Chapter 28
‘Why don’t you change your mind and come to Spain this year with us to mark the anniversary? It’s not too late you know’ The summer sun was high in the sky and Jack was ready to beg his daughter if he had to.
‘I understand not being able to make the trip last year. But you need to at least try to travel again.’ Jack was walking in the Phoenix Park with Kate. A favourite spot since she was a child. The fact that they had been coming since she was a baby to visit the zoo or the playgrounds probably helped make her feel a sense of calm and peace whenever she came here.
She in turn had brought Alex here a lot and so there were many good memories enveloping her as she strolled.
‘I don’t want to Dad. I still don’t think I could fly and I certainly don’t want to see the place they were taken away from me. I want to stay here in Ireland where I feel safe. In the house I shared with them, where all the memories are good and true’. She bowed her head.
‘I’ll mark the day in my own way just hopefully better than last year.’
‘You might be surprised how much it helps you Katie. Your Mum and I both got a tremendous amount of peace from going last year. Everyone else there has lost loved ones too. You could gain a lot of support. It’s always good to speak to people who have gone through something like this. They understand your pain.’
‘I don’t think I understand my pain Dad. The last two years I’ve seen a different side to myself, one I don’t particularly like. How can losing two of the most important people in your life turn you into someone you never were? I don’t understand that?’
‘Maybe you don’t need to understand it Katie. Maybe you just need to accept that is how you dealt with the unbearable sadness and shock. And maybe you need to be gentler with yourself now and move on without fault or blame.’
‘But I behaved appallingly. I was obnoxious to you and Mum. My god I hate to think of the all the nights poor Rachel had to pour me into the bed, too drunk to even take my own clothes off. The stuff I did to her…… I’m embarrassed just thinking of it now.’ Kate kicked a pebble on the ground.
‘Love, that’s nothing compared to what you could have done’ Jack laughed. ‘Hey, we understand more than you give us credit for. Chalk it all down to experience love and move on. You’ve had punishment enough’.
After a long silence Kate spoke,
‘Maybe you’re right, maybe it’s time.’
She said it so low Jack had to strain to hear. ‘
Did I hear you right?’ he felt the excitement build. ‘Are you going to come?’
‘Yes’ she couldn’t help smile. ‘I’m going to come. It’s time I laid these ghosts to rest. Rach was right, she said I’d know what feels right in my gut when the time came. The time has come Dad.’
Jack took her hand and squeezed it.
‘You won’t regret it love. It will be tough, but believe me it will be an enormous help to you. You have no idea how much.’
He grabbed hold of Kate and hugged her tight.
‘This is a big step Katie, I’m so proud of you.’
Jack beamed as they walked in silence through the park.
‘I understand not being able to make the trip last year. But you need to at least try to travel again.’ Jack was walking in the Phoenix Park with Kate. A favourite spot since she was a child. The fact that they had been coming since she was a baby to visit the zoo or the playgrounds probably helped make her feel a sense of calm and peace whenever she came here.
She in turn had brought Alex here a lot and so there were many good memories enveloping her as she strolled.
‘I don’t want to Dad. I still don’t think I could fly and I certainly don’t want to see the place they were taken away from me. I want to stay here in Ireland where I feel safe. In the house I shared with them, where all the memories are good and true’. She bowed her head.
‘I’ll mark the day in my own way just hopefully better than last year.’
‘You might be surprised how much it helps you Katie. Your Mum and I both got a tremendous amount of peace from going last year. Everyone else there has lost loved ones too. You could gain a lot of support. It’s always good to speak to people who have gone through something like this. They understand your pain.’
‘I don’t think I understand my pain Dad. The last two years I’ve seen a different side to myself, one I don’t particularly like. How can losing two of the most important people in your life turn you into someone you never were? I don’t understand that?’
‘Maybe you don’t need to understand it Katie. Maybe you just need to accept that is how you dealt with the unbearable sadness and shock. And maybe you need to be gentler with yourself now and move on without fault or blame.’
‘But I behaved appallingly. I was obnoxious to you and Mum. My god I hate to think of the all the nights poor Rachel had to pour me into the bed, too drunk to even take my own clothes off. The stuff I did to her…… I’m embarrassed just thinking of it now.’ Kate kicked a pebble on the ground.
‘Love, that’s nothing compared to what you could have done’ Jack laughed. ‘Hey, we understand more than you give us credit for. Chalk it all down to experience love and move on. You’ve had punishment enough’.
After a long silence Kate spoke,
‘Maybe you’re right, maybe it’s time.’
She said it so low Jack had to strain to hear. ‘
Did I hear you right?’ he felt the excitement build. ‘Are you going to come?’
‘Yes’ she couldn’t help smile. ‘I’m going to come. It’s time I laid these ghosts to rest. Rach was right, she said I’d know what feels right in my gut when the time came. The time has come Dad.’
Jack took her hand and squeezed it.
‘You won’t regret it love. It will be tough, but believe me it will be an enormous help to you. You have no idea how much.’
He grabbed hold of Kate and hugged her tight.
‘This is a big step Katie, I’m so proud of you.’
Jack beamed as they walked in silence through the park.
***
Before she left for Spain Kate had one important thing to do.
‘James, it’s me.’ She held the phone tightly with both hands.
‘Is everything alright babe? What’s up? Thought we agreed we’d meet at yours tonight? It’s been soo long .’
‘There’s been a change of plan.’
‘Oh, where we going so?’ he asked expectantly.
‘Nowhere James, we aren’t going anywhere. It’s over.’
‘What do you mean ‘it’s over’. Something must have happened. How about I pop over tonight and discuss it in bed?’
‘That’s not going to happen. I’m sorry. I truly am. But I should never have started this thing with you. It’s wrong. You’re a married man you belong with your wife and family. I can’t believe I ever thought it was okay to do this.’
‘James, it’s me.’ She held the phone tightly with both hands.
‘Is everything alright babe? What’s up? Thought we agreed we’d meet at yours tonight? It’s been soo long .’
‘There’s been a change of plan.’
‘Oh, where we going so?’ he asked expectantly.
‘Nowhere James, we aren’t going anywhere. It’s over.’
‘What do you mean ‘it’s over’. Something must have happened. How about I pop over tonight and discuss it in bed?’
‘That’s not going to happen. I’m sorry. I truly am. But I should never have started this thing with you. It’s wrong. You’re a married man you belong with your wife and family. I can’t believe I ever thought it was okay to do this.’
‘Just like that? We’re having a bit of fun and then suddenly you get a conscience? How very bloody convenient. And don’t pull the ‘you’re a married man crap on me. I never hid that from you.’
‘Don’t be like that James.’ Kate was upset. ‘I thought it was what I wanted but I know now it isn’t. Things have changed. I’m trying to get my life together.’
‘You’ll regret this babe…. Don’t come runnin to me when you realize it….. I’ll have moved on. See you ‘round Kate’ James slammed down the phone.
‘Don’t be like that James.’ Kate was upset. ‘I thought it was what I wanted but I know now it isn’t. Things have changed. I’m trying to get my life together.’
‘You’ll regret this babe…. Don’t come runnin to me when you realize it….. I’ll have moved on. See you ‘round Kate’ James slammed down the phone.
***
‘Marge I’d would like to think we could be adults about this?’
‘Really Jeremy? Adults? Is that what you call it when you walk out on a marriage after 40 years without a….’
‘STOP WOMAN! Just STOP!..’
‘Jeremy how dare you!’
She heard the front door slamming before she finished the sentence.
Outside his old home Jeremy stood on the porch step furious with Marge for starting at him again, but more annoyed at himself for still letting her get to him.
‘Why the hell did I do that, now I have to go back in there and apologise or else I’ll never hear the end of it. Damn it, damn it. He punched his fisted hands into his pockets like a scolded school boy and turned to face the music.
‘Here goes,’ he thought as he rang the bell and waited patiently for Marge to answer. ‘Shit, shit, double shit..’
The door opened and the stern unapologetic face of Marge starring back at him did nothing to help ease his nerves.
‘I, uh, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have walked out. Can I come back in and finish our
‘Really Jeremy? Adults? Is that what you call it when you walk out on a marriage after 40 years without a….’
‘STOP WOMAN! Just STOP!..’
‘Jeremy how dare you!’
She heard the front door slamming before she finished the sentence.
Outside his old home Jeremy stood on the porch step furious with Marge for starting at him again, but more annoyed at himself for still letting her get to him.
‘Why the hell did I do that, now I have to go back in there and apologise or else I’ll never hear the end of it. Damn it, damn it. He punched his fisted hands into his pockets like a scolded school boy and turned to face the music.
‘Here goes,’ he thought as he rang the bell and waited patiently for Marge to answer. ‘Shit, shit, double shit..’
The door opened and the stern unapologetic face of Marge starring back at him did nothing to help ease his nerves.
‘I, uh, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have walked out. Can I come back in and finish our
conversation?’
Marge folded her arms and studied him.
‘There’s nothing we have to say anymore to each other Jeremy.’
‘But Marge, I’m asking you to come with me to Spain for the anniversary, with Rose and Jack aswell. Even Kate is going this year. We all feel it will help.’
‘Really? You all feel it will help?’ The sarcastic tone wasn’t lost on Jeremy. ‘Help who exactly? It won’t help bring my son, grandson or even my husband back so it won’t help me Jeremy. I won’t be going. Good day.’
When she slammed the door in his face he could hardly believe it.
‘That’s the Marge I married, head strong and fire willed. Pity it was targeted at me for so many years,’ he thought as he walked towards his car.
‘Nothing else for me to do here, at least I tried.’
Marge folded her arms and studied him.
‘There’s nothing we have to say anymore to each other Jeremy.’
‘But Marge, I’m asking you to come with me to Spain for the anniversary, with Rose and Jack aswell. Even Kate is going this year. We all feel it will help.’
‘Really? You all feel it will help?’ The sarcastic tone wasn’t lost on Jeremy. ‘Help who exactly? It won’t help bring my son, grandson or even my husband back so it won’t help me Jeremy. I won’t be going. Good day.’
When she slammed the door in his face he could hardly believe it.
‘That’s the Marge I married, head strong and fire willed. Pity it was targeted at me for so many years,’ he thought as he walked towards his car.
‘Nothing else for me to do here, at least I tried.’
***
Rose decided she had to try one more time as much for Marges sake as her own.
‘Marge, really. It would be wonderful if you could come with is. A united family front. You’re an important part of that no matter what the situation with Jeremy and yourself is.’
‘Rose, honestly, if I have to spend one more minute of my life in the company of that man it will be too long. I don’t know him anymore and quite frankly his behavior has appalled me.’ Without taking a breath she continued.
‘Do you know that not one of the couples from the club have taken my side? Oh the women have called around, just to get the latest gossip don’t you know. But I hear they are all still hanging on Jeremys’ every word down there. Quite the little entertainer I believe. And Ann Margaret has filled me in on the new bit on the side. Very mutton dressed as lamb she said.
‘Marge, really. It would be wonderful if you could come with is. A united family front. You’re an important part of that no matter what the situation with Jeremy and yourself is.’
‘Rose, honestly, if I have to spend one more minute of my life in the company of that man it will be too long. I don’t know him anymore and quite frankly his behavior has appalled me.’ Without taking a breath she continued.
‘Do you know that not one of the couples from the club have taken my side? Oh the women have called around, just to get the latest gossip don’t you know. But I hear they are all still hanging on Jeremys’ every word down there. Quite the little entertainer I believe. And Ann Margaret has filled me in on the new bit on the side. Very mutton dressed as lamb she said.
You know Ann Margaret says she wouldn’t be surprised if that Barbara one moved on to another one of those gullible fools as soon as she tires of Jeremy.’
Before Rose could get a word in Marge went on.
‘Wouldn’t surprise me if she hasn’t already. Well let me tell you something, I won’t be waiting here crying into my soup hoping for Mr Jeremy MaGuire to come sauntering back into my life. The man has made a fool of me once and he shan’t get an opportunity to do it again.’ While Marge took a breath Rose took the opportunity to speak.
‘Marge, I understand, completely. And I think it’s very brave of you to decide you would never have him back. Good for you. Those golf club set aren’t worth your anger anyhow. You know who your friends are and I think it’s great that your bridge friends are there for you. But being angry at Jeremy doesn’t mean you should miss out on an opportunity to honour Dan and Alex.’
The silence at the end of the phone had Rose wondering if she had gone too far. Marge spoke again.
‘Rose…’ she paused. ‘I can’t. I just can’t. I loved Dan and Alex so much, and my heart is shattered. Nothing will ever fix it. Going there will only compound that hurt for me. But thank you for your concern. I really do appreciate it.’
Rose felt so much pity for Marge but in that moment as she spoke she also realized that her words although comforting would never penetrate that coat of armour Marge had encased herself in.
‘I understand. Marge you know where we are if you ever need us. Please don’t ever feel because we are friends with Jeremy that we are not your friend too. Look after yourself. I’ll see you at bridge next Tuesday?’
‘Thank you Rose. Yes you will. I’ll see you then.’
Rose hung up the phone and felt no better for having made the call.
‘In fact,’ she thought, ‘I think I may feel worse.’
Before Rose could get a word in Marge went on.
‘Wouldn’t surprise me if she hasn’t already. Well let me tell you something, I won’t be waiting here crying into my soup hoping for Mr Jeremy MaGuire to come sauntering back into my life. The man has made a fool of me once and he shan’t get an opportunity to do it again.’ While Marge took a breath Rose took the opportunity to speak.
‘Marge, I understand, completely. And I think it’s very brave of you to decide you would never have him back. Good for you. Those golf club set aren’t worth your anger anyhow. You know who your friends are and I think it’s great that your bridge friends are there for you. But being angry at Jeremy doesn’t mean you should miss out on an opportunity to honour Dan and Alex.’
The silence at the end of the phone had Rose wondering if she had gone too far. Marge spoke again.
‘Rose…’ she paused. ‘I can’t. I just can’t. I loved Dan and Alex so much, and my heart is shattered. Nothing will ever fix it. Going there will only compound that hurt for me. But thank you for your concern. I really do appreciate it.’
Rose felt so much pity for Marge but in that moment as she spoke she also realized that her words although comforting would never penetrate that coat of armour Marge had encased herself in.
‘I understand. Marge you know where we are if you ever need us. Please don’t ever feel because we are friends with Jeremy that we are not your friend too. Look after yourself. I’ll see you at bridge next Tuesday?’
‘Thank you Rose. Yes you will. I’ll see you then.’
Rose hung up the phone and felt no better for having made the call.
‘In fact,’ she thought, ‘I think I may feel worse.’
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