagne and expensive wine, weekends away in beautiful hotels in Europe, no expense spared because they didn’t have to. When Alex arrived they used their birthdays as excuses for couples only weekends to keep things exciting.
‘Dan made everything so God Damn good,’ she thought. ‘Christ he really loved life. Why can’t I feel that way again? Why does everything feel so hard? I can do all those things we did together but what’s the point? It won’t bring him back.’
She looked up and found herself standing outside the Morrison Hotel. Friday evening drinks in a setting where nobody knew her sounded just about right. Opening the door the noise level from the foyer bar washed over her and gathered her up and she started to feel a little giddy.
‘Well, maybe this will help after all,’ she thought as a handsome waiter smiled suggestively at her as she walked by. ‘I certainly deserve some fun.’ She smiled back and teasing her bottom lip with her tongue, hip sashayed to the bar and ordered a glass of Champagne. Kate wasn’t oblivious to the stares and admiring glances she received. She stroked her bottom lip with her index finger suggestively before lifting the golden bubbles to her mouth, sipping from the glass and licking her lips before replacing it on the bar. That was all it took before the cockiest man from the group beside her shifted to stand next to her.
‘Hi I’m Paul, nice to meet you.’
He held out his bronzed hand and took hers in a powerful hand shake.
‘A man’s man,’ she thought. ‘All buffed and preened. Looks after himself well, is very easy on the eye, maybe this won’t be as difficult as I thought,’ Kate coughed timidly before she spoke.
‘Susan,' she said receiving his hand in hers. ‘No point in telling the truth. This isn’t about reality tonight. I want to forget that for a while.’
‘Are you waiting to meet somebody or would you like to join my friends and myself for a drink?’
Her mind raced ahead of her as she concocted a story in her head that seemed plausible, workable and most of all believeable.
‘No, I’m alone, I’m just in Dublin on business. My meeting went on longer than I expected and to be honest with you I decided to relax and check in here for the night.’ She looked at him from under her lashes whilst lifting the Champagne glass to her lips and her smile said a thousand things to him, not least of all ‘this is your lucky night mate.'
Paul's mind was doing overtime. He reached up and taking her champagne glass from her, lightly brushed her hand with his, thinking, 'Play your cards right tonight mate and you’re going to get rode like black fucking beauty,’ Despite what he was thinking he said,
‘Well then, if you will allow us we would love to have you join us for the evening. We would hate to see such a beautiful woman as yourself alone in our city for a night. I could never forgive myself if we didn’t show you a good time.’ She didn’t resist, instead replied.
‘How can I say no to such a generous invitation. If you’re sure I’m not interrupting?’
‘Absolutely not, let me introduce you. This is Mick, Steve, Arthur and Jonny. He swept his arm around the group of eager looking suits.
‘This, gentlemen is Susan and she is alone in our city for the night so she will be joining us.’ Hand shakes and hellos followed and all that was going through Kates head was,
‘I can’t believe I’m doing this.’ Followed by,’ Oh to hell with it I deserve it.’
‘Gentlemen, would you excuse me while I go to the ladies room?’ They nodded and the one Paul said was Mick raised his glass in salute as she walked away. She knew they were going to talk about her as soon as she left the group. She could feel the heat on her back as the conversation turned instantly to their mate Paul and the chick he had just picked up.
Just as suddenly as she had made the decision to go into the bar she made it to leave. Without looking back she found the side door and walked quickly down the side of the hotel, passed the Jervis Centre, away from the wide expanse of windows of the hotel bar that would have opened her up to prying eyes. She needed a taxi and quick, she thought. Arm outstretched one pulled up alongside her and as she jumped in she realized she was breathless.
‘Sandymount please, Hedgeworth Road.’ The taxi man said nothing intelligible, Kate presumed the grunt meant yes and was grateful that this one didn’t want to talk. She wasn’t up to making polite conversation. All she wanted was to get to her home as quickly as she could, close the door and never come out again.
‘How could I be so bloody stupid?’ she wondered as she sat back and turned her face to watch the city flash by her. ‘What the hell was I thinking? And calling myself Susan? Christ what am I doing?’ She wished she could answer the question herself, but she couldn’t. She had no idea what was happening to her. Her behavior was getting more unpredictable by the day. All she knew was it wasn’t her that had thought about taking a stranger to a hotel room to have sex with him.
‘Oh God, I think I’m going to be sick.’ She thought. Please hurry, they were passing the Burlington Hotel, not long now. Five minutes later they turned down the road that led to Kates house and she gratefully gave the taxi man a €20 note for the €10 fare, told him to keep the change and jumped out of the taxi as it reached No 6. Punching in the code for the gate she could feel the bile mix with the champagne in her empty stomach and felt the champagne come back up to meet her as she retched into the bushes in her driveway.
‘Fuck, Fuck, Fuck!’ It was all she could manage before the stomach spasms seized her again and she dry retched.
‘Why me?’ she thought when the stomach cramps resided and she was walking to her front door.
‘I was happy Goddamn it! Why the hell did this have to happen to me?’
‘It’s the end of the week come on we can have a few drinks, relax, maybe a little flirting…? What harm can it do?’
‘I’m really not in the mood Rach. Honestly. You guys go ahead. Another time maybe.’
‘You have being saying that every week for the past two months Kate. Please reconsider ? You might even enjoy it.’
‘Rach, I’m just not up for it. I’m sorry.’
‘Maybe next week so?’ Rachel didn’t hold out much hope. Kate was doing her damnedest to avoid any social outing with her or any of the girls and she was at a loss as to how to change that.
Kate made her way home that night wondering what it would be like if Dan was there with her. It was his birthday the next day and the thought brought back memories of all the birthdays they had shared together. Drinks in their favourite bars in town in the first years after they met then as they got older and Dan’s practice was becoming successful, meals with friends in posh restaurants with champagne and expensive wine, weekends away in beautiful hotels in Europe, no expense spared because they didn’t have to. When Alex arrived they used their birthdays as excuses for couples only weekends to keep things exciting.
‘Dan made everything so God Damn good,’ she thought. ‘Christ he really loved life. Why can’t I feel that way again? Why does everything feel so hard? I can do all those things we did together but what’s the point? It won’t bring him back.’
She looked up and found herself standing outside the Morrison Hotel. Friday evening drinks in a setting where nobody knew her sounded just about right. Opening the door the noise level from the foyer bar washed over her and gathered her up and she started to feel a little giddy.
‘Well, maybe this will help after all,’ she thought as a handsome waiter smiled suggestively at her as she walked by. ‘I certainly deserve some fun.’ She smiled back and teasing her bottom lip with her tongue, hip sashayed to the bar and ordered a glass of Champagne. Kate wasn’t oblivious to the stares and admiring glances she received. She stroked her bottom lip with her index finger suggestively before lifting the golden bubbles to her mouth, sipping from the glass and licking her lips before replacing it on the bar. That was all it took before the cockiest man from the group beside her shifted to stand next to her.
‘Hi I’m Paul, nice to meet you.’
He held out his bronzed hand and took hers in a powerful hand shake.
‘A man’s man,’ she thought. ‘All buffed and preened. Looks after himself well, is very easy on the eye, maybe this won’t be as difficult as I thought,’ Kate coughed timidly before she spoke.
‘Susan,' she said receiving his hand in hers. ‘No point in telling the truth. This isn’t about reality tonight. I want to forget that for a while.’
‘Are you waiting to meet somebody or would you like to join my friends and myself for a drink?’
Her mind raced ahead of her as she concocted a story in her head that seemed plausible, workable and most of all believeable.
‘No, I’m alone, I’m just in Dublin on business. My meeting went on longer than I expected and to be honest with you I decided to relax and check in here for the night.’ She looked at him from under her lashes whilst lifting the Champagne glass to her lips and her smile said a thousand things to him, not least of all ‘this is your lucky night mate.'
Paul's mind was doing overtime. He reached up and taking her champagne glass from her, lightly brushed her hand with his, thinking, 'Play your cards right tonight mate and you’re going to get rode like black fucking beauty,’ Despite what he was thinking he said,
‘Well then, if you will allow us we would love to have you join us for the evening. We would hate to see such a beautiful woman as yourself alone in our city for a night. I could never forgive myself if we didn’t show you a good time.’ She didn’t resist, instead replied.
‘How can I say no to such a generous invitation. If you’re sure I’m not interrupting?’
‘Absolutely not, let me introduce you. This is Mick, Steve, Arthur and Jonny. He swept his arm around the group of eager looking suits.
‘This, gentlemen is Susan and she is alone in our city for the night so she will be joining us.’ Hand shakes and hellos followed and all that was going through Kates head was,
‘I can’t believe I’m doing this.’ Followed by,’ Oh to hell with it I deserve it.’
‘Gentlemen, would you excuse me while I go to the ladies room?’ They nodded and the one Paul said was Mick raised his glass in salute as she walked away. She knew they were going to talk about her as soon as she left the group. She could feel the heat on her back as the conversation turned instantly to their mate Paul and the chick he had just picked up.
Just as suddenly as she had made the decision to go into the bar she made it to leave. Without looking back she found the side door and walked quickly down the side of the hotel, passed the Jervis Centre, away from the wide expanse of windows of the hotel bar that would have opened her up to prying eyes. She needed a taxi and quick, she thought. Arm outstretched one pulled up alongside her and as she jumped in she realized she was breathless.
‘Sandymount please, Hedgeworth Road.’ The taxi man said nothing intelligible, Kate presumed the grunt meant yes and was grateful that this one didn’t want to talk. She wasn’t up to making polite conversation. All she wanted was to get to her home as quickly as she could, close the door and never come out again.
‘How could I be so bloody stupid?’ she wondered as she sat back and turned her face to watch the city flash by her. ‘What the hell was I thinking? And calling myself Susan? Christ what am I doing?’ She wished she could answer the question herself, but she couldn’t. She had no idea what was happening to her. Her behavior was getting more unpredictable by the day. All she knew was it wasn’t her that had thought about taking a stranger to a hotel room to have sex with him.
‘Oh God, I think I’m going to be sick.’ She thought. Please hurry, they were passing the Burlington Hotel, not long now. Five minutes later they turned down the road that led to Kates house and she gratefully gave the taxi man a €20 note for the €10 fare, told him to keep the change and jumped out of the taxi as it reached No 6. Punching in the code for the gate she could feel the bile mix with the champagne in her empty stomach and felt the champagne come back up to meet her as she retched into the bushes in her driveway.
‘Fuck, Fuck, Fuck!’ It was all she could manage before the stomach spasms seized her again and she dry retched.
‘Why me?’ she thought when the stomach cramps resided and she was walking to her front door.
‘I was happy Goddamn it! Why the hell did this have to happen to me?’
Kate spent the rest of the weekend locked away in her house. Friends tried reaching her but she refused to talk to them. To stop the calls she texted Rachel on Saturday afternoon with a very short and to the point message. She knew Rachel and the girls would be constantly in touch so it wouldn’t take long for the message to get out, to leave her alone.
‘I’m fine, don’t worry about it. I know it’s Dan’s birthday but I’d rather be alone. See you Monday x.' She put the kiss in for good measure, to take the sting out of it a little.
'Amazing how easy people could be placated sometimes. That was it. That’s all it took for them to leave her alone, get them off the hook more like,' she thought. 'I know I wouldn’t want to be calling constantly to check if my grieving friend was okay if all she ever did was tell me to leave her alone. It would get tiring to say the least.'
‘I’m fine, don’t worry about it. I know it’s Dan’s birthday but I’d rather be alone. See you Monday x.' She put the kiss in for good measure, to take the sting out of it a little.
'Amazing how easy people could be placated sometimes. That was it. That’s all it took for them to leave her alone, get them off the hook more like,' she thought. 'I know I wouldn’t want to be calling constantly to check if my grieving friend was okay if all she ever did was tell me to leave her alone. It would get tiring to say the least.'
***
‘Do you fancy dinner out tonight. Just something quick after work?’ Rachel was really trying thought Kate, but,
‘I can’t Rach, I have plans.’ She didn’t but she thought it was easier than explaining she couldn’t get home quick enough each night to her safety net, her comfort. Rachel looked a little taken aback and responded trying to keep the hurt out of her voice but failing miserably.
‘Oh right so, you never said.’
‘I don’t tell you everything I bloody do.’ Kate snapped.
‘And I don’t expect you to Kate. Fine. I was just asking because I thought you would be alone again tonight, but obviously you’re doing better than I thought. Enjoy your night.’ Rachel stormed off before Kate could say another word.
‘Maybe it was for best.’ Kate picked up her handbag and walked out if her office ignoring the looks from her colleagues as she went.
‘I can’t Rach, I have plans.’ She didn’t but she thought it was easier than explaining she couldn’t get home quick enough each night to her safety net, her comfort. Rachel looked a little taken aback and responded trying to keep the hurt out of her voice but failing miserably.
‘Oh right so, you never said.’
‘I don’t tell you everything I bloody do.’ Kate snapped.
‘And I don’t expect you to Kate. Fine. I was just asking because I thought you would be alone again tonight, but obviously you’re doing better than I thought. Enjoy your night.’ Rachel stormed off before Kate could say another word.
‘Maybe it was for best.’ Kate picked up her handbag and walked out if her office ignoring the looks from her colleagues as she went.
***
‘Hi, quick question. Do you have plans with Kate tonight?’
Sue was stirring the pasta sauce that threatened to bubble over the pan whilst trying to balance the mobile between her ear and shoulder.
‘No why?’
‘Oh it’s just I asked her to go out for a bite to eat and she was quite short with me, said she had plans and that was it. Basically told me to mind my own bloody business. All she said was she had plans. Nothing about who it was with, Kelly and Cass said they haven’t been able to get to talk to her for weeks. All their texts and calls go unanswered.’
‘I’m the same Rach. The only way I know she’s okay is through you.’
‘Well, it seems the only reason I know is because we work in the same office. Otherwise, you would never know we were ever friends, let alone best friends.’
‘Did you ring her folks?’
‘No, I didn’t want to in case they get worried about her.’
‘I hate to say it Rach, but you just might have to leave it be and accept that she doesn’t want to see any of us right now. At least we know she’s ok because you get to see her in work.’
‘I know, I know. I have to take my own advice I suppose and just back off, don’t I?’
‘I’m afraid so babe, I know it’s not easy..ah shit!..’
‘What?’
‘Oh I just spilt some sauce from the pan onto the bloody floor. Look I better go before this lot come in and the dog licks this up for his tea.’
Laughing Rachel said her goodbyes to a hassled sounding Sue and decided she really had to head her own advice or she’d go round the bend trying to figure out what the hell Kate was up to.
Sue was stirring the pasta sauce that threatened to bubble over the pan whilst trying to balance the mobile between her ear and shoulder.
‘No why?’
‘Oh it’s just I asked her to go out for a bite to eat and she was quite short with me, said she had plans and that was it. Basically told me to mind my own bloody business. All she said was she had plans. Nothing about who it was with, Kelly and Cass said they haven’t been able to get to talk to her for weeks. All their texts and calls go unanswered.’
‘I’m the same Rach. The only way I know she’s okay is through you.’
‘Well, it seems the only reason I know is because we work in the same office. Otherwise, you would never know we were ever friends, let alone best friends.’
‘Did you ring her folks?’
‘No, I didn’t want to in case they get worried about her.’
‘I hate to say it Rach, but you just might have to leave it be and accept that she doesn’t want to see any of us right now. At least we know she’s ok because you get to see her in work.’
‘I know, I know. I have to take my own advice I suppose and just back off, don’t I?’
‘I’m afraid so babe, I know it’s not easy..ah shit!..’
‘What?’
‘Oh I just spilt some sauce from the pan onto the bloody floor. Look I better go before this lot come in and the dog licks this up for his tea.’
Laughing Rachel said her goodbyes to a hassled sounding Sue and decided she really had to head her own advice or she’d go round the bend trying to figure out what the hell Kate was up to.
***
‘Hi Kate, have a good weekend?’ Rachel was trying desperately to be upbeat and keep the hurt from her voice.
‘Ye it was grand. How was yours?’
‘Em, fine, didn’t really to get up to much. Did you?’
‘No, nothing really. See you later so.’ Kate keep walking and closed the door to her office before Rachel had a chance to catch her breath.
‘Jesus, this is ridiculous,’ thought Rachel frustratingly. ‘What am I going to do?’ She went to her desk and picked up the phone.
‘Hi, it’s me. We need to meet up. I know you said I should take my own advice, but I can’t I’m sorry, I just can’t, please Sue. You and the girls have to meet me, we have to see if there’s anything we can do? Rachel’s voice pitched and she dropped her head in her hands.
‘Ok, ok,’ calm down. ‘I’m free tonight. Let’s get everyone together here and we can talk about it. It will be alright Rach. We’ll sort it out.’
‘Ok, thanks Sue. I’m sorry, for freaking out. I hate this.’
‘Sure, I understand. Look, try and concentrate today in work and call the girls. We’ll do something together, it will make it easier.’
'Ok, bye. See you later. About 6 ok at yours?’
‘Yep, perfect, see you then.’
‘Ye it was grand. How was yours?’
‘Em, fine, didn’t really to get up to much. Did you?’
‘No, nothing really. See you later so.’ Kate keep walking and closed the door to her office before Rachel had a chance to catch her breath.
‘Jesus, this is ridiculous,’ thought Rachel frustratingly. ‘What am I going to do?’ She went to her desk and picked up the phone.
‘Hi, it’s me. We need to meet up. I know you said I should take my own advice, but I can’t I’m sorry, I just can’t, please Sue. You and the girls have to meet me, we have to see if there’s anything we can do? Rachel’s voice pitched and she dropped her head in her hands.
‘Ok, ok,’ calm down. ‘I’m free tonight. Let’s get everyone together here and we can talk about it. It will be alright Rach. We’ll sort it out.’
‘Ok, thanks Sue. I’m sorry, for freaking out. I hate this.’
‘Sure, I understand. Look, try and concentrate today in work and call the girls. We’ll do something together, it will make it easier.’
'Ok, bye. See you later. About 6 ok at yours?’
‘Yep, perfect, see you then.’
***
‘Christ I wish she would just leave me alone.’ Kate had purposefully closed the door to her office hoping nobody would disturb her for the rest of the day. She mimicked the questions Rachel had just asked her and found herself getting more annoyed as the day progressed.
‘Ohh, how was your weekend?’
‘How do you think my bloody weekend was?’ was how she’d wanted to answer but instead she had found herself keeping everything in check and hiding everything from Rachel.
‘There’s no point in having us all miserable, is there?’ she asked into the empty expanse of her office.
‘She must hate me,’ and as she allowed the thought of how much her actions were hurting her friends and family come into her head the tears that were always so close to the surface fell in pools onto the walnut desk. But as quickly as they started she stopped them.
‘I can’t, I can’t. I have to keep it together and get through the day,’ Kate turned on her computer and typed in her password to log on before reaching for her bag and fixing her makeup.
‘My outside face,’ she thought as she reapplied powder and tried to cover puffy eyes and swollen lips and looking in her compact mirror she said,
‘I’m sorry Rach, I hope someday you’ll understand why I have to push you away.’
‘Ohh, how was your weekend?’
‘How do you think my bloody weekend was?’ was how she’d wanted to answer but instead she had found herself keeping everything in check and hiding everything from Rachel.
‘There’s no point in having us all miserable, is there?’ she asked into the empty expanse of her office.
‘She must hate me,’ and as she allowed the thought of how much her actions were hurting her friends and family come into her head the tears that were always so close to the surface fell in pools onto the walnut desk. But as quickly as they started she stopped them.
‘I can’t, I can’t. I have to keep it together and get through the day,’ Kate turned on her computer and typed in her password to log on before reaching for her bag and fixing her makeup.
‘My outside face,’ she thought as she reapplied powder and tried to cover puffy eyes and swollen lips and looking in her compact mirror she said,
‘I’m sorry Rach, I hope someday you’ll understand why I have to push you away.’
***
‘I just don’t understand what we’ve done that’s so awful. It’s like nothing before existed, like she barely knows me at times. She came back to work all happy and delighted to see me. we had lunch every day for the first week and then, BAM, nothing. It's freaking me out!’
Sue walked to where Rachel sat at the kitchen table and placed her arms on her shoulders.
‘Listen here, first things first. You, me, the girls, her family, nobody has done anything that’s awful. Well apart from the fuckers who blew Dan and Alex up of course. But we didn’t do anything wrong. She’s just lost babe, she’s lost.’
‘Ye but for christs sake Sue we have to be able to do something. Come on. Now I understand how Jack and Mrs B felt when they called me in November. I was all,
‘Oh just leave her she come around, she needs time.’ They must have wanted to throttle me. ‘No offense,’ Rachel patted Sues hand that was resting on her shoulder and looked up,
‘I know you’re just saying it as you see it but bloody hell I feel like I’m completely useless and I shouldn’t be, we.... ‘she gestured to the group around the table,...... ‘we shouldn’t be. She should be able to lean on us, talk to us, cry with us, not on her own.’ Rachel began to cry softly and Sue did her best to comfort her.
‘Ssh, hey, there’s no need for that. Kelly the kettle has boiled there. Will you make the coffees and teas? Rach, come on,' Sue turned her around to face her.
‘You getting upset like this isn’t going to help anyone. Least of all Kate.’
Rachel sniffled and gratefully took the tissue Claire handed her.
‘Sweetheart, I know what Kate is going through. I’m there. Each morning I wake up and wonder, hope, it was all a bad dream and when I realize it’s not, my heart literally sinks in my chest. But when I feel that, I lie there and think how grateful I am to have Desmond and the kids because at least the house has life in it, happy sounds of the kids going about their day as kids do. Kate doesn’t have any of that. I multiply how I feel by one hundred and I still think I can’t get close to what she must be going through.’ She reached out and touched Rachels hand, covering it with her own and squeezing lightly.
‘She’s just miserable sweetheart, she’s devastated, angry, hurt and alone and she is fighting to keep breathing each moment of the day.’
‘Oh God Cass,’ Rachel started crying again. ‘if that’s meant to make me feel better its’ not working.’
‘No sweetheart, I know. It’s the reality of it though. It's crap any way we put it and no matter how it sounds.’
Silently Kelly set the tea and coffee down and Sue sat beside Rachel rubbing her back as they let her cry it out. Each woman got lost in her own thoughts for a few moments before Kelly spoke.
‘She’s still our Katie you know. I think deep down she knows how much we love her and that we’re here. She’s just not ready to share anything with us. I don’t think that means she loves us any less than before this all happened or that she thinks we do, she’s just not ready to talk.’
Sue began pouring the tea while listening to Kelly speak before smiling at her.
‘You know, I think you’ve hit the nail on the head there Kelly, when did you get to be so philosophical?’
‘Ha, ha, I’ve always been this way, I just hide it well.’
‘Ribbing aside, I think you are right Kelly, doesn’t make it any bloody easier though. Her life is passing her by and she doesn’t seem to care.’
‘No Rach, you’re wrong,’ Claire took a sip of her coffee before continuing.
‘I bet she does care but she doesn’t have the wherewithal right now to do anything about it. Surviving is tough when you’re fighting yourself constantly. She’s trying to run from the pain instead of dealing with it because right now I think if she tried to really feel it she would fall apart.’
Rachel looked at Claire with wide open eyes, the shock registering on her face.
‘Oh God, you’re right, you’re right, so that means when she actually does start do deal with it everything will be even worse!’
‘No, no, maybe not. We can’t know for sure. But, I can pretty much guarantee there’s worse to come.’
Rachel shook her head back and forth, ‘Ah fuck, life sucks sometimes.’
Sue walked to where Rachel sat at the kitchen table and placed her arms on her shoulders.
‘Listen here, first things first. You, me, the girls, her family, nobody has done anything that’s awful. Well apart from the fuckers who blew Dan and Alex up of course. But we didn’t do anything wrong. She’s just lost babe, she’s lost.’
‘Ye but for christs sake Sue we have to be able to do something. Come on. Now I understand how Jack and Mrs B felt when they called me in November. I was all,
‘Oh just leave her she come around, she needs time.’ They must have wanted to throttle me. ‘No offense,’ Rachel patted Sues hand that was resting on her shoulder and looked up,
‘I know you’re just saying it as you see it but bloody hell I feel like I’m completely useless and I shouldn’t be, we.... ‘she gestured to the group around the table,...... ‘we shouldn’t be. She should be able to lean on us, talk to us, cry with us, not on her own.’ Rachel began to cry softly and Sue did her best to comfort her.
‘Ssh, hey, there’s no need for that. Kelly the kettle has boiled there. Will you make the coffees and teas? Rach, come on,' Sue turned her around to face her.
‘You getting upset like this isn’t going to help anyone. Least of all Kate.’
Rachel sniffled and gratefully took the tissue Claire handed her.
‘Sweetheart, I know what Kate is going through. I’m there. Each morning I wake up and wonder, hope, it was all a bad dream and when I realize it’s not, my heart literally sinks in my chest. But when I feel that, I lie there and think how grateful I am to have Desmond and the kids because at least the house has life in it, happy sounds of the kids going about their day as kids do. Kate doesn’t have any of that. I multiply how I feel by one hundred and I still think I can’t get close to what she must be going through.’ She reached out and touched Rachels hand, covering it with her own and squeezing lightly.
‘She’s just miserable sweetheart, she’s devastated, angry, hurt and alone and she is fighting to keep breathing each moment of the day.’
‘Oh God Cass,’ Rachel started crying again. ‘if that’s meant to make me feel better its’ not working.’
‘No sweetheart, I know. It’s the reality of it though. It's crap any way we put it and no matter how it sounds.’
Silently Kelly set the tea and coffee down and Sue sat beside Rachel rubbing her back as they let her cry it out. Each woman got lost in her own thoughts for a few moments before Kelly spoke.
‘She’s still our Katie you know. I think deep down she knows how much we love her and that we’re here. She’s just not ready to share anything with us. I don’t think that means she loves us any less than before this all happened or that she thinks we do, she’s just not ready to talk.’
Sue began pouring the tea while listening to Kelly speak before smiling at her.
‘You know, I think you’ve hit the nail on the head there Kelly, when did you get to be so philosophical?’
‘Ha, ha, I’ve always been this way, I just hide it well.’
‘Ribbing aside, I think you are right Kelly, doesn’t make it any bloody easier though. Her life is passing her by and she doesn’t seem to care.’
‘No Rach, you’re wrong,’ Claire took a sip of her coffee before continuing.
‘I bet she does care but she doesn’t have the wherewithal right now to do anything about it. Surviving is tough when you’re fighting yourself constantly. She’s trying to run from the pain instead of dealing with it because right now I think if she tried to really feel it she would fall apart.’
Rachel looked at Claire with wide open eyes, the shock registering on her face.
‘Oh God, you’re right, you’re right, so that means when she actually does start do deal with it everything will be even worse!’
‘No, no, maybe not. We can’t know for sure. But, I can pretty much guarantee there’s worse to come.’
Rachel shook her head back and forth, ‘Ah fuck, life sucks sometimes.’
***
On the other side of Dublin while her friends were discussing her state of mind Kate was finding solace in a champagne cocktail in the company of a very attractive man by the name of Carl in the Ice bar in the Four Seasons Hotel.
‘Not bad,’ she thought surveying his swagger as he made his way to the bathroom, ‘I think my Monday has just picked up.’
‘Not bad,’ she thought surveying his swagger as he made his way to the bathroom, ‘I think my Monday has just picked up.’
***
Waking up late for work in the company of a man who’s name she couldn’t remember in a hotel room who’s name she couldn’t quite remember either was not what Kate had expected on a Tuesday morning.
‘Fuck, what the hell have I done?’ she thought. ‘Kate Maguire get you’re sorry ass out of her NOW!,’ she grabbed her clothes that were strewn all over the room just before he walked out of the bathroom. ‘Shit, what’s his bloody name?’
‘Hey where are you rushing off too? I thought we could order room service and try out that cowgirl move again?’
She opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out.
‘Oh God, he thinks by me smiling gormlessly at him I want to stay. I have to get out of here.’ Carl had reached her side and was pulling her close for another deep throat session no doubt, suddenly she found her voice and her composure .
‘I’m really sorry, I,…em, I forgot, I’ve an important client to meet today.' Pushing him away gently whilst trying to hold her bundle of creased clothes so that they at least covered some of her modesty.
‘The meeting was moved from yesterday and I completely forgot. I’m so sorry.’ She ignored the disappointment on his face while closing the bathroom door to get dressed. Her reflection in the mirror startled her. Looking back at her were panda eyes, raw cheeks from his stubble, hair stuck to her head on one side and looking like it was taking flight on the other. She tried to tossle it and shake some shape into it using her fingers but it was matted to her head.
‘Oh god no, that’s disgusting,’ she said out loud when she realized. ‘Jesus, look at the state of me.’
Returning to the bedroom she gathered her purse and drew all her strength to walk over to a very naked but obviously annoyed man, who’s name still eluded her, leaned in for a kiss and said.
‘I had a great night, thanks. I wish I could stay but I really do have to go.’
‘I’ll call you Kate, maybe we could get together the next time I’m in town?’
She turned at the door, her hand on the handle,
‘Yes, that would be great.’
‘Just one thing,’ he turned but didn’t walk towards her. Kate smiled sweetly and replied, ‘Yes what is it?’
‘What’s my name?’
She laughed then, she couldn’t really help it as the absurdity hit her and she walked away without a backward glance.
‘Fuck, what the hell have I done?’ she thought. ‘Kate Maguire get you’re sorry ass out of her NOW!,’ she grabbed her clothes that were strewn all over the room just before he walked out of the bathroom. ‘Shit, what’s his bloody name?’
‘Hey where are you rushing off too? I thought we could order room service and try out that cowgirl move again?’
She opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out.
‘Oh God, he thinks by me smiling gormlessly at him I want to stay. I have to get out of here.’ Carl had reached her side and was pulling her close for another deep throat session no doubt, suddenly she found her voice and her composure .
‘I’m really sorry, I,…em, I forgot, I’ve an important client to meet today.' Pushing him away gently whilst trying to hold her bundle of creased clothes so that they at least covered some of her modesty.
‘The meeting was moved from yesterday and I completely forgot. I’m so sorry.’ She ignored the disappointment on his face while closing the bathroom door to get dressed. Her reflection in the mirror startled her. Looking back at her were panda eyes, raw cheeks from his stubble, hair stuck to her head on one side and looking like it was taking flight on the other. She tried to tossle it and shake some shape into it using her fingers but it was matted to her head.
‘Oh god no, that’s disgusting,’ she said out loud when she realized. ‘Jesus, look at the state of me.’
Returning to the bedroom she gathered her purse and drew all her strength to walk over to a very naked but obviously annoyed man, who’s name still eluded her, leaned in for a kiss and said.
‘I had a great night, thanks. I wish I could stay but I really do have to go.’
‘I’ll call you Kate, maybe we could get together the next time I’m in town?’
She turned at the door, her hand on the handle,
‘Yes, that would be great.’
‘Just one thing,’ he turned but didn’t walk towards her. Kate smiled sweetly and replied, ‘Yes what is it?’
‘What’s my name?’
She laughed then, she couldn’t really help it as the absurdity hit her and she walked away without a backward glance.
***
Later that day Kate was in work and decided to try to make amends with Rachel. She walked to her desk and found Rachel thralling the internet for holiday specials in the sun.
‘Hey.’
Rachel looked up surprised.
‘Hey, what’s wrong?’
‘Nothing’s wrong, I just wondered if maybe you were free to grab a bite to eat after work tonight?’
Rachel couldn’t hide the shock that registered on her face,
‘I, em, would love to, but I have a date.’
‘Oh, no problem, another time so.’
Kate walked off quickly feeling awkward and uncomfortable.
‘I didn’t even ask her who the date was with. Jesus I’m a terrible friend. But I don’t even know if she’d tell me. I’ve been so short with her…’ her meanderings were interrupted as Rachel caught up to her.
‘How about tomorrow night? I’m free then. I just don’t want to stand this guy up tonight, he’s cute and I really like him.’
Relief washed over her as she heard Rachel speak.
‘She’s not annoyed with me, oh thank you, thank you.’
‘Tomorrow would be great, my treat. You pick the place?’
‘Sounds good, thanks Kate it’s been too long.’
‘Ye, it has.’ They both returned to their desks happy that life was getting back on track.
‘Hey.’
Rachel looked up surprised.
‘Hey, what’s wrong?’
‘Nothing’s wrong, I just wondered if maybe you were free to grab a bite to eat after work tonight?’
Rachel couldn’t hide the shock that registered on her face,
‘I, em, would love to, but I have a date.’
‘Oh, no problem, another time so.’
Kate walked off quickly feeling awkward and uncomfortable.
‘I didn’t even ask her who the date was with. Jesus I’m a terrible friend. But I don’t even know if she’d tell me. I’ve been so short with her…’ her meanderings were interrupted as Rachel caught up to her.
‘How about tomorrow night? I’m free then. I just don’t want to stand this guy up tonight, he’s cute and I really like him.’
Relief washed over her as she heard Rachel speak.
‘She’s not annoyed with me, oh thank you, thank you.’
‘Tomorrow would be great, my treat. You pick the place?’
‘Sounds good, thanks Kate it’s been too long.’
‘Ye, it has.’ They both returned to their desks happy that life was getting back on track.
***
Speaking in a whisper Rachel relayed what had happened to Sue. ‘……..Ye, she asked me……I know, I couldn’t believe it myself….Look I have to go, old poker face Eugene is barreling down on me. Talk to you later Sue…..Oh ye, will do, I’m soo excited.Byeee.’
***
Rachel walked into Kates office at the end of work the following evening. ‘Ready to go?’
‘Ye, just give me one minute to finish off this email and I’m ready to rock. Where are we going by the way? Should I be bringing gold or platinum cards?’
Rachel felt as if the last few months had never happened as the good natured banter between the two of them continued like old times.
‘Oh it’s a platinum night girlfriend. We have a reservation in Blue for 8pm and prior to that we are having cocktails in the Shelbourne bar.’
‘Bloody hell, next time I say I’m paying, I’m also going to pick the venue. After tonight it will be McDonalds for a month.’ But Kate was laughing as she logged off her computer and stood to grab her bag from under her desk.
‘I better do something with this face so,’ she said taking her trench from behind the door.
‘Oh you’re wearing the scarf I got you. ‘Rachel smiled companionably when she realized.
‘Well, I thought it was appropriate to show my mate I have appreciated the little things she has done for me even if I’m really crap at showing it sometimes.’ Kate was walking ahead to the bathrooms as she spoke and Rachel caught up with her as they reached the bathroom door.
‘Don’t worry I’ll make sure tonight costs you so much money you won’t be able to afford to shut me out again.’ She laughed as she held open the door for Kate.
‘Ye, just give me one minute to finish off this email and I’m ready to rock. Where are we going by the way? Should I be bringing gold or platinum cards?’
Rachel felt as if the last few months had never happened as the good natured banter between the two of them continued like old times.
‘Oh it’s a platinum night girlfriend. We have a reservation in Blue for 8pm and prior to that we are having cocktails in the Shelbourne bar.’
‘Bloody hell, next time I say I’m paying, I’m also going to pick the venue. After tonight it will be McDonalds for a month.’ But Kate was laughing as she logged off her computer and stood to grab her bag from under her desk.
‘I better do something with this face so,’ she said taking her trench from behind the door.
‘Oh you’re wearing the scarf I got you. ‘Rachel smiled companionably when she realized.
‘Well, I thought it was appropriate to show my mate I have appreciated the little things she has done for me even if I’m really crap at showing it sometimes.’ Kate was walking ahead to the bathrooms as she spoke and Rachel caught up with her as they reached the bathroom door.
‘Don’t worry I’ll make sure tonight costs you so much money you won’t be able to afford to shut me out again.’ She laughed as she held open the door for Kate.
***
After delicious Mojitos in the Shelbourne bar Kate and Rachel were feeling like the two singles girls they use to be before everything became so complicated, although as Rachel pointed out at least they could afford to drink here now rather than relying on blagging drinks from the business men holding up the bar.They made their way to Blue where they were seated in the waiting area and offered a pre dinner drink.
‘I think a bottle of Louis Roderer Rose would be lovely please.’ Rachel hid her smile, ‘We’re celebrating.’
‘Oh how lovely,’ said the waitress. ‘A special occasion?’
‘Ye, friendship.’ Both girls smiled at each other while the waitress headed off to get the two cooky ‘friends’ a bottle of champagne. ‘It takes all sorts,’ she thought to herself.
While they were waiting Kate remembered Rachel had a date the night before.
‘Well, tell me how did last night go?’
‘Ye it was good.’
Noting the disappointment in her voice Kate leaned forward to wait for more information. When none was forthcoming she spoke.
‘Good? Not great? But you said you liked him, he was cute? What happened?’
‘It’s what didn’t happen.’ Said Rachel disappointedly and tossed up the pros and cons in her head of telling Kate.
‘Oh to hell with it I need to talk to someone.’
‘I just, well, we didn’t sleep together and I really, really wanted to.’
Confused Kate began to speak but before she could the waitress returned with their Champagne, went through the ritual of showing the label to Kate and on her nod of approval, opening, pouring, tasting and filling their glasses before leaving them to continue their conversation.
Rachel was the first to speak when the waitress left.
‘I couldn’t bring myself to get naked with him. I really wanted to, God Kate, I mean I really wanted to, he is so hot, his body is to die for, his, his….,see I still want him, but I messed it all up and now he doesn’t want to see me again and it’s all a big mess.’
‘Holy crap Rach, you can’t have messed it up that much surely? If you wanted to sleep with him why didn’t you? Are you meant to be saving yourself or something?’
‘Ha, Ha, very funny, I think It’s way past the point of no return there. No I just, well I….,’
‘Excuse me ladies your table is ready.’ The waitress interrupted them as she gathered their Champagne bucket and glasses and showed them to their table. ‘Your waiter will be along in a moment.’
‘Thankyou.’ They said in unison. Kate jumped right in as soon as the waitress was out of earshot.
‘So, why didn’t you?’
‘I just don’t feel comfortable getting naked with a guy anymore since I put on weight. I feel fat and ugly and all these thoughts race through my head when I think about him laying his hands on me and reaching my stomach and my thighs. Visions of him sneakily telling his mates he got to bang the ‘fat girl’ and getting high fived because he ticked another ‘thing to do’ off his list come to mind and I just freak out.’
‘Wow, that’s a lot of thinking to be doing when you’re meant to be relaxing and having a leisurely shag.’
‘I know, I know, and I kept trying to tell myself that aswell. But each time I said relax, another side of my brain was like, oh no you don’t, you’re too fat for him to really want to shag you. He’s going to be repulsed when you take your clothes off and he’ll fain illness or something and make excuses to leave and then you’ll feel ten times worse.’
Kate listened as Rachel poured out her heart and felt so sorry for her. She was shocked to hear that Rachel had all these insecurities she had no idea about. Well, she knew she didn’t like to put on weight. But Rachel’s weight yo-yoed all the time. Kate presumed Rachel was fine with it.
‘So what makes you think he won’t want to see you again?’
‘Perhaps it’s the fact that I haven’t heard from him at all today? Or maybe the fact that he probably thinks I’m a complete tease for leading him on and then rushing home like Cinderella? Take your pick.’ Rachel picked up her champagne flute and knocked back the contents before reaching for the bottle.
Kate smiled at her friend. Rachel looked confused and was about to speak when Kate did.
‘Rachel I think that maybe, just maybe, you may be a little paranoid about this guy. He obviously liked you enough to ask you out, and you obviously got on really well to get to the point where the whole, ‘do you want to come back for coffee?’ conversation happened, so maybe, and this is just speculation mind, you’re over analyzing this a bit too much?’
Rachel laughed at Kate and shook her head.
‘Ok, ok I get it. Maybe I am, but, well, I like him, I want to be able to get naked with him and I really want him to know that!’
‘Did you kiss him?’
‘I’m not a complete idiot, of course I kissed him. He even got a ‘Rachel Special.’
‘Well then let me tell you,’ said Kate laughing, ‘that guy is done for. He will definitely be calling you for another date.’
‘Ok, maybe you’re right. I was fairly spectacular,’ said Rachel reaching for her Champagne flute.
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