Chapter 26
By Sunday afternoon Rachel was ready to confront Kate. She decided it was best to do it face to face so she could see Kates reactions herself. She really was concerned for Kates mental state and the incident with Ryan although extremely hurtful was now put to the back of her mind as she fought to try and comprehend what the hell was going on with Kate and what she could do to help her. She rang the bell and was waiting nearly five minutes before Kate eventually came to the door.
She was disheveled and pale. She was wearing the same clothes she had on her on Friday night and from the looks of it she had also slept in them. Rachel tried to hide her shock but obviously didn’t do a good job.
‘If you’re here to give me a lecture don’t bother.’ Kate stepped back from the door so Rachel could come in.
‘Well I’m not, even though I would have every right to.’
‘Well then why are you here?’ Even though Kate asked she didn’t seem too concerned if she got an answer as she walked ahead of Rachel into the kitchen and put the kettle on. Searching for tablets in the medicine cabinet she found the distinctive red and white packet of headache pills and swallowed them down with no water.
Rachel said nothing as she took in the scene. The house was a mess. Plates covered every surface. Food which was obviously days old sat out on counter tops going green with mould.
‘Make yourself at home.’ Kate said sarcastically.
‘Would you like some coffee?’ Rachel decided to ignore the tone Kate was using and got the instant coffee from the press.
‘Sure, why not.’
She worked silently until she could take it no more.
‘Kate, what’s happening to you?’
‘Me? Nothing. Why?’
‘Why? Can’t you see your life is falling apart around you. How you have managed to keep a straight head in work I’ll never know. But everything else is barely hanging on.’
‘I’m fine. Apart from the little hiccup on Friday night. Sorry about that by the way. You didn’t miss much after all. Wasn’t as great as we expected.’ Kate said it so flippantly that it took all of Rachel’s willpower not to slap her across the face. She looked like a petulant child sitting there starring up at her. ‘Keep calm.’ She told herself. ‘You’re not here to talk about Ryan. He’s history. Look at the bigger picture.’
Ignoring her last statement Rachel continued.
‘You can afford a cleaner Kate. Why haven’t you got somebody in to help you keep this place in order?’
‘I don’t want somebody poking their nose in my business. It’s only a few days worth of crap anyway. I was going to get round to it yesterday but I had a raging hangover. Kinda like today actually. But I’ll get to it. James is coming over later and he doesn’t like a dirty place so I’ll be cleaning it later. Unless you want to do it?’
‘Oh my god the bloody cheek of her.’ Rachel counted to ten. ‘If she says another word I’ll swing for her.’
‘Kate, I’m worried about you.’
‘I’m grand, don’t worry about me. I’m calling in sick this week though. I fancy staying here and getting fucked all day every day by James. I need a decent ride after that lousy one from Ryan on Friday night.’
That was it. Rachels patience finally wore out.
‘You selfish BITCH.’ She screamed at her as she grabbed her bag and raced for the door. She yanked it open and turned to Kate. ‘I came here to help you. I came here today because I was worried about you. Even after you went behind my back and stole my boyfriend from me, knowing how big a deal it was for me. Even after that I was willing to forgive you, overlook it and help you. All I wanted was to hear you say you were sorry. Just once. And instead all you’ve done is throw it in my face. You are a bitch Kate. A selfish, hateful, spiteful bitch. Go fuck yourself.’
‘Oh go grow a pair.’ Kate shouted but as she heard the front door slam.
She was disheveled and pale. She was wearing the same clothes she had on her on Friday night and from the looks of it she had also slept in them. Rachel tried to hide her shock but obviously didn’t do a good job.
‘If you’re here to give me a lecture don’t bother.’ Kate stepped back from the door so Rachel could come in.
‘Well I’m not, even though I would have every right to.’
‘Well then why are you here?’ Even though Kate asked she didn’t seem too concerned if she got an answer as she walked ahead of Rachel into the kitchen and put the kettle on. Searching for tablets in the medicine cabinet she found the distinctive red and white packet of headache pills and swallowed them down with no water.
Rachel said nothing as she took in the scene. The house was a mess. Plates covered every surface. Food which was obviously days old sat out on counter tops going green with mould.
‘Make yourself at home.’ Kate said sarcastically.
‘Would you like some coffee?’ Rachel decided to ignore the tone Kate was using and got the instant coffee from the press.
‘Sure, why not.’
She worked silently until she could take it no more.
‘Kate, what’s happening to you?’
‘Me? Nothing. Why?’
‘Why? Can’t you see your life is falling apart around you. How you have managed to keep a straight head in work I’ll never know. But everything else is barely hanging on.’
‘I’m fine. Apart from the little hiccup on Friday night. Sorry about that by the way. You didn’t miss much after all. Wasn’t as great as we expected.’ Kate said it so flippantly that it took all of Rachel’s willpower not to slap her across the face. She looked like a petulant child sitting there starring up at her. ‘Keep calm.’ She told herself. ‘You’re not here to talk about Ryan. He’s history. Look at the bigger picture.’
Ignoring her last statement Rachel continued.
‘You can afford a cleaner Kate. Why haven’t you got somebody in to help you keep this place in order?’
‘I don’t want somebody poking their nose in my business. It’s only a few days worth of crap anyway. I was going to get round to it yesterday but I had a raging hangover. Kinda like today actually. But I’ll get to it. James is coming over later and he doesn’t like a dirty place so I’ll be cleaning it later. Unless you want to do it?’
‘Oh my god the bloody cheek of her.’ Rachel counted to ten. ‘If she says another word I’ll swing for her.’
‘Kate, I’m worried about you.’
‘I’m grand, don’t worry about me. I’m calling in sick this week though. I fancy staying here and getting fucked all day every day by James. I need a decent ride after that lousy one from Ryan on Friday night.’
That was it. Rachels patience finally wore out.
‘You selfish BITCH.’ She screamed at her as she grabbed her bag and raced for the door. She yanked it open and turned to Kate. ‘I came here to help you. I came here today because I was worried about you. Even after you went behind my back and stole my boyfriend from me, knowing how big a deal it was for me. Even after that I was willing to forgive you, overlook it and help you. All I wanted was to hear you say you were sorry. Just once. And instead all you’ve done is throw it in my face. You are a bitch Kate. A selfish, hateful, spiteful bitch. Go fuck yourself.’
‘Oh go grow a pair.’ Kate shouted but as she heard the front door slam.
***
‘She did what??’
‘I swear Sue I could have swung for her!
‘I’m surprised you didn’t. I don’t think I could have been so restrained. Jesus, I’m in shock here. I had no idea she’d gotten so bad.’
‘I don’t know what to do about her Sue and I’m really worried.’
‘Worried? Your worried about her? I’ll tell you something Rachel if she had done that to me and then spoken to me like that I would be very happily wiping the floor with her face right now and certainly not worried about how she’s feeling.’
‘Yes well, you always were the peace maker in the group!’
‘Ha, ha, Rach, I’m delighted you haven’t lost your sense of humour, really I am but this is serious stuff. I don’t care what she’s going through. You can’t just treat people like that and get away with it.’
‘I know, I know you’re right but she’s my best friend, she has NEVER, ever treated me like that before and let’s be honest, if Dan and Alex were still here none of this would be happening. And that’s certainly not her fault.’
‘Ye, but she can’t keep …..Oh hang on Rach pot boiling over here. I need to put phone down for a second…’
‘…Ok go…’
A minute later Susan picked her phone back up off the counter.
‘Sorry, where were we?...Oh yeh....what I was saying was she can’t keep using her loss, however great it is, as an excuse to behave so appalling.’
‘I disagree Sue. Well,’ Rachel paused, ‘not disagree so much as not agree fully. I think that it can be an excuse for some of her erratic behavior just not it all. And I agree that what she said to me was out of order and for whatever reason she has it was aimed at hurting me. She accomplished that goal for sure.’
‘Ah Rach I really am sorry that this has happened. I wish I could say it will be ok and Katie will be fine but I honestly don’t know.’
‘Ye me neither and Sue?’
‘Ye?’
‘That scares the hell out of me more than any hurtful words can.’
‘I swear Sue I could have swung for her!
‘I’m surprised you didn’t. I don’t think I could have been so restrained. Jesus, I’m in shock here. I had no idea she’d gotten so bad.’
‘I don’t know what to do about her Sue and I’m really worried.’
‘Worried? Your worried about her? I’ll tell you something Rachel if she had done that to me and then spoken to me like that I would be very happily wiping the floor with her face right now and certainly not worried about how she’s feeling.’
‘Yes well, you always were the peace maker in the group!’
‘Ha, ha, Rach, I’m delighted you haven’t lost your sense of humour, really I am but this is serious stuff. I don’t care what she’s going through. You can’t just treat people like that and get away with it.’
‘I know, I know you’re right but she’s my best friend, she has NEVER, ever treated me like that before and let’s be honest, if Dan and Alex were still here none of this would be happening. And that’s certainly not her fault.’
‘Ye, but she can’t keep …..Oh hang on Rach pot boiling over here. I need to put phone down for a second…’
‘…Ok go…’
A minute later Susan picked her phone back up off the counter.
‘Sorry, where were we?...Oh yeh....what I was saying was she can’t keep using her loss, however great it is, as an excuse to behave so appalling.’
‘I disagree Sue. Well,’ Rachel paused, ‘not disagree so much as not agree fully. I think that it can be an excuse for some of her erratic behavior just not it all. And I agree that what she said to me was out of order and for whatever reason she has it was aimed at hurting me. She accomplished that goal for sure.’
‘Ah Rach I really am sorry that this has happened. I wish I could say it will be ok and Katie will be fine but I honestly don’t know.’
‘Ye me neither and Sue?’
‘Ye?’
‘That scares the hell out of me more than any hurtful words can.’
***
Later that evening Rachel was still reeling from the abuse Kate had hurled at her and the fear that Kate was losing the battle with her grief hung over her like a dark cloud. Rachel knew that in these circumstances the only place, other than Kates, that she could go was her Mums.
‘Hello, Maura speaking.’
‘Mum its me.’ Rachel smiled down the phone at the sound of her mothers lilting voice before a flood of emotion overtook her and she burst out crying.
‘Rach? Rach? Are you ok? What is it?’ The panic in her mothers voice caught at Rachels heart and she spoke quickly to try to reassure her.
‘I’m fine mum.’ She said through her tears. ‘Everyones fine.’
‘Then what is it love? Tell me what has you so upset?’
‘Is it okay if I come home for dinner and stay tonight?’
‘Ok now you have me worried. You have never asked permission to come home for a night in your life before. And you know you don’t have to child so what’s this all about?’ Maura was trying to keep the panic out of her voice.
‘I’m sorry I know. I just need your advice and I didn’t want to land on you and Dad if you had company or were busy.’
‘Right child. Get into that car of yours and get yourself home here immediately. I’ll put you in the pot and we can have a good aul chat. You can even pick a bottle of good wine from my secret collection.’
Laughing Rachel once again thought how lucky she was. ‘I’m getting into the car as we speak. And Mum?’
‘Yes love?’
‘I love you, but we need to discuss this secret stash of wine in more detail later!’
She heard her Mum chuckle down the line as she pressed the end button.
‘Hello, Maura speaking.’
‘Mum its me.’ Rachel smiled down the phone at the sound of her mothers lilting voice before a flood of emotion overtook her and she burst out crying.
‘Rach? Rach? Are you ok? What is it?’ The panic in her mothers voice caught at Rachels heart and she spoke quickly to try to reassure her.
‘I’m fine mum.’ She said through her tears. ‘Everyones fine.’
‘Then what is it love? Tell me what has you so upset?’
‘Is it okay if I come home for dinner and stay tonight?’
‘Ok now you have me worried. You have never asked permission to come home for a night in your life before. And you know you don’t have to child so what’s this all about?’ Maura was trying to keep the panic out of her voice.
‘I’m sorry I know. I just need your advice and I didn’t want to land on you and Dad if you had company or were busy.’
‘Right child. Get into that car of yours and get yourself home here immediately. I’ll put you in the pot and we can have a good aul chat. You can even pick a bottle of good wine from my secret collection.’
Laughing Rachel once again thought how lucky she was. ‘I’m getting into the car as we speak. And Mum?’
‘Yes love?’
‘I love you, but we need to discuss this secret stash of wine in more detail later!’
She heard her Mum chuckle down the line as she pressed the end button.
***
Sitting in the kitchen of her family home always made Rachel feel safe and happy. Tonight was no exception and she realized the hug she had received from her Mum when she entered the house is what she had been looking for all day.
‘How lucky am I that I picked Steak Night to have an emotional breakdown?’ Rachel said as she walked to the cooker and dipped a finger into her Mums mushroom sauce to do a taste test.
Slapping her hand playfully away Maura put her arm around Rachel and squeezed her tight. Smiling at her she said. ‘Well child you always were a pleasure to cook for . You never turned your nose up at any of my cooking unlike some I could mention around here.’ Maura looked over her shoulder as her husband walked into the kitchen.
‘Do I hear someone making comments about my food tastes in here without giving me the opportunity to defend myself?
‘Dad!’ Rachel flung her arms around her Dad when he reached her.
‘Nice to see you home love. You staying the night or are you just here to eat my food and drink my wine?’
Making her way back to the island counter and her glass of wine Rachel lifted it and said. ‘I’m planning to do all three and as you can see I’ve made a good start on that wine of yours. Cheers.’
‘That’s my girl. Well it’s lovely you see you whatever the reason. I think I’ll join you in one of them just as soon as I’ve changed out of these.’ He motioned to his work clothes, leaned in and pecked Maura on the cheek and as he did so she dipped a small spoon into her sauce before gently bringing it to his lips for tasting.
‘Mmmm, as good as always darling and he gave her another peck before leaving the kitchen.
‘I love watching you two together.’ Rachel absently spoke as she watched her Mum put a meal together that she had seen and tasted a million times before. Maura smiled at Rachel but let her continue.
‘What would you do if Dad and I had died together?’ Rachels question stopped Maura in her tracks and she turned slowly to face her daughter. She thought before she spoke softly.
‘I would have fallen apart child.’ She said it with so much sadness in her voice that Rachels eyes began to sting from the tears she tried desperately not to shed. Maura continued.
‘When I married your father I knew that what I felt for him was unconditional love. From the moment I met him I knew that I wanted to be Maura O’Brien and nothing was going to come in my way, not even that wan down the road Jacinta Kelly. She would have to take her leopard print titty tops and high heel shoes and go sniff around some other girls man because she wasn’t getting her claws into mine.’ Rachel laughed at the description as she sat listening to her Mum. Maura drained the water from the boiling potatoes and came and sat down beside Rachel at the counter before continuing.
‘But I tell you something, I thought I was happy then. I really did. Then after I had your brothers and you I remember being here in this very kitchen, although this was long before the extention. Do you remember the old kitchen?’
‘I do Mam.’
‘Well I was sitting at the table, you know how it was over there against that wall before we tore it down? Well I was sitting there and it was like a truck hitting me I could feel it so strongly.’ Rachel looked shocked.
‘ What do you mean?’ Noting Rachels worried expression Maura chuckled. ‘Oh, no don’t mean it literally. I mean the feeling that came over me. You and the boys were playing together happily, they were always so gentle with you it amazed me…’
‘Mam get on with the story..’
‘….Oh yes, so I was listening to you lot playing house and I was sitting having, a well deserved I might add, cup of tea when I felt the love for you all, including your Dad. It was so strong it nearly hurt me when it filled my heart, my chest. I realized at that moment that all those other moments, when your Dad and I got married, when I had each of you and saw you for the first time, all those moments and how I felt, paled into comparison. So you see I was happy before I met your Dad, I was always one of those happy go lucky types but I had no idea that a person could be filled with this amount of love because of other people. It wasn’t a special moment that would normally stand out, it was just a realization that that was how I felt. And oh boy did it feel wonderful. Still does. So when you ask me what I would have done if I had lost any of you and your Dad together I can feel the ache in my chest as you ask the question. And if I feel the ache only thinking about it I can only begin to imagine the pain if it were actually to happen.’
Rachel sat silently beside Maura, she didn’t speak, because she couldn’t trust herself not to ball her eyes out if she did.
Filling up their wine glasses Maura continued.
‘You know when I lost my Mam first and then Dad, it was very tough. But I had your Dad and you lot to keep me going, keep me busy. Not too busy to grieve, but very nearly.’
Rachel opened her mouth to speak but Maura put her hand over hers to stop her.
‘I don’t mean I didn’t have the time child because of you, I’ve no regrets. I think it helped. It helped when you lot asked your childish questions which adults were afraid to ask. Like one day, it was Mams first anniversary, I remember being in Bobby Brennans Butcher Shop and there you were all 4ft of ye and you looked up at me with those beautiful inquisitive eyes and said
‘Mam, will Nanna be coming back from Heaven tonight to have her favourite dinner with us?” And I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.’
‘Oh God, what did you do?’ Rachel laughed at the thought of it.
‘What could I do? I just told you Nanna was in heaven and couldn’t come back but we were having her favourite food for her and she would love that.’
‘Did I accept that?’
‘The heck you like! You stamped your foot and said ‘well I want her back to have dinner with us she was fun and I miss her.’
‘Well I tell you child you certainly knew how to pull at my heart strings.’
‘Oh Mam, you never told me this. That must have been awful for you. So I was about five then? Cause I think I was four when she died?’
‘That’s right love you were that alright. But you know I just thought about what you said before I spoke, and you were right to be angry. I was angry too that she wasn’t there, but kids get to be more emotional than us adults do. They get to stamp their feet and say what they feel without being censored. That’s what I love about ye. Although funnily enough you lot still say what you feel and your certainly not kids anymore.’
‘So what did you do?’
‘Oh, I just looked at Bobby Brennan and then shot a look at that nosey Mrs Brown from back the road with her sullen face, she was probably waiting for me to redden your behind, so I just knelt down beside you and whispered to you,
‘I miss her too child. And you’re right she was fun, a lot of fun so let’s have some fun in her memory tonight? And you, bless you, threw your arms around me and hugged me, planted a kiss on my cheek and just said, ‘Cool.’
‘And that was it?’
‘And that was it child. But that made everything okay again for us both and we went and had Mam’s favourite dinner and I bought icecream on the way home because that’s’ what my Mam would have done for you. And life moved on because it had to. And you know I think it was the best thing.’
Letting out a deep breath Rachel leaned back in the stool,
‘So am I looking at this all wrong with Kate?’
‘That depends on how you’re looking at it child?’
‘She’s completely erratic, her behavior is way off the scale and she lashing out at those that love her the most.’
‘Right, well if you say she not behaving like herself you should know. So what is it that she’s doing that’s making it so bad? Are you worried about her harming herself? Is that it?’
‘There’s that, and more. She….Oh lets just say she ….’
‘There’s no judgement here child, you know that. Speak your mind, you obviously need to.’
Hesitating, Rachel took a gulp of wine before telling her Mam what happened with Ryan and how Katie insulted her and hurled abuse at her when she went to speak at her. Maura sat silently listening and then got up to start grilling the steaks all the while listening as Rachel spoke.
‘….so you see, not only am I hurt and confused as to why she would do all that to me I’m also really scared that she is going down a road she won’t ever come back from.’
When she was sure Rachel was finished off loading, Maura came over and grabbed her into a bear hug and squeezed tight. Releasing her grip she looked Rachel in the eye and said,
‘You’re a good friend Rachel, I’m very proud of you. A lot of people would have walked away if a friend treated them that badly and hurt them that much. I’m so glad you can see past that and know there is more to this behavior than meets the eye. That’s a gift child.’
Embarassed Rachel hung her head.
‘Mam, stop it. I’m not doing anything anyone else wouldn’t do.’
‘Yes you are, so listen now to me. You came for my advise so I’m going to give it. It is up to you as always whether you take it or not and I won’t be offended if you don’t. Is that clear?’
Rachel lifted her head and smiled.
‘Yes Mam.’
‘Good, now. I know that Kate MaGuire as long as you do. I might not know all her secrets but I know stuff even the two of you think I don’t!’ She held up her hand to stop Rachel from interrupting the good humoured opening.
‘Now that girl never said a bad word, never did a bad thing, never thought a bad thought against nobody so your analysis is spot on as far as I’m concerned that if it hadn’t been for losing Dan and Alex this part of Kates personality would never have had to show its ugly head. However, the fact remains, it has happened, no amount of wishing it away will make an iota of difference. And she was nasty, mean and hurtful and a whole list of things to you. I’m glad to see you stood up for yourself and told her she was out of order. That, in my opinion is right. Now comes the hard part. Once you think she is ready to hear you out you will need to talk to her, as her friend, with no leftover hurt from what she did, because you can bet your sweet a….’
‘MAM!
‘….A, that she is turning herself upside down and inside out with guilt right now.’
‘I know she is and that’s why I’m worried.’
Maura put her glass down and took both of Rachels hands in her’s, ‘and you are probably right to be. She is very vulnerable right now, she’s not thinking rationally and until she gets some helps or figures a way to turn this around herself I believe there is a risk that she might think taking her own life is an option.’
Hearing her Mam say it out loud shocked Rachel and her head jerked up.
‘So you don’t think I’m over reacting? Rachel whispered and swallowed back the lump in her throat.
‘No child, I don’t think you’re over reacting. I think you are being tremendously supportive and you’re reactions are right on the ball.’
‘Oh Jesus!..’
‘No, no, this is a good thing. Now you can see the possibilities there’s a better chance you can help her. Don’t you see that?’
Rachel moved her hands to cover her face and ran them up and down before resting them back in her Mams hands.
‘Ok so, I need to fight her on this, don’t I?’
‘Fights a strong word, but yes, I guess you do. But first, you are having my steak and mushroom sauce dinner and more wine and in the morning with a clear head you can go save your friend from herself.’ Maura smiled as she patted Rachels hands and went to plate up dinner.
‘Thanks Mam, I don’t know what I’d do without you. I’ll call Dad.’
‘Thanks love and Rach..’
Rachel turned at the kitchen door.
‘Yes Mam?’
‘I love you and I’m very proud of the woman you’ve become.’
Rachel smiled and turned away catching the stray tear before her Mam could see it
‘How lucky am I that I picked Steak Night to have an emotional breakdown?’ Rachel said as she walked to the cooker and dipped a finger into her Mums mushroom sauce to do a taste test.
Slapping her hand playfully away Maura put her arm around Rachel and squeezed her tight. Smiling at her she said. ‘Well child you always were a pleasure to cook for . You never turned your nose up at any of my cooking unlike some I could mention around here.’ Maura looked over her shoulder as her husband walked into the kitchen.
‘Do I hear someone making comments about my food tastes in here without giving me the opportunity to defend myself?
‘Dad!’ Rachel flung her arms around her Dad when he reached her.
‘Nice to see you home love. You staying the night or are you just here to eat my food and drink my wine?’
Making her way back to the island counter and her glass of wine Rachel lifted it and said. ‘I’m planning to do all three and as you can see I’ve made a good start on that wine of yours. Cheers.’
‘That’s my girl. Well it’s lovely you see you whatever the reason. I think I’ll join you in one of them just as soon as I’ve changed out of these.’ He motioned to his work clothes, leaned in and pecked Maura on the cheek and as he did so she dipped a small spoon into her sauce before gently bringing it to his lips for tasting.
‘Mmmm, as good as always darling and he gave her another peck before leaving the kitchen.
‘I love watching you two together.’ Rachel absently spoke as she watched her Mum put a meal together that she had seen and tasted a million times before. Maura smiled at Rachel but let her continue.
‘What would you do if Dad and I had died together?’ Rachels question stopped Maura in her tracks and she turned slowly to face her daughter. She thought before she spoke softly.
‘I would have fallen apart child.’ She said it with so much sadness in her voice that Rachels eyes began to sting from the tears she tried desperately not to shed. Maura continued.
‘When I married your father I knew that what I felt for him was unconditional love. From the moment I met him I knew that I wanted to be Maura O’Brien and nothing was going to come in my way, not even that wan down the road Jacinta Kelly. She would have to take her leopard print titty tops and high heel shoes and go sniff around some other girls man because she wasn’t getting her claws into mine.’ Rachel laughed at the description as she sat listening to her Mum. Maura drained the water from the boiling potatoes and came and sat down beside Rachel at the counter before continuing.
‘But I tell you something, I thought I was happy then. I really did. Then after I had your brothers and you I remember being here in this very kitchen, although this was long before the extention. Do you remember the old kitchen?’
‘I do Mam.’
‘Well I was sitting at the table, you know how it was over there against that wall before we tore it down? Well I was sitting there and it was like a truck hitting me I could feel it so strongly.’ Rachel looked shocked.
‘ What do you mean?’ Noting Rachels worried expression Maura chuckled. ‘Oh, no don’t mean it literally. I mean the feeling that came over me. You and the boys were playing together happily, they were always so gentle with you it amazed me…’
‘Mam get on with the story..’
‘….Oh yes, so I was listening to you lot playing house and I was sitting having, a well deserved I might add, cup of tea when I felt the love for you all, including your Dad. It was so strong it nearly hurt me when it filled my heart, my chest. I realized at that moment that all those other moments, when your Dad and I got married, when I had each of you and saw you for the first time, all those moments and how I felt, paled into comparison. So you see I was happy before I met your Dad, I was always one of those happy go lucky types but I had no idea that a person could be filled with this amount of love because of other people. It wasn’t a special moment that would normally stand out, it was just a realization that that was how I felt. And oh boy did it feel wonderful. Still does. So when you ask me what I would have done if I had lost any of you and your Dad together I can feel the ache in my chest as you ask the question. And if I feel the ache only thinking about it I can only begin to imagine the pain if it were actually to happen.’
Rachel sat silently beside Maura, she didn’t speak, because she couldn’t trust herself not to ball her eyes out if she did.
Filling up their wine glasses Maura continued.
‘You know when I lost my Mam first and then Dad, it was very tough. But I had your Dad and you lot to keep me going, keep me busy. Not too busy to grieve, but very nearly.’
Rachel opened her mouth to speak but Maura put her hand over hers to stop her.
‘I don’t mean I didn’t have the time child because of you, I’ve no regrets. I think it helped. It helped when you lot asked your childish questions which adults were afraid to ask. Like one day, it was Mams first anniversary, I remember being in Bobby Brennans Butcher Shop and there you were all 4ft of ye and you looked up at me with those beautiful inquisitive eyes and said
‘Mam, will Nanna be coming back from Heaven tonight to have her favourite dinner with us?” And I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.’
‘Oh God, what did you do?’ Rachel laughed at the thought of it.
‘What could I do? I just told you Nanna was in heaven and couldn’t come back but we were having her favourite food for her and she would love that.’
‘Did I accept that?’
‘The heck you like! You stamped your foot and said ‘well I want her back to have dinner with us she was fun and I miss her.’
‘Well I tell you child you certainly knew how to pull at my heart strings.’
‘Oh Mam, you never told me this. That must have been awful for you. So I was about five then? Cause I think I was four when she died?’
‘That’s right love you were that alright. But you know I just thought about what you said before I spoke, and you were right to be angry. I was angry too that she wasn’t there, but kids get to be more emotional than us adults do. They get to stamp their feet and say what they feel without being censored. That’s what I love about ye. Although funnily enough you lot still say what you feel and your certainly not kids anymore.’
‘So what did you do?’
‘Oh, I just looked at Bobby Brennan and then shot a look at that nosey Mrs Brown from back the road with her sullen face, she was probably waiting for me to redden your behind, so I just knelt down beside you and whispered to you,
‘I miss her too child. And you’re right she was fun, a lot of fun so let’s have some fun in her memory tonight? And you, bless you, threw your arms around me and hugged me, planted a kiss on my cheek and just said, ‘Cool.’
‘And that was it?’
‘And that was it child. But that made everything okay again for us both and we went and had Mam’s favourite dinner and I bought icecream on the way home because that’s’ what my Mam would have done for you. And life moved on because it had to. And you know I think it was the best thing.’
Letting out a deep breath Rachel leaned back in the stool,
‘So am I looking at this all wrong with Kate?’
‘That depends on how you’re looking at it child?’
‘She’s completely erratic, her behavior is way off the scale and she lashing out at those that love her the most.’
‘Right, well if you say she not behaving like herself you should know. So what is it that she’s doing that’s making it so bad? Are you worried about her harming herself? Is that it?’
‘There’s that, and more. She….Oh lets just say she ….’
‘There’s no judgement here child, you know that. Speak your mind, you obviously need to.’
Hesitating, Rachel took a gulp of wine before telling her Mam what happened with Ryan and how Katie insulted her and hurled abuse at her when she went to speak at her. Maura sat silently listening and then got up to start grilling the steaks all the while listening as Rachel spoke.
‘….so you see, not only am I hurt and confused as to why she would do all that to me I’m also really scared that she is going down a road she won’t ever come back from.’
When she was sure Rachel was finished off loading, Maura came over and grabbed her into a bear hug and squeezed tight. Releasing her grip she looked Rachel in the eye and said,
‘You’re a good friend Rachel, I’m very proud of you. A lot of people would have walked away if a friend treated them that badly and hurt them that much. I’m so glad you can see past that and know there is more to this behavior than meets the eye. That’s a gift child.’
Embarassed Rachel hung her head.
‘Mam, stop it. I’m not doing anything anyone else wouldn’t do.’
‘Yes you are, so listen now to me. You came for my advise so I’m going to give it. It is up to you as always whether you take it or not and I won’t be offended if you don’t. Is that clear?’
Rachel lifted her head and smiled.
‘Yes Mam.’
‘Good, now. I know that Kate MaGuire as long as you do. I might not know all her secrets but I know stuff even the two of you think I don’t!’ She held up her hand to stop Rachel from interrupting the good humoured opening.
‘Now that girl never said a bad word, never did a bad thing, never thought a bad thought against nobody so your analysis is spot on as far as I’m concerned that if it hadn’t been for losing Dan and Alex this part of Kates personality would never have had to show its ugly head. However, the fact remains, it has happened, no amount of wishing it away will make an iota of difference. And she was nasty, mean and hurtful and a whole list of things to you. I’m glad to see you stood up for yourself and told her she was out of order. That, in my opinion is right. Now comes the hard part. Once you think she is ready to hear you out you will need to talk to her, as her friend, with no leftover hurt from what she did, because you can bet your sweet a….’
‘MAM!
‘….A, that she is turning herself upside down and inside out with guilt right now.’
‘I know she is and that’s why I’m worried.’
Maura put her glass down and took both of Rachels hands in her’s, ‘and you are probably right to be. She is very vulnerable right now, she’s not thinking rationally and until she gets some helps or figures a way to turn this around herself I believe there is a risk that she might think taking her own life is an option.’
Hearing her Mam say it out loud shocked Rachel and her head jerked up.
‘So you don’t think I’m over reacting? Rachel whispered and swallowed back the lump in her throat.
‘No child, I don’t think you’re over reacting. I think you are being tremendously supportive and you’re reactions are right on the ball.’
‘Oh Jesus!..’
‘No, no, this is a good thing. Now you can see the possibilities there’s a better chance you can help her. Don’t you see that?’
Rachel moved her hands to cover her face and ran them up and down before resting them back in her Mams hands.
‘Ok so, I need to fight her on this, don’t I?’
‘Fights a strong word, but yes, I guess you do. But first, you are having my steak and mushroom sauce dinner and more wine and in the morning with a clear head you can go save your friend from herself.’ Maura smiled as she patted Rachels hands and went to plate up dinner.
‘Thanks Mam, I don’t know what I’d do without you. I’ll call Dad.’
‘Thanks love and Rach..’
Rachel turned at the kitchen door.
‘Yes Mam?’
‘I love you and I’m very proud of the woman you’ve become.’
Rachel smiled and turned away catching the stray tear before her Mam could see it
***
The following day Rachel received a call from Jack. ‘She refuses to come out of her room.’
‘Sorry, what? Jack is that you?’
‘Yes, sorry Rachel it’s me. I didn’t know who else to call. Kate won’t so much as answer the door to her house anymore. I know she hasn’t been in work all week. Eugene called wondering where she was. He said he can’t reach her on her mobile. He also said you mentioned you and her weren’t really talking at the moment. So I’m sorry if I’m getting in the way but I didn’t know who else to call. She just keeps crying and saying she won’t speak to anyone but you. Rose is refusing to leave Kate’s house, Kate is refusing to leave her room and I don’t know what to do it’s all such a big mess.’
Rachel took a deep breath and let Jacks words sink in. She felt his pain coming down the line and knew this was the opportunity she needed just like she had discussed with her Mam.
‘Jack, she needs professional help. I’m not sure what I can say or do that’s’ going to make a difference.’
When Jack didn’t respond Rachel thought he had hung up.
‘Jack? Jack? Are you there?’
‘Yes I am.’ He sounded utterly devastated.
‘I’m sorry to hear that Rachel. I don’t know what to do anymore.’
Jack didn’t sound like the strong, loveable father figure that Rachel had grown to love through her years of friendship with Kate. He sounded like a man pleading for his daughters life and something in his voice spoke to Rachel.
‘Ok, I’m on my way over. But please don’t get your hopes up. She didn’t want to hear what I had to say the other day I’m not sure what will have changed. But I’ll give it a go.’
She could have sworn she heard a sniffle before he spoke again.
‘Thank you.'
‘Sorry, what? Jack is that you?’
‘Yes, sorry Rachel it’s me. I didn’t know who else to call. Kate won’t so much as answer the door to her house anymore. I know she hasn’t been in work all week. Eugene called wondering where she was. He said he can’t reach her on her mobile. He also said you mentioned you and her weren’t really talking at the moment. So I’m sorry if I’m getting in the way but I didn’t know who else to call. She just keeps crying and saying she won’t speak to anyone but you. Rose is refusing to leave Kate’s house, Kate is refusing to leave her room and I don’t know what to do it’s all such a big mess.’
Rachel took a deep breath and let Jacks words sink in. She felt his pain coming down the line and knew this was the opportunity she needed just like she had discussed with her Mam.
‘Jack, she needs professional help. I’m not sure what I can say or do that’s’ going to make a difference.’
When Jack didn’t respond Rachel thought he had hung up.
‘Jack? Jack? Are you there?’
‘Yes I am.’ He sounded utterly devastated.
‘I’m sorry to hear that Rachel. I don’t know what to do anymore.’
Jack didn’t sound like the strong, loveable father figure that Rachel had grown to love through her years of friendship with Kate. He sounded like a man pleading for his daughters life and something in his voice spoke to Rachel.
‘Ok, I’m on my way over. But please don’t get your hopes up. She didn’t want to hear what I had to say the other day I’m not sure what will have changed. But I’ll give it a go.’
She could have sworn she heard a sniffle before he spoke again.
‘Thank you.'
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