Chapter 19
Rachel was delighted with what she felt was the turn around in Kates’ behavior. When she talked to Jack and Mrs B she said as much to them. But Jack was hesitant to believe things could be as good as Rachel said particularly in the light of the fact that the 1st anniversary was fast approaching.
‘Do you think she will go with you?’ Rachel asked.
‘Taking into consideration that she hasn’t been near a plane since she arrived home, that she won’t even meet with myself and Jeremy and the detectives when we get the updates from Spain, I would say the likelyhood is very, very slim indeed.
‘Would you like me to test the waters Jack? She and I are getting on fairly well at the moment.’
‘I appreciate that Rachel, but your know yourself, she can change in a heartbeat and I want to talk to her myself. I’ll let you know how I get on.’
‘Well, ok, if you think that’s best. I better get going Mam is cooking lunch for the gang and I darn’t be late for one of Mauras’ Sunday Roasts!’
Rose and Jack walked Rachel to the door.
‘Enjoy your day with your family. Give your folks our best, won’t you?’
‘I will, good luck and take care.’
Rachel removed her sunglasses from her head before she got into the car. She was really looking forward to an afternoon in her mother’s garden, with her nieces and nephews running around at her feet. She couldn’t help thinking that maybe Jack was right to be cautious about talking to Kate. She really hoped it went alright. She would just have to wait and see.
‘Do you think she will go with you?’ Rachel asked.
‘Taking into consideration that she hasn’t been near a plane since she arrived home, that she won’t even meet with myself and Jeremy and the detectives when we get the updates from Spain, I would say the likelyhood is very, very slim indeed.
‘Would you like me to test the waters Jack? She and I are getting on fairly well at the moment.’
‘I appreciate that Rachel, but your know yourself, she can change in a heartbeat and I want to talk to her myself. I’ll let you know how I get on.’
‘Well, ok, if you think that’s best. I better get going Mam is cooking lunch for the gang and I darn’t be late for one of Mauras’ Sunday Roasts!’
Rose and Jack walked Rachel to the door.
‘Enjoy your day with your family. Give your folks our best, won’t you?’
‘I will, good luck and take care.’
Rachel removed her sunglasses from her head before she got into the car. She was really looking forward to an afternoon in her mother’s garden, with her nieces and nephews running around at her feet. She couldn’t help thinking that maybe Jack was right to be cautious about talking to Kate. She really hoped it went alright. She would just have to wait and see.
***
Jack didn’t relish the conversation he needed to have with Kate. Her erratic behavior did not instill any confidence in him. But, he knew he couldn’t put it off any longer. The week before the first anniversary things came to a head. As he suspected Kate went on the complete attack when he dared to bring up her attendance at the memorial service.
‘Dad, for the last time leave me the hell alone. I am not going to Spain and that’s the final word on it.’ Kate slammed her fist on the kitchen table to emphasise her point. But Jack couldn’t keep it in check any longer. He had enough of Kates self pity an wildly unpredictable behavior.
‘Kate you are been selfish and thoughtless. You want those responsible for their death to be caught yet you refuse to do anything to help that cause. You should be at the memorial to show a united front against these terrorists.’
‘I shouldn’t’ be anywhere I don’t want to be. And I don’t think it’s selfish or thoughtless of me not to want to go visit the site where my son and husband were blown to smithereens. In fact I think it’s called self preservation. You see the difference between you and me,’ she pointed at her Dad, ‘is that I don’t care what other people think! I live my life according to my rules and to hell with everybody else,’ Kate was screaming now.
‘And you don’t think that’s not selfish? Jack asked indignantly. Shaking his head he sat back down at her kitchen table and put his head in his hands.
‘How the hell is that selfish? Everyone is out for themselves in this world anyway.’
‘That is just plain nasty Kate and a horrible perception to have of the world. Quite frankly it’s also bullshit! Do you think I’ve spent the last year going back and forth to Spain, taking time from my schedule because I only think of myself?’ Jack stood again, both hands resting on the table he looked directly at his daughter his anger palpable.
‘What about all those other people who have given their free time to keep the website going, take donations, make up posters and thrall through the investigative reports? What about them? Are they just out for themselves too? You selfish little girl,’ Jack couldn’t contain his anger any longer.
‘You have no idea what people have done for you and all you can say is you don’t care,’ he spat the words.
‘I really thought we had brought you up better than this child, I really did.’ Jack shook his head and walked towards the door to the hall. Turning he looked back to where Kate stood at the table, her head bowed.
‘I know you’re hurting Kate, but all of us lost someone we loved that day, you don’t have a monopoly on the pain.’
She heard the door slam.
Kate tried to catch her breath as her dads words echoed around her empty lonely house. Since she had lost them she found it hard at times to breath. She found herself having to think about her next breath almost as if she didn’t she would just stop. The feelings in the pit of her stomach once again turned and twisted her insides until she thought she would be sick. Trying to consciously breath the churning eventually stopped and the rising panic started to subside as she reached to pour herself a straight vodka. She kept it in the freezer now as somebody had said it doesn’t freeze over and the sharp coldness helped to gulp it down faster to get the relief she needed.
‘Dad, for the last time leave me the hell alone. I am not going to Spain and that’s the final word on it.’ Kate slammed her fist on the kitchen table to emphasise her point. But Jack couldn’t keep it in check any longer. He had enough of Kates self pity an wildly unpredictable behavior.
‘Kate you are been selfish and thoughtless. You want those responsible for their death to be caught yet you refuse to do anything to help that cause. You should be at the memorial to show a united front against these terrorists.’
‘I shouldn’t’ be anywhere I don’t want to be. And I don’t think it’s selfish or thoughtless of me not to want to go visit the site where my son and husband were blown to smithereens. In fact I think it’s called self preservation. You see the difference between you and me,’ she pointed at her Dad, ‘is that I don’t care what other people think! I live my life according to my rules and to hell with everybody else,’ Kate was screaming now.
‘And you don’t think that’s not selfish? Jack asked indignantly. Shaking his head he sat back down at her kitchen table and put his head in his hands.
‘How the hell is that selfish? Everyone is out for themselves in this world anyway.’
‘That is just plain nasty Kate and a horrible perception to have of the world. Quite frankly it’s also bullshit! Do you think I’ve spent the last year going back and forth to Spain, taking time from my schedule because I only think of myself?’ Jack stood again, both hands resting on the table he looked directly at his daughter his anger palpable.
‘What about all those other people who have given their free time to keep the website going, take donations, make up posters and thrall through the investigative reports? What about them? Are they just out for themselves too? You selfish little girl,’ Jack couldn’t contain his anger any longer.
‘You have no idea what people have done for you and all you can say is you don’t care,’ he spat the words.
‘I really thought we had brought you up better than this child, I really did.’ Jack shook his head and walked towards the door to the hall. Turning he looked back to where Kate stood at the table, her head bowed.
‘I know you’re hurting Kate, but all of us lost someone we loved that day, you don’t have a monopoly on the pain.’
She heard the door slam.
Kate tried to catch her breath as her dads words echoed around her empty lonely house. Since she had lost them she found it hard at times to breath. She found herself having to think about her next breath almost as if she didn’t she would just stop. The feelings in the pit of her stomach once again turned and twisted her insides until she thought she would be sick. Trying to consciously breath the churning eventually stopped and the rising panic started to subside as she reached to pour herself a straight vodka. She kept it in the freezer now as somebody had said it doesn’t freeze over and the sharp coldness helped to gulp it down faster to get the relief she needed.
***
Jack, Rose and Jeremy left for the first anniversary commemorations a few days later. Kate still hadn’t changed her mind. Marge had decided to stay at home as well. She felt unable to contend with it all considering her and Jeremy’s ‘predictament’ as she put it.
The day of the anniversary Rachel arrived to Kate’s house early in the morning. She was very aware that Kate was going to find this day extremely difficult. She was also aware that Kate wouldn’t welcome her visit but she was prepared for that showdown, she hoped.
Knocking tentatively on the front door Rachel waited patiently for Kate to answer. After a few minutes, numerous rings on the doorbell and wraps on the door she decided to try the back door. The side gate was unlocked as Rachel knew it would be. She wasn’t prepared for what she found. Kate was in the back garden, or what was left of it. Kate looked like somebody possessed as she floundered around the garden in her dressing gown and bare feet just before she fell to the ground.
A half empty bottle of vodka stood on the garden table and the glass which was obviously meant to hold the clear spirit was lying on the grass in a mud pile.
Kate had risen earlier that morning after a fitful night’s sleep. The enormity of the day had hit her like a train when she had gotten her bearings and as she had stood looking out her bedroom window it was the tree house that Dan had built Alex for his fourth birthday standing proud and empty in the big Ash tree at the end of the garden that had set her off. It was the same one Alex had fallen out of and broken his arm. She had rushed downstairs and grabbed the bottle and glass on her way out the back door, passing the swing set which was rusting now from lack of care.
As she had drained and refilled each glass she circled the garden and was choked by the memories intertwined with each plant. She felt the anger well up and take over. When this happened Kate always felt like someone else took over her body. Her head went fuzzy and she couldn’t control herself. The sweet pea Dan and her had planted only last year had caught her eye and she ran towards it and pulled the colourful flowers from the bed by their roots. Next were the dahlias shining innocently in the sun. They were ripped from the ground, next was the hollyhocks then the delphiniums, the cherry tree they planted to mark the day Alex was born was next. And so by the time Rachel arrived Kate had collapsed in a ball at the end of her once beautiful garden keening softly and holding her legs tight to her chest. Mumbling over and over ‘I want you back, I want you back.’ Rachel ran to her and putting both arms around her whispered, ‘it’s okay, you’ll be okay.’ Kate pressed her head against Rachel’s arm as she held tightly to her and cried, repeating the same mantra over and over and over again.
‘I want you back. I want you back.’
After what seemed an eternity and when the tears had dried Rachel gently helped Kate off the ground. Kate had stopped repeating herself but she was exhausted and completely drained. Rachel helped her into the house and upstairs where she gently coaxed her into the bed and sat on the side of it rubbing her hair and gently repeating her own mantra now.
‘You’ll be okay, You’ll be okay.’
The day of the anniversary Rachel arrived to Kate’s house early in the morning. She was very aware that Kate was going to find this day extremely difficult. She was also aware that Kate wouldn’t welcome her visit but she was prepared for that showdown, she hoped.
Knocking tentatively on the front door Rachel waited patiently for Kate to answer. After a few minutes, numerous rings on the doorbell and wraps on the door she decided to try the back door. The side gate was unlocked as Rachel knew it would be. She wasn’t prepared for what she found. Kate was in the back garden, or what was left of it. Kate looked like somebody possessed as she floundered around the garden in her dressing gown and bare feet just before she fell to the ground.
A half empty bottle of vodka stood on the garden table and the glass which was obviously meant to hold the clear spirit was lying on the grass in a mud pile.
Kate had risen earlier that morning after a fitful night’s sleep. The enormity of the day had hit her like a train when she had gotten her bearings and as she had stood looking out her bedroom window it was the tree house that Dan had built Alex for his fourth birthday standing proud and empty in the big Ash tree at the end of the garden that had set her off. It was the same one Alex had fallen out of and broken his arm. She had rushed downstairs and grabbed the bottle and glass on her way out the back door, passing the swing set which was rusting now from lack of care.
As she had drained and refilled each glass she circled the garden and was choked by the memories intertwined with each plant. She felt the anger well up and take over. When this happened Kate always felt like someone else took over her body. Her head went fuzzy and she couldn’t control herself. The sweet pea Dan and her had planted only last year had caught her eye and she ran towards it and pulled the colourful flowers from the bed by their roots. Next were the dahlias shining innocently in the sun. They were ripped from the ground, next was the hollyhocks then the delphiniums, the cherry tree they planted to mark the day Alex was born was next. And so by the time Rachel arrived Kate had collapsed in a ball at the end of her once beautiful garden keening softly and holding her legs tight to her chest. Mumbling over and over ‘I want you back, I want you back.’ Rachel ran to her and putting both arms around her whispered, ‘it’s okay, you’ll be okay.’ Kate pressed her head against Rachel’s arm as she held tightly to her and cried, repeating the same mantra over and over and over again.
‘I want you back. I want you back.’
After what seemed an eternity and when the tears had dried Rachel gently helped Kate off the ground. Kate had stopped repeating herself but she was exhausted and completely drained. Rachel helped her into the house and upstairs where she gently coaxed her into the bed and sat on the side of it rubbing her hair and gently repeating her own mantra now.
‘You’ll be okay, You’ll be okay.’
***
‘Do you want to talk about yesterday?’ Making tea felt like the only ritual Rachel could concentrate on at the moment.
‘No.’ Kate couldn’t look at Rachel. ‘No.’ she repeated it absentmindedly.
‘It might help?’ Rachel didn’t want to push too hard.
‘Thanks for staying last night, but I think I’d like to be alone now.’
Choosing her words carefully Rachel turned and faced Kate.
‘I’d like to stay.’
‘I don’t need you to stay.’
‘I need to stay, for me if nothing else.’
‘Fine, suit yourself, I’m going back to bed.’
‘Will I call you for lunch?
‘No.’
Rachel waited until she heard the bedroom door close before picking up her mobile and dialing Sue’s number.
‘Hi, its me.’
‘Hey, how are you? How’s Kate holding up?’
‘Not good I’m afraid, I’m with her now. Well I’m in her house she’s gone back to bed, with no intention of ever getting up again by the looks of things.’
‘Oh god really? Was it that bad?’
‘Ye, she really lost it yesterday Sue, but she wouldn’t let me call a doctor, even though I think she should get something just to get her through these few days at least.’
Sue heard the tension and sadness in Rachels voice.
‘Right, what can I do? You can’t deal with this on your own.’
‘No, no it’s fine Sue. Honestly. I don’t think you coming here will help. She wants less people here not more.’
‘I can take over from you for a while. Did you even get any sleep last night?’
‘No not really. But its ok. I’ll catch some shut-eye now because I don’t think I’m going to see Kate again today.’
‘Well at least let me come keep you company then. I could bring dinner?’
‘You have enough on your plate, Justin and the kids need you to look after them. I’m a big girl I’ll be fine.’
‘Oh listen to you, ‘I’m a big girl, I’ll be fine’, that’s certainly a cry for help if I ever heard it. I’m coming over, I’m bringing dinner and we will come up with something together to help her. Justin has two hands and a mouth he can look after his kids perfectly well.’ Before Rachel could argue Sue said her goodbyes.
‘See you shortly, bye.’
Rachel was left holding the phone in her hand and couldn’t help herself when she laughed.
‘That’s why I love her.’ She thought as she chuckled.
***
By the time Jack, Rose and Jeremy came back from Spain Rachel was feeling like a complete failure. Her chats with Sue and Kelly had brought them no closer to a solution with helping Kate, other than she needed help. The fact that she was unwilling to get any left them feeling useless and inadequate and Rachel felt she had no choice but to voice her concerns.
‘Welcome home, I’m sure you’re glad to be back?’
‘Oh you know, it’s funny but I felt close to them there.’ Rose was busy pottering in the kitchen making sandwiches and tea.
‘Ye, we all did. I’m glad to be back though. It was an intense few days.’ Jeremy sat down at the kitchen table.
Jack joined him.
‘It’s hard to believe we were some of the lucky ones among the lot that were there. Rachel, we met one woman who had lost her daughter, son-in-law and three grandkids. Can you imagine that. All of them wiped out.’
‘Oh my God, that’s awful. Was she Irish aswell?’
‘No, an English lady. Lovely woman actually. We spent a lot of time with her. She seemed very together considering what happened, didn’t she Rose?’
Rose placed the teapot on the table and Rachel followed with mugs and a jug of milk.
‘Oh Rachel, yes she was a very sweet lady. Very dignified I thought.’ Rose nodded her head in approval.
‘Annie was her name and her daughter was Clara. Two granddaughters and one grandson. He was much younger than Alex wasn’t he?’
‘Yes, that’s what she said, he was only 18 months old. One of the girls would have been the same age as Alex and there was a 4 year old aswell. She was there on her own. On her own, can you believe it? She has another daughter but she lives in Australia and her son lives in America. She was widowed only three years ago.’
Rachel took up one of the sandwiches Rose placed on the table.
‘How was the poor woman coping? I can’t believe she was alone.’
‘That was the strange thing. We were wondering that aswell but she said she wanted to go alone. She seems to have a very active life back in England, Somerset she lives in. She claimed going to Spain gave her the opportunity to focus just on those she lost and grieve and then she would go back home and throw herself back into her volunteering. Remarkable woman really.’ Jeremy took a bite of his sandwich.
‘Ah there’s nothing like the bread we get here is there?’
It was said to nobody in particular and nobody answered. They were all contemplating what they had heard.
Jack broke the silence.
‘Right so Rach, it’s time we heard what’s been going on here. The fact that Katie isn’t down here with us would say to me nothing has improved?’ He looked expectantly at Rachel.
‘Ye, I’m sorry Jack. You’re right, nothing has improved, in fact I think it may be worse.’
‘Oh no..’ distraught, Rose lay her face in her hands.
‘I’m afraid so. She had what I can only describe as a complete breakdown on the actual day, Friday. I arrived and the garden was destroyed. She had ripped every plant she could out by its roots. She had broken anything that was breakable and she was a mess.’
Jeremy stood and looked out the kitchen window.
‘Dear God, it’s completely ruined. You’re right, everything is ripped up!’
‘How is she now?’ Jack was nearly too afraid to ask.
‘I think it’s set her back Jack. Any progress she has made seems to be wiped out. She is practically catatonic.’ She needs professional help. I can’t provide her with what she needs.’
‘Ok, ok…’ Jack stopped and thought for a moment. ‘Right, I’m going to call a doctor. We will force her to see somebody. They can come and assess her at the house here.’
‘She can refuse to see them Jack.’ Jeremy knew it wasn’t what Jack wanted to hear.
‘Goddammit it, I know that, but we will just have to try and get her to see that isn’t an option anymore. She’s sick, she needs professional help. You heard what Rachel said. She’s catatonic with grief. She can’t go on like this.’
‘Look I’m on your side here Jack. All I’m saying is don’t get your hopes up.’
‘Thanks for that vote of confidence Jeremy.’
Rose placed a hand tenderly over Jacks. Silence followed until Jack spoke again.
‘Sorry, sorry.’ He held his hand up and repeated himself. ‘Sorry. I know you’re only trying to point out the obvious to me. Christ, I’ve never felt so bloody useless in my whole life.’
‘Ye I know what you mean,’ added Rachel.
‘Welcome home, I’m sure you’re glad to be back?’
‘Oh you know, it’s funny but I felt close to them there.’ Rose was busy pottering in the kitchen making sandwiches and tea.
‘Ye, we all did. I’m glad to be back though. It was an intense few days.’ Jeremy sat down at the kitchen table.
Jack joined him.
‘It’s hard to believe we were some of the lucky ones among the lot that were there. Rachel, we met one woman who had lost her daughter, son-in-law and three grandkids. Can you imagine that. All of them wiped out.’
‘Oh my God, that’s awful. Was she Irish aswell?’
‘No, an English lady. Lovely woman actually. We spent a lot of time with her. She seemed very together considering what happened, didn’t she Rose?’
Rose placed the teapot on the table and Rachel followed with mugs and a jug of milk.
‘Oh Rachel, yes she was a very sweet lady. Very dignified I thought.’ Rose nodded her head in approval.
‘Annie was her name and her daughter was Clara. Two granddaughters and one grandson. He was much younger than Alex wasn’t he?’
‘Yes, that’s what she said, he was only 18 months old. One of the girls would have been the same age as Alex and there was a 4 year old aswell. She was there on her own. On her own, can you believe it? She has another daughter but she lives in Australia and her son lives in America. She was widowed only three years ago.’
Rachel took up one of the sandwiches Rose placed on the table.
‘How was the poor woman coping? I can’t believe she was alone.’
‘That was the strange thing. We were wondering that aswell but she said she wanted to go alone. She seems to have a very active life back in England, Somerset she lives in. She claimed going to Spain gave her the opportunity to focus just on those she lost and grieve and then she would go back home and throw herself back into her volunteering. Remarkable woman really.’ Jeremy took a bite of his sandwich.
‘Ah there’s nothing like the bread we get here is there?’
It was said to nobody in particular and nobody answered. They were all contemplating what they had heard.
Jack broke the silence.
‘Right so Rach, it’s time we heard what’s been going on here. The fact that Katie isn’t down here with us would say to me nothing has improved?’ He looked expectantly at Rachel.
‘Ye, I’m sorry Jack. You’re right, nothing has improved, in fact I think it may be worse.’
‘Oh no..’ distraught, Rose lay her face in her hands.
‘I’m afraid so. She had what I can only describe as a complete breakdown on the actual day, Friday. I arrived and the garden was destroyed. She had ripped every plant she could out by its roots. She had broken anything that was breakable and she was a mess.’
Jeremy stood and looked out the kitchen window.
‘Dear God, it’s completely ruined. You’re right, everything is ripped up!’
‘How is she now?’ Jack was nearly too afraid to ask.
‘I think it’s set her back Jack. Any progress she has made seems to be wiped out. She is practically catatonic.’ She needs professional help. I can’t provide her with what she needs.’
‘Ok, ok…’ Jack stopped and thought for a moment. ‘Right, I’m going to call a doctor. We will force her to see somebody. They can come and assess her at the house here.’
‘She can refuse to see them Jack.’ Jeremy knew it wasn’t what Jack wanted to hear.
‘Goddammit it, I know that, but we will just have to try and get her to see that isn’t an option anymore. She’s sick, she needs professional help. You heard what Rachel said. She’s catatonic with grief. She can’t go on like this.’
‘Look I’m on your side here Jack. All I’m saying is don’t get your hopes up.’
‘Thanks for that vote of confidence Jeremy.’
Rose placed a hand tenderly over Jacks. Silence followed until Jack spoke again.
‘Sorry, sorry.’ He held his hand up and repeated himself. ‘Sorry. I know you’re only trying to point out the obvious to me. Christ, I’ve never felt so bloody useless in my whole life.’
‘Ye I know what you mean,’ added Rachel.
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